If I feel this way when she left, how bad will it be for me when I decide to leave? Gosh I'll be such a depressed kid in a new city. Haha.

I guess Bev's leaving coupled with how everyone else has been feeling has made me feel like kinda a rotten friend. Despite what people say, I still think I'm a pretty horrid friend. Especially of late, since I've been dealing with whatever issues I have and just neglecting everyone else. Its just not fair to them.

I've always been eager to see how things end, even before they begin. I guess sometimes its a good thing to want to know, but sometimes it just makes things that much more difficult. I don't take the time to stop and feel as much as I should, though I think that I already feel more than enough with the little bit I allow myself.

My mind is a fair mess right now. I've so many things I want to say to so many people but I can't and won't because of how much it might hurt them. And they all just sit and fester within while I try and be as normal as possible.

In my 18 years of life, I never really got upset with the way friends treated me, because it was kinda expected because most of them don't hold any position in my life. But recently, friends have been upsetting me so much that I'm glad at least Bestie never does something like that to me.

So I've been living my 18th year on Earth for slightly more than 3 months, almost 4 months.

Sometimes it feels like we take advantage of the people who are really close to us the most. It gets a little bit sad because they're the ones who are always there for us no matter what. Bestie and I were thinking about any time whereby we fought and we could only come up with the time whereby me and her argued about me taking her phone and running around the whole compound with it because I threatened to read the messages inside, and that was like.....5 years ago? Haha, you see, back then, boys were a big thing in our lives. So I think some guys were text-ing her and she didn't want me to see I guess? Haha. But yea, me and Claudia have made an amazing team for almost my whole life. Though I just recalled an incident that made her quite cross with me, I think I injured a girl both of us knew and she thought that I was really mean for doing something like that back when we were kids.

Both of us may not really see each other as often as we'd like, but that was cause she was busy with school and life and I was busy with school and all the music stuff and 'friends' with problems. But whenever life got to overwhelming for either one of us, a phone call was all it took for us to drop things and just meet each other. I know we've both done it for each other before, and for that I am eternally thankful to God for placing such an amazing person in my life.

I started being upset about the whole friendship thing when I realized how little time I had left with Beverly and I started feeling neglected by her which made things that much worse. But Beverly, despite only knowing me for a few years has been one of the friends that I meet close to every week because she's part of the infrastructure that keeps me sane. I think she's only seen me realllllllllllllly cry like once, but I think that was enough for her because I just didn't stop. She may not always know the right things to say, but she always knows the right thing to do. I think that I've been so mad and upset of late that I failed to cherish the moments I had with her and the little time I'll have left with her before she goes off in 2 weeks. The next time I'll see her is when I go to Melbourne in August to see her.

I completely lost sight of what I really believe in. I shouldn't begrudge my friends what makes them happy. But I resented her for spending more time with him and her other friends than me, but its only now that I see I'm not going to be the only person she's going to miss and that if I'd made how I felt known to her, she'd resent me for not letting her spend time with everyone else. I pride myself in being a good friend and knowing when to keep my mouth shut about these things, so even though I didn't like it, I'm glad I didn't say anything to her about it. I'm going to miss Bev, miss seeing her every week, sitting at the Usual just watching the world go by and telling her the things that happened. I'll miss our Friday nights together. I never really had a good friend go away. Especially not someone who became such an integral part of my every day life. But she's moving on to greener pastures and I can only be happy and proud of what she's accomplished.

My two closest friends in the world, Claudia and Beverly, one going away to Melbourne to learn and broaden her horizon, and another, always here with me waiting and happily living. :)

I hope both of them know that there's never a time I won't want to listen and that their problems are not burdens, just more pieces of the puzzle of this big world and that piece just happens to fall near me :) I'll never not help because both of you have done so much for me and helped me in so many ways that you don't even realise how important both of you are in my life :) I may get angry or sad, but at the end of the day both of you always put a smile on my face. And everyday of my life, I thank God that I have both of you :)

Right now I don't know if I should be upset with myself or with other people. It always seems like our schedules don't fit. Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting further and further away from everyone and that I'll just end up alone...I seriously think there's something wrong with me today. Everything seems like its too much.

Before I am gone.

This is a bloody awesome song. Its just what most of us want to do when things get tough or when we feel stifled by our situation. It's kinda been the way I've been feeling. I think that right now I need an escape greater than the escape music provides me with. I think I need to physically escape from my situation.

I know it may seem like I'm running, but I'm not, its just that there are times you just need to take yourself out of a situation before it harms you. My parents will most probably think that my ramblings are utter bullshit, but its not. I genuinely feel this way. Its not just another ploy for me to go on a holiday.

I just think this crusade of mine is utterly useless if they refuse to budge...but its okay, I'll be fine, soon I will be... Yes, I am an optimist who is a closet pessimist. Ask my friends, thats what they'll tell you. I hope for the best but expect the worst. And seriously, you can't blame me for that, parts of my life has been like...a series of the worst things possible happening to me.

I may have ended 2009 in slumber, but with the New Year I think that I've finally moved on from the past and I'm happily looking forward, knowing that the road to happiness is the road I'm already on and that though it may be filled with trials and tribulations and doubt and worries, all I need to do is be constantly content with what I have and be thankful and grateful that I still have something to live for and for the things and people I already have in my life.

I think that my greatest downfall of last year was letting the superficial thoughts of others hinder me when in fact I shouldn't have cared about what they thought.

So this year I'll do my best to live my life to the best of my abilities and keeping a balance between God, family, friends and myself. I'll do things because I want to do them and not because I feel like I have to. :)

Friends, don't worry, I think this is not about just one person. I think this is about two guy friends that I have in my life who have on several occasions crushed me till I didn't wanna wake up in the morning.

Maybe I should alter the word friends, because honestly, looking at how today played out, I'm fairly certain the people who claim to be my friends, really aren't.

Have a good night world. Maybe you'll see me tomorrow.

Time goes by fast

Got my memories

And they will last

I try to keep it simple

Cause I hate goodbyes

And I try to keep it simple

By telling myself that

I, I will remember you

And all of the things

That we've gone through

There is so much I can say

But words get in the way

So we're not together

I will remember you

I will remember you

We're a picture

In my mind

When I want to find you

I just close my eyes

You'll never be that far from me

So don't say goodbye 'cause

You'll never be that far from me

I'm telling myself

I, I will remember you

And all of the things that we've gone through

There is so much I can say

But words get in the way

So we're not together

I will remember you

You were there when I needed a friend

Thank you, thank you

I never told you how much that meant

Gotta thank you, thank you

I, I will remember you

And all of the things that we've gone through

There is so much I can say

But words get in the way

So

I, I will remember you

And all of the things that we've gone through

There is so much I can say

The words get in the way

We're not together

I will remember you

We're not together

I will remember you

I will remember you

I just unearthed some presents from my birthday last year. The birthday was awesome, but things from then till now have changed a great deal. I think in essence I have less friends now than at the beginning of the year. I'm actually questioning if I even do have friends right now.

I mean, no one is to be blamed, friendship's a two way street, I haven't made enough time for anyone this year besides music and I think everyone else has been kinda overwhelmed with school and stuff we just started losing sight of what was important. I'm not trying to sound righteous, I think I'm the lease righteous person that I know. Despite people always looking to me for answers, my actual state of mind and being is the exact opposite. I don't have answers for myself, maybe thats why things are so difficult sometimes.

I wish I could say that I was happy this year, but that would be a lie. I felt more than what I let on. What people saw, despite it being bad was only a fraction of what I felt. There was so much more I just couldn't put in words. When someone whom I thought was turning out to be a good friend suddenly told me not to talk to him anymore, I felt like I'd been let down again, and not only that, but abandoned. He was the only friend I had then who could meet me anytime I needed him and I thought I was there for him too, but apparently he thought I was trying to make him sever ties with someone else, and I was angry at first. But now, I'm just sad that our friendship turned out that way.

I barely saw my best friend,Claudia, this year, but I can't blame her for that because she had a major exam this year. And as a best friend I just had to accept that, and support and encourage her and just be there for her. My other good friends were busy with school. Jolin had just started her first year in poly when I had somewhat of a breakdown, but then it got better, and she got really busy in her later part of school. As for Gabe, I saw him quite often, just that I still couldn't tell him everything.

I don't know.