We talked, we laughed just like old times
But then I saw you
And I had to run away to hide
I thought that I was okay
I thought that I was strong enough
Bleah, Freda's such a coward. Someone should just slap me. Really.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, July 06, 2009
But it seems like no matter how much I want to, you've shut that door.
Nothing but the passing hellos and goodbyes.
I look at you and think that life hasn't been fair.
Someone like you shouldn't have been dealt that horrible hand.
I needed you to need me as a friend,
Because for a long while, that was what defined me as me.
I was the girl who was friends with the people who never opened up to anyone.
I made people like that open up to me.
But now it seems that I can't be that person anymore.
Its like life's telling me that its not who I'm supposed to be.
Who then am I supposed to be?
You've always understood me more than I've understood myself
Can you help me?
I feel like all the time, I'm making things worse.
If I can't help, then why am I here?
I feel this pull that I can't get away from.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
How do you do that?
Its not that I don't want to be here
Its that I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.
I used to have a purpose
I used to be driven
But now I just stare at an empty void of what used to be when I look at myself in the mirror
The kinda friends we were, you can't find that anywhere
No one reads my mind the way you do
I used to be able to see right through you
But now I don't even see you
And once again, that mask goes on.
For both me and you.
To the people who read my blog and actually know me, this is not about some random new guy or anything like that. My posts for the past year has been about the same person. All the time. Its not easy. But heck, lifes a bitch. I'm not in love, not romantically at least, just the love you share with friends. Apparently I've a huge issue with things like that. Haha.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, June 30, 2009
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, June 30, 2009
This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
No hope, no love, no glory
No happy ending
This is the way that we loved
Like its forever
We'll live the rest of our lives
Just not together
I really wonder how true that is. Being able to love someone and loving someone and yet not being able to be with that someone. I don't know. Just seems like the way the world has always been for me. I don't regret my actions in the past. Maybe I resent my thoughts now, but eventually it'll change I guess. I hope that I'll return to the girl who could put aside her needs and wants and concentrate on others so she can help them again. Maybe thats the only thing I actually regret in my whole entire life. Turning my friends away. The realization has just hit, I'm not the good friend, I'm the toxic one. Maybe I see myself too clearly. Or rather I think I see myself too clearly.
I thank the people who always keep me grounded. My family, Claudia, Jolin, Gabe, Emman. Things wouldn't be the same if I didn't have these people in my life.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, June 29, 2009
Everything I read or listen to echoes the way I feel.
"Its mind over matter," some people would say.
But I think not.
How can something not for me feel like it is?
My conscious mind knows that the things I see, hear or read aren't meant for me
My subconscious mind takes everything into account and eventually I feel that stabbing pain.
Is this the life I was meant to lead?
Everyone seems to be moving on so easily
Living their lives
And I feel like I'm not letting myself move on
That I'm the one who's making myself stuck here
I wonder if its because I haven't learned what I was supposed to
I wonder if this is how my life is supposed to be
The plastic facade
I remember how I used to smile everyday because it was how I genuinely felt
But now I wake up in the morning dreading how the way will turn out
Wondering if I'll be able to keep my emotions in check
Wondering who will be my unfortunate victim for that day
Is it so wrong to want the things that I want?
I feel like I awake every morning with a heavy heart
I feel like I'm turning into that empty void again.
The one who existed rather than lived.
Why am I doing this to everyone again?
How do I tell people that I can't move on?
How do I explain the tears?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, June 22, 2009 Sometimes I sit and think about the hand that life has dealt us.
There are days whereby I'm so thankful to have the things and people in my life.
And then there are days whereby I look back and only see the destruction that I left behind.
If there was one thing in the world that I could take back, would be me telling you that I liked you.
Because you'll always and forever be in my heart as a friend.
You're most probably the only friend I've ever lost.
And to you, it may seem like its not lost, but I don't know if we're even still friends.
I miss being there for you.
And I miss you being there for me.
Sometimes it seems like no one else understands nowadays especially.
I miss the times when you would genuinely look at me and say you understood.
Then you'd hug me and call me silly.
I miss your hugs.
They always made me feel like things were more bearable.
I keep trying to find someone who could replace you
But there's no one out there that knows me like you do.
I keep telling myself that its best to move on,
But I keep sitting here wondering what will happen to our friendship.
I put on that smile that you say looks fake everyday.
Honestly, I can't wait for the day when I see you smile my fave smile, the one that lights up your eyes.
As a friend, thats all I can hope for.
To see you truly happy and know that no matter what I'll always be a friend here for you.
Many sleepless nights have followed since that crazy day.
Nights whereby I'd think of everything that I've got in my life
Every person who's made and impact in my life
And then my thoughts settle on you
And I just fall apart
Because never once have I lost someone so dear to me
And I know that it was all my fault.
I confessed, I picked the fights, I ignored you first.
It seems that its all my fault.
And sometimes I don't know how to face the world.
And then I remember you saying something about plastering on that smile and just facing the world.
I wasn't lying when I told you that you're a friend I wouldn't forget even if I wanted to.
You're the only one I've said it to ever.
Thats not a lie.
I've never said that to anyone else ever.
And I really do miss you my dear friend.
You gave me the comfort no one else could give.
You made my burdens lighter.
You're a better friend that you give yourself credit for babe.
I promise you that.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, June 14, 2009
I don't think that I've lost a friend, just that we've placed walls to block each other out. I'm willing to tear down the walls if you are my dear friend. I'm just waiting for your word. I miss you. I miss being able to tell you everything. I so want to tell you about this random guy that I like knowing that you'll either call me a bitch or crazy or something to that extent, you might call me something else as well, but I don't think I'll state it here in the blog. But yea, I miss the old times when I could tell you anything. Still thinking of you, even though I know the best thing to do would most probably be to continue living my life as if nothing happened because honestly, I don't think you really bother too much about not talking to me. You've always been a fairly heartless bastard, but then again I've always been the girl who made crazy people her friends.
I miss you, my dear "old" friend :), Emmanuel Noel...RAWR. Haha
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Life keeps throwing me curve ball after curve ball and I keep trying to avoid it, but maybe the best solution is to face it head on. I keep trying to run away from things like, friends, and school and IG, but maybe the best thing to help all this is to just tell it as it is. No censorship especially to those who are directly involved. I keep sugar coating everything.
Claudia said that I've crappy taste in guys, that though I fall for musicians, I always fall for those who have problems or are problematic. Gabriel agrees, saying that I'm a sucker for such guys. And come to think of it, I agree. I've never like not fallen for someone who plays a musical instrument and has problems with family, friends or ex-es. I think I'm a magnet for such guys. But hopefully things get better for me.
I mean, although I feel that my life is not ready for me to date someone, I want to eventually have someone to love and have someone love me the same way I love them. And although I know that love isn't a 50-50 thing, I just hope that it will be somewhere close to that because honestly speaking, I don't think my heart can take much more pain. I know that I'm stronger that I think I am, and that I've withstood so many trials and tribulations, but there is always a limit to anything. I know that my life is not incomplete just because I don't have a significant other, but having a significant other would add another dimension to my already full life, which honestly, I don't mind at all. It just makes my life that much more balanced. And I think now that I'm more open with my family, I'm reaching the point in my life where maybe I will find the right person who is willing to work though the many difficulties that being with me will entail.
I know that there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect, but I know that at the end of the day when push comes to shove, it will always be God first, family next, then friends, then my significant other and finally everything else. Ministry work and prayer life will always be number one in my books, though sometimes I may lose sight of that. My family will always come after God but before everything else, because they're my family, they are the ones who will always be there to catch me when I fall and dust me off and set me on the right track again. And the handful of true friends that I have, I'm ever thankful, they're people whom I wouldn't compromise to make someone else happy. My significant other will come before my other work because I can always find something else to do because I know I'm good in what I do. I can always bend my time around other people, I always do that anyway, so adding another person will just mean more time management. I pray that when God sends me someone, He sends someone who is willing to work and compromise with me and my schedule and that I will gain the patience and understanding to do the same for him, whoever he may be :)
I guess, what made me think of all this is coming to the realisation that all my friends close ones and not so close ones all have found a fairly significant other. And even though I'm happy for them, I can't help but feel envious of them because they've got someone other than their family and friends who cares about them as much if not more than they care for the other. Hmmmm...but I believe when the time is right, I'll find the right one, or rather God will send me the right one :) I think God understands that my heart can't take much more pain. Especially with everything that's' happened this year. Me thinks that me heart still needs time to completely mend.
God bless to whoever is reading this :)
xoxo
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, June 08, 2009
The hopelessness that sinks deep within
Pain sears right through my very soul
The deep slumber awaits.
Running away
I never thought I'd do it
I never thought that I'd be strong enough
In fact, I know that I'm not strong enough
I can't just leave
I've never been able to do so
I'll try my best to stay away
Hopefully life will deal you a better hand
One which doesn't include me
I promise that things will get better for you
You don't have to worry about me
I'll make sure of it
You don't even have to think about me
I'll let you live your life the way you were meant to.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, May 31, 2009
I don't know how to be around you and still be the happy person I am.
You remind me too much of him for my heart not to ache.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, May 28, 2009
And I know all the facts
But I'm still in love with who I wish you were.
I don't know what else to say to you. I want to be your friend, but I don't want to be where I'm not needed. I'm the crazy type of person which requires people to talk to me a lot. I hate silences especially with people I've just met.
You keep telling me that its nothing to worry about. I just can't believe you.
You remind me so much of someone else its painful being around you. And yet here I am trying to be a friend when apparently you've enough people around you to force things out of you, enough friends that surround you. I'm just so over being used the way so many people have.
If you're just going to use me, then just don't talk to me please. I don't think I want to get hurt, not anymore. I just want to stop all this drama and go back to living my life the way I wanted to. Not the way I have to.
I'm never going to ask you something that you don't want to answer, I'm never going to force things out of you because you deserve your privacy and I believe that if you really wanted to tell me anything, you would.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to be your friend. You're just too caught up in your lives with your other friends. You don't need anymore. You can't deal with it.
Whatever!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Drama, Love and 'Lationships by Babyface
Its not about who's weaker or who's strong
Its not about who's innocent or who's fault
It ain't really bout that kinda thing at all
Its not about who does it or done it or did it to who
Don't matter if the both of you lose
Its really not bout nothing, except for me and you girl
Its about drama and love and Lationships
And when the going gets tough you deal with it
An you don't ever, you never walk away from it
You hold on, you be strong
Its about drama and trust and making it
If your somebody mess up you take it in
Don't let nobody come between you, you just stay with them
You hold on, and be strong
And hold on, yes you do
Its not about the stupid things that we say
We're always saying stupid things anyways
Its not about the secrecy of the lies
Girl everybody's gots a secret to hide
Its not about who was he, who was she who's creeping on whom
Won't batter if the both of us lose
Its really not bout nothing, cept for me and you
Its about drama and love and 'lationships
And when the going gets tough you deal with it
And you don't ever, you never walk away from it
You hold on, you be strong
Its about drama and trust and making it
If your somebody messes up you take it in
Don't let nobody come between you, you just stay with them
You hold on, and be strong
Hold on
Ain't bout your pride
Ain't bout yourself
Its bout the two of you, and no one else
Ain't bout the hurt
Ain't bout the lies
Ain't bout the crazy things thats running through your mind
Its bout the love thats supposed to last and never die
Its about drama and love and 'lationships
And when the going gets tough you deal with it
And you don't ever, you never walk away from it
You hold on, you be strong
Its about drama and trust and making it
If your somebody messes up you take it in
Don't let nobody come between you, you just stay with them
You hold on, and be strong
Hold on
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, May 24, 2009
I found God on the corner of 1st and Amistad
Where the West was all but won
All alone, smoking his last cigarete
I said, "Where you been?" He said, "Ask Anything."
Where were you when everything was falling apart?
All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang
And all I needed was a call that never came
To the corner of 1st and Amistad
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me
But in the end everyone ends up alone
Losing her, the only one who's ever known
Who I am, who I'm not and who I wanna be
No way to know how long she will be next to me
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you?Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
The early morning, the city breaks
And I've been calling for years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
You never sent me no letters
You got some kinda nerve taking all I want!
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor, where were you? Where were you?
Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me
Lying on the floor surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?
Just a little late, you found me, you found me!
Why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, May 22, 2009
I know what I'm doing
Don't worry about the path I'm on
Keep your eyes on the path you're on
I know where I'm headed
I know how things will turn out
Fear not for no harm will befall you
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, May 22, 2009
Its time to just let go of everything
Let the pieces fall where they may
I've no control over anything
Do whatever the fuck you please
I can't be bothered anymore.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, May 21, 2009
Its not right
Nothing good will come if it.
And yet, still I'm doing the same thing
I just feel that if I stop now, you'd get hurt
I need to stop before I fall for you.
I don't want that to happen because the only thing that I ever seem to do is hurt people.
Please find the courage one day to tell me to stay away even if it may hurt me in the process because its good for you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, May 18, 2009
I'd love to question you, but its just not right.
I guess I'll learn to respect that.
Its really about time for me to close this chapter on me and you.
The friendship that we shared was amazing, I'm sorry you can't see that.
I'm sorry you don't see that I need you as a friend.
And I'm sorry that I pushed you away so long ago.
And I'm sorry that you can't seem to forgive me.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, May 16, 2009
I've given my heart away so easily in the past that I don't want to do that anymore. I remember the times when I would never allow myself to fall so quickly and so fast because it just wasn't right. And now I just plunge head first into the dark abyss.
Right now I'm at a crossroads when it comes to a particular someone. Stay on the path that leads to only friendship or take the risk on the other unknown path. My instincts tell me to stay on the path of friendship alone because everytime I move towards the other, something horrible happens. I don't want to hurt anyone else. I don't want to lose anymore friends.
I should only be here to help and not to do anything else. I am only needed as a friend and nothing else. Someone please keep reminding me that before I go off and make an awful mistake.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Now I don't know where I stand.
A good cry used to be the answer,
But now it solves nothing.
Where are you now,
When I need you the most?
Breathing no longer comes easy,
The way it used to when you where here.
I used to smile when the Sun came up,
and cry when the rain fell.
Now it makes no difference,
The tears don't stop falling.
I thought I was doing the right thing,
By keeping my distance.
It seems to me now,
That I was just plunging the kinfe deeper into my heart.
It seemed so right at that time,
But plans change.
Plans change but feelings don't,
At least I think they don't.
Help me change my feelings,
Help me be the happy person you wanted me to be.
Teach me to be happy,
Without you standing there by my side.
I don't want to put everyone through the same thing again,
I don't want them to see me so dead and torn apart.
Help me not hurt those that I love,
PLEASE.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, May 10, 2009
You just keep brushing me aside.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know why I bother.
All I know is that despite what the hell you think,
I still do give a damn about you.
I thought that things would be easier by now.
It still hurts the same.
You still make me feel like I'm worth nothing.
You still make me feel like I'm a horrible friend.
You still make me feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Where did I go so wrong?
What did I do that was so horrible?
Never in my life have I felt like nothing I did was right.
Never have I felt like I was a horrible friend.
It still hurts so much.
Nights like this especially.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Random Musings on A Sunday Night
You've never felt the excruciating pain I feel deep within when I think of all that's passed.
You don't know that sometimes when it gets so painful, I wished that I was drawing in my last breath.
You don't know how much it hurts, to see you and not be able to touch you.
I notice so much more than anyone else in your life will ever notice about you.
And I'll be the only one who can tell apart your smiles and know whats on your mind because once upon a time, you let down your walls to let me in.
Once upon a time, I saw your true smile and not the one you plaster on your face around everyone.
I once told you, that you're a friend that I'd never be able to forget even if I wanted to, and that still holds true.
I've tried to forget you and everything that's happen between us, but to no avail.
I still see you everytime I close my eyes,
I still feel you near when I sit on that sofa,
Or when I walk around my own home.
Everywhere I go, is tainted with memories of you and me.
I'll never be able to forget you, even if I wanted to.
It takes a lot for me to fall for someone, I just never expected to fall in love with you this deeply.
Unrequited Love sucks. You should know.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I thought I left you behind
I see you now and remember everything
Words said, and the silenced that followed
Actions speak louder than words
But yet what my heart perceived was so wrong
I spent the months trying to move on
But memories haunt me wherever I go
The home I live in
Tainted by the memories of that fateful night
I feel like I did when I first found out
When that realisation hit me the very first time
Though it seems like nothing went wrong to you
Things aren't the same
It saddens me to think so, but it seems like it
I miss you my dear friend
Maybe its time I returned
I'll try my best.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, March 22, 2009
Today I thank God for always telling me the right things to say to people who are in need of help, or a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear. I am able to console and comfort people because of him.
Today I thank God for placing the people I have around me, in my life. Though the road is not always smooth with all of them, it is nonetheless the journey that has made me this person I am today.
Today I thank God for planning my life in such a way so that I may learn from the mistakes I've made, and take pride in the things that I do well.
Today I thank God for giving me the gift of life, that I may be able to experience all things that life has to offter.
Today I thank God for giving me music, that I have the voice and the talent to praise him and to serve his people.
Today I thank God for giving up his only Son. So that we may be saved and be cleansed from our sins.
Today I thank God for always understanding even when at times I don't.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, March 09, 2009
I recently returned to Church about a week ago or something like that. I feel less skeptical and hopeless. I've made my peace with loads of people.
Right now the only thing that is bothering me is my "presidential" duties. Loads of stress and I'm having a tough time coping with everything going on. I keep procrasitnating till like the last minute.
Right now I'm just more stressed out than anything else.
My love life is like a zero right now. I still think about whatever's happened before. Images of a particular night still haunts me everytime I close my eyes cause I feel betrayed and stupid. Hahaz. But like I said before in numerous post. Its not easy just forgetting. Like loads of people already know that I don't forget things very easily. I familiarise myself with people so well that I can tell who is who just by looking a the back of their heads. Its quite weird I know. But its only cause I notice close to everything about everyone.
I miss the solitude that I once enjoyed. One whereby my surroundings didn't drive me crazy. Now I've got to find somewhere else other than my own home thanks to that night. Bleah. And I thought I was over it all. Maybe I'm just irritated that I remember it all so clearly. Its not fair to either parties I know. But I'm just seriously unable to forget it. I've tried. I've tried to make it seem like its insignificant, but what one of my friends said to me keeps playing in my mind when I see that image in my mind, " You're his friend. If he had any respect for you, he wouldn't have done that to you."
I'm just so afraid that I'll never be able to reconcile things properly. Being able to talk to you is one thing. Forgetting that that night happened is another.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, March 05, 2009
Today I came to the realisation that I don't regret the things I've done, just the outcome of the situation.
Today I came to the realisation that I didn't just like you, I loved you.
Today I came to the realisation that I miss you as a friend more than you'll ever know.
Today I came to the realisation that you are most probably the only one who knows me better than I know myself.
Today I came to the realisation that its not what happened that makes it so difficult to live in my home, its how I felt because of them.
Today I came to the realisation that I've always loved you and I always will.
I realised a lot of things today by reading a book and watching a TV. Most people would think that romantic stories and movies and such fill the heads of young women everywhere with the idea that there is a perfect Mr. Right for them. That the impossible is actually possible.
Love is something real. Its something that really exist no matter what. Unconditional love though uncommon also really exist. I've been blessed to have been shown what unconditional love feels like. I am blessed to be able to love and care unconditionally.
As people, my close friends, sit and condemn you for what has happened and how much of a wreck I am sometimes, I can't bring myself to do such things to you. Like I told you before, I'll always love you as a friend first and foremost, everything else can change, but my love for you as a friend will never change. I may get angry, upset and pissed at you, but it can never last for long because you are the one person who understands me more than I understand myself. You know that you do. Which is why when we used to sit together, there would be no awkward silences. We never feel the need to fill in the silence. I loved just sitting down and enjoying that silence because so much love that both of us needed was passed in that silence. It is precisely because of that that makes it so hard to exist in my own home. Knowing that I'll most probably never have that again because I'm too stubborn to apologise to you in person and you're too full of yourself to see that you matter a great deal to me.
I really hope that one day our friendship returns. Because being friends with you and knowing that you know me made me so happy then. And I really want to return to that happiness. I want to be able to see you smile. And see that smile really light up your eyes the way they did sometimes when we talked about stuff. On a night just like this one, you cycled over and we sat near the pool. And talked and sat in silence. I saw your eyes sparkle. You were deep in thought, but you were content. I want to see that in your eyes again. And I'm sorry that I caused you so much problems. I truly am. But you of all people know that I will always be there for you no matter how crazy I get.
I miss you my dear old friend. I really do. I pray that I have the courage once again to face you and tell you I miss you straight to your face. And that I have the courage to look you in the eye and genuinely apologise.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, February 28, 2009
Where did I go wrong, I lost a Friend
What if everything thats ever gone wrong is all your fault?
How do you start to forgive yourself?
I can't. I don't want to stay away. I feel the beginnings of a wall. A wall that I don't want to build, but one that I'm building already. I want to smile and genuinely smile. The kind of smile that you can't say, "You don't have to pretend" to me. But how do I smile when I am losing one of my friends?
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
I'd do anything for you. And I think you know that. I'm most probably the most crazy, psycho friend you ever had. But I want to be that crazy,psycho friend. I want to be that friend who goes against what everyone else thinks of you. I want to be that friend who will tell you and believe it when she says, " Don't listen to them. You're more important than anyone else. You're not the kind of friend I'd be able to just forget. I won't forget you."
I don't want to be the friend who keeps hurting you. Who leaves you alone until she has problems and then turn to you. I'm not that kind of friend and you know it. I don't know how to be a good friend but I know that now's not the right time to talk to you. Or maybe it is but I'm just too afraid to try. I don't want you to build that wall again. And I hate it because I keep thinking that if I didn't ask you those silly questions that irritated you, you wouldn't be doing this right now. How do I not blame myself when everything thats happening now most probably wouldn't happen if I never said anything about how I felt about you THEN?!
When I told you how I felt, I also told you that you're the friend that I don't want to loose. I can't stand the thought of not having you in my life as my friend. Don't you see that? I need you in my life as a friend because you understand everything. I've never said this publically, but you most probably know me better than I know myself.
Who am I kidding? You're never going to read this. And even if you do, you won't say anything to me. If anything it'll make you more mad at me. I don't know what else to do but sit down and be hopeless.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, February 20, 2009
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from nothing to
Eternity
-Hosanna by Hillsong United.
I've forogtten how to love people. I used to say that the one thing that defined who I am, is my ability to love and care for anyone. People used to tell me that I had a beautiful heart because no matter how unfair life has been to me, I've always been able to open up my heart to anyone and everyone and love them and care for them.
All I want now is for my heart to be healed. I've been hurt by people whom I never expected to hurt me. Or rather by someone. But I keep blaming myself because it is afterall my fault. I try to be the happy person people are so used to seeing. That bubbly girl who can put a smile on anyones face. All I do now is make life difficult for the people in my life. I no longer know who I am anymore. What used to define who I was, is completely lost now. I've been carrying around this burden for so long. I can't open up to anyone. The one person I want to open up to hates me. I don't know how I managed to hurt soemone who cared so much for me.
Emman, you're one of the few people I'd trust with anything because you always understand no matter what. You'd put your problems aside to deal with mine. Thats what I love about you. You're an amazing friend. You will always mean more to me as a friend than anything else. We were the type of friends that would fall into sync in a heartbeat even if we haven't seen or talked to each other in ages. Here and now, I lie in my bed typing this out crying because I know I did a lot of stupid things that have most probably ended our friendship. And I can't deal with that. Hence the crying. You've always told me not to worry about you, but thats what friends do, they worry and look out for each other. You may not think twice about the way I am now, but you're still a friend whom in my books, is still worth my time and thoughts. Don't forget that you're more amazing that what you give yourself credit for. Most of my friends probably hate you because of whatever's happened, but I'll always love you as a friend. You're worth the time and effort no matter what everyone else may tell you otherwise. Take care my dear friend. And I meant the things I told you about not being able to just forget you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, February 20, 2009
Freda Kay Ibrahim thinks it sucks having to stay at home.
Freda Kay Ibrahim feels like an old woman because she's got to worry about money.
Freda Kay Ibrahim wonders if she'll ever make enough to support her lifestyle.
Freda Kay Ibrahim thinks that she should change her lifestyle cause she thinks she'll never make enough to support it.
Freda Kay Ibrahim might have just lost her mind.
Will anyone help Freda Kay Ibrahim to find her lost mind?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, February 12, 2009
I'm a fairly no nonsense kinda girl. I don't like to have my feelings be a toy to someone. I'm very easily affected. Shit like this just doesn't sit well with me. At least have some respect. Be real. I've never felt this uncomfortable with a particular bunch of people in my whole entire life. I know its not nice to trash people online and such, but who the fuck will read this. And even if they do then so be it. If you're not fake or if you think that everything's alright, then this would most probably have nothing to do with you. Only the guilty will feel offended. I don't know how long this post will stay up but I know I'll publish it.
I'm just really...way too tired to deal with all this crap. I no longer have the energy I used to to like unravel someone. I know a good friend would take the time to find out things. But I realised that being a good friend to people who do not appreciate is just a total waste of time. And I don't want to waste anymore time. I'm a girl who analyses every single move that is made. Everything people do, says something about the kinda person they are. And when you find out that the first impression was actually just complete and utter crap, things are ruined from there on out. Its not even that I like to judge people, its just that I'm so pass all this nonsense. I deal with such things with other people, I don't need it from some people I see on the weekends.
Not once have I been this affected. This is most probably why its so difficult to be my friend. I know like it sounds fairly childish, the whole friends thing, but I just don't want any more seasonal friends. Or fair weathered friends. I don't want or need anymore of that. I want genuine friends. Friends who will stick by me no matter what. Who will understand that I lost everything within me to actually try to be a decent friend for now. I'd do anything for friends, close ones especially, just don't hurt me and I'll most probably be your friend for life.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, February 07, 2009
Today you're gonna leave
Just like you did the day before
Watch by the window sill
You disapper into the corner store
I could swear that I saw you
Slip out the back door
You left your set of keys
And left me alone
I'm pacing our apartment
My heads a broken record I can't think
I keep repeating the very last words that you said to me
You didn't tell me you love me
Just goodbye
And there was something kinda final in it
Stay
Everything is wrong without you
Stay
My whole worlds a wreck
Oh will you save me now
Or leave me
Crazy ever after
I'm in a weak condition
Now you cut into the heart of me
You got my mind racing losing my grip on reality
You got me second guessing
Whats true and whats a lie
Why don't you look me in the eye
When I say
Stay
Everything is wrong without you
Stay
My whole worlds a wreck
Oh will you save me now
Or leave me
Crazy ever after
I don't know how to be alone
I don't know how to be alone
I don't know how to be alone
Today you're gonna leave
Just like you did the day before
Stay
Everything is wrong without you
Stay
My whole worlds a wreck
Oh will you save me now
Or leave me
Crazy Ever After
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, February 06, 2009
I guess I was angry. I keep letting people get into my head and tell me how I should feel. And in the process I keep hurting the people whom I care about, especially the people I don't really talk to much. But then again, I'm human and I will make mistakes with every step forward that I'm taking. I'm sorry if I hurt the people I really care for and I hope they undertstand. Its not that you're not a real friend. Just that right now its difficult and I hope in time being friends and just friends will be easy. Though I highly doubt that will happen. Hahaz. We'll always be scandals babe. Hahaz. Thats what friends are for. We'll walk our own way. Live the lives we need to live. So no worries :) I'll understand.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, February 06, 2009
So I've been listening to the song Seasons of Love from RENT. Its a very short song, about 3mins. But the depth of the words. 525,600 minutes. Thats all we have in a year. It may seem long, but its soooo short. It made me realise that I don't have time to regret decisions that I've made. I made a mistake, I slipped up in my judgement of someone for 5 years. I wasted too much time already, its just time to just look away now and move on.
I wasted a lot of time trying to be a friend. A friend I thought you needed, a friend people thought was crazy cause people kept telling me you weren't worth it. I still want to be that crazy friend, but actions always speak louder than words and I think you've already found another crazy friend. I wish you well. I'd never wish anything bad upon you, I may not like you as a person very much now, but still, I wish you well.
From today onwards, I'll lead my life for myself. And for the true friends that I have. The true friends in my skies. Always there, never too far away in distance and in heart. Thanks Claudia, Jolin and Gabe for always being there. I don't get to see you guys much, but you guys always listen when I need someone to. My mum was wrong. You guys are the true friends, not Emman. You guys know the reasons why we're friends. You guys know that there's always a reason to be someones friend.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, February 02, 2009
"Friends" that assure you that they are really your friends.
If you really were my friend, I wouldn't have asked. I wouldn't need to ask. You wouldn't give me the reason to ask. I gues I was so wrong about us. This friendship had no proper beginning. We're just two really stubborn people. Who like to get on each others nerves.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 31, 2009
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 31, 2009
I've got to accept that things won't be the same.
I've got to accept that there is someone else for me.
I've got to accept that I shouldn't make that person wait.
I've got to accept that that person will not always be there.
I've got to accept that that person will never be you.
I've got to accept that I'm not the one for you.
I've got to accept that we're meant for greater.
I've got to accept that I have to move on.
Acceptance...Something I just can't muster.
I've got to accept that there's someone better for you.
I've got to accept that she's already in your life.
I've got to accept that she's a nice person no matter what.
I've got to accept that she's better for you that I'll ever be.
I've got to accept that she'll soon take my place.
I've got to accept that you might not be the friend you said you'd be.
I've got to accept that people don't always keep their words.
I've got to accept that you might be one of those people.
I've got to accept that I've been guilty of that too.
Acceptance.....It's just so elusive.
Can you accept all that?
If you can, can you help me try?
Am I asking for too much?
You get angry everytime I ask, so should I just suffer in silence?
I guess I was always right.
And people in my life were wrong about you.
I hope life treats you well my dear scandal.
Or maybe ex-scandal. I don't know anymore.
Please, enlighten me.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, January 26, 2009
To the One Person I can't have.
Far away in the back of a secret drawer
I locked it away
So no one can touch them
So I don't have to look at them
So I don't feel the pain
I thought that all these measures taken would help
I thought that the pain would subside
But then one day I felt it all crash down upon me
I felt the air in my lungs being pushed out
I felt my soul leave my body
They say that no one has ever died of a broken heart
But what if they had a broken spirit too
I'm falling apart
Nothing's holding me together.
I miss you so
I miss your words
I miss your face
I want you here
I need you here
You hold me together when things go wrong
You keep me safe and warm through this cold cold path that I'm on
I need you here by my side
I need to know that you still care
I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the sweet words you'd whisper into my ear.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 24, 2009
Run by Leona Lewis/Snow Patrol
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But ever single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you,dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for your lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say.
This song, though simple, says a lot. Its a sad hopeful song. I don't know to believe it or not, but for now, I will. It seems to give me comfort in this time whereby the one person I want, is the one person I know I must leave. For the sake of both of us. I can keep lying to myself and the people who don't know me really well, but I can't hide the fact that I really can't forget you even if I really want to right this instant. You told me once to just forget about you, and I really hope that I can eventually even though I gave you a huge long list of reasons why I can't. And right now, those reasons prove true because you keep running around in my mind! I want it to stop. I know you'll tell me that its all my choice. But in situations like this, you know for yourself, that its not a choice. It just happens. I never wanted something like this to happen....But it did. I told myself I wouldn't let it happen, but it did.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, January 23, 2009
You follow and watch someone elses life and in the process forget to live your own.
You watch and follow to ensure that they don't make mistakes.
But in truth you're making the biggest mistake by not living.
We live like we've got eternity, but we die like we never lived.
Its a sad but true tale for this phase of my life.
I need to try to look away.
I need to try to live my life to the fullest.
I need to try to live like it were my last days.
To have plans for the future but never to forgo the things that make us live!
You're like an addiction.
An addiction that I just need to quit.
Help me do that.
Be my poision so I'll stay away.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, January 22, 2009 Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one I still got the seed
You said move on
Where do I go?
I guess second best
Is all I will know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes
You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's tonnes of fish in the water
So the waters I will test
He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I was looking into your
You're the best
And yes
I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
And now
Now the lessons learnt
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I was looking into your
Your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door and take me away
No more mistakes
Cause in your eyes
I'd like to stay
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, January 19, 2009
Anyways, I discovered something very random today......
I MISS DRAWING!
I MISS HAVING INSPIRATION!
I MISS SONGWRITING!
I MISS COMPOSING!!
I MISS WRITING STORIES!
I MISS MY LOVE FOR THE PIANO! !!
Oddly enough, I don't miss having someone to love in my life. The other day I was watching this video presentation that my dad made me watch, its called the interview with God.
There was something in there that said that We cannot make someone love us the way we want them to, all we can do is let somebody love us. And I completely agree with that! Its like we(or most people) spend so much time trying to make themselves someone whom people can love or make someone love them the way they wished that someone would love them, that they seem to forget that there are people in their lives already who do love them, just that they don't know how to show it.
I'm glad that God has shown me such things these past few weeks, and that He's really paved the way for me to become the leader I was born to be. For these few gifts, I'm ever greatful. I've always known that the path that lies before me will never be one that is smooth, but its a path filled with many pot holes and cracks, but at least I know that I'm not walking this path alone, though sometimes it may feel like I am, I know that God is always going to be beside me, sometimes He may take the form of a friend, sometimes it may seem like He's not there at all, but He is the wind that carries you forward.
I think that for today, I'm content with what I have. Anything more would be a blessing, and anything less would be something which I should learn from.
My moment of Clarity and Enlightment.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 17, 2009
This year will be one of great dificulty and challenges for each one of us. Be it in our personal life or our school or work life. We'll all be very busy and will find it hard to make time for ourselves, let alone our best friends. But fear not because as best friends, we'll understand the plight each one of us has and understand the difficulties in scheduling something as a group to just meet and catch up. Something that this year we won't be able to do very often.
I assure you that no matter what, I'll always be here. Call my name and I'll find you wherever you may be so that I may help. I have faith that all of us will do well in whatever we choose to persue this year. We'll be supporting each other from a distance. The support is all we need.
I thank all of you for always being there for me especially when I didn't seem to be able to make time for you guys. Thanks for always being there to hear my cries :)
Take care
God bless
I love you guys!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, January 16, 2009
You'll never be alone my dear,
Just remember that you've always got a friend in me
I'll be watching from afar
If you fall and choose to fall alone
Know that if you call I'll be there to help.
Till then my dear, take care.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, January 15, 2009
When you walked back into my life
And all I could do was fall for you
Though I was just a listening ear
You made me feel like someone cared
I didn't want this to happen
I can't blame you for what has happened
But nor am I to be blamed
We were just two people who needed someone
You were that someone for me
And I was just a silly friend who'd listen to you
I thought that the friendship could stand this test
But looking at you now, I see it crumble
Maybe the foundation wasn't strong enough
Maybe life is pulling us in different directions
I don't know how to keep you as a friend
But I know deep within that I shouldn't try
Not because I don't care
But because its the best thing for both me and you
I remind myself to just stay away
But yet I keep checking to see if you've changed your mind
Not about us, but about the friendship
But it seems like your mind is made up
You're pulling away the way you did with the others
What hurts the most
Is that I always knew everything about you
But now is the time in which you choose to pull away
Never once before, but somehow this is different for you
I can't sit here and blame you for all thats happen
Even if my entire being screams for me to
I can't
You're the friend that I always needed
You were that friend
But now its my turn to pile the blame on myself
My thoughtless actions caused this rift between us
I don't want to lose you but I know its inevitable
You don't want to try to keep the friendship
And I just don't have the strength that I used to
I don't know if I've the strength to continue
But I know that I must use whatever I've left to try
To try and move on with my life
I keep telling myself to do so,
But my feet won't move
Here I stand rooted to this spot where my world crashed around me
I see myself building that wall that you helped pull down once before
Will you be there again to stop me?
I don't think so
You need that time to yourself
Maybe when you decide its time
I will be surrounded by that wall
And you won't have to worry or feel guilty
Cause then you won't see anything but the smile plastered on
Are we happy plastic people?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I'm sorry Emman, I really can't help the things that I think most of the time. You confront me about some of the most silly things sometimes and I put up with it and try and convince you usually cause you do it in the day and I'm sorry that things like that only happen to me at night when you're most probably not in the best of moods to deal with my crazy problems and there's nothing more that I can say other than that I'm sorry. Its all I can say cause I can't think of anyhting else to say. It killed me inside to ask you that and I'm sorry.
All I do is keep hurting you and if thats all I'm ever going to do then I'll just walk out now. I keep doing things to make you angry to make you sad and to make you think of the silliest things and I'm sorry that I keep doing that to you. I'm more destructive to my friends that drugs. Things would most probably be better for you if I just left.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, January 08, 2009
I may not love now, the way people or someone wants me to, but still I love. It doesn't mean that the love is any weaker than it was before, or weaker compared to any other kind of love, just that its not the way you want it to be. You may not fall for me, but I'm thankful that you don't/didn't. For that one moment in time, I lost myself and you help make sure that I didn't make a huge mistake and I thank you for that. Never once would I have gotten angry at you for what happened because I let myself be vulnerable. Like I said before, this is the time for me to just walk away and find myself I guess, or learn more about what I already know.
You're not my here and now, I highly doubt you'd be my future either, which is why I know I've got to walk away. I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving what could've been. At least now I don't have to wonder because I tried. I leave this behind with no regrets. Both of us know that it won't work. What me and you need is time away from each other. And if in that time someone else takes my place, I can't be mad at you because you didn't know better. But I pray this friendship survives the test its about to be put through, or is going through.
My life is not ready for someone to love me. I don't feel the pain that I thought that I would, not because I don't feel strongly for you, I do, just that I decided to grow up and accept what I couldn't have and just leave it at that. Yes, I am saying all this for my benefit, and to help me move on, but there is a certain amount of truth to what I say.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, January 07, 2009
You did it again
You did hurt my heart
I don't know how many times
You I don't know what to say
You made me so desperately in love
And now you let me down
You said you'd never lie again
You said this time would be so right
But then I found you were lying there by her side
You, you turn my whole life so blue
Drowning me so deep
I just can't reach myself again
Oh...You, successfully tore my heart
Now its only pieces
Oh...Nothing left but pieces fo you
You frustrate me with this love
I've been trying to understand
You know I'm trying, I'm trying
You said you'd never life again
You said this time would be so right
But then I found you were lying there by her side
You, you turn my whole life so blue
Drowning me so deep
I just can't reach myself again
Oh...You successfully tore my heart
Now its only pieces
Oh, nothing left but pieces of you
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, January 06, 2009
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Back To When The Heart Was Whole And The Burdens Light
I'll move on eventually. I'm sorry but I've got to step out of your life to move on with mine for now. Its what both me and you need right now. Time apart. Our friendship has stood the test of many trials, I pray that it'll survive this time.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, January 05, 2009
I've kept myself hidden from everything in my life just so I wouldn't have to feel this pain. Making how I feel known is a great step for me, and its a huge step that I've taken. And now I wonder why I made that decision to take that step. Why did I decide to take a leap of faith when I knew that I shouldn't, when I knew that the outcome would not be one that I desired, when I knew that my suffering would be worsened? Why did I listen to what other people said? This one time, and I feel like things are going so wrong. I've just changed something that I felt was so important, that I know is important, all for something that will not happen. I've never been this stupid in my whole entire life. Why now? What is it about you that made me think that this was okay? People told me not to lead you on, but...I wasn't, I didn't. You didn't fall for me, I fell for you. Why this? Why now?
All I can ask myself, is why I chose to do it? When I couldn't say it out loud, it must've been a sign. I know that I shouldn't do this to you, I know that you deserve better because I will end up hurting you and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did. Don't call me selfless because my decision to tell you was a selfish one. Don't call me selfless because half the things I do, is for my own benefit. I do the things I do, not because I don't want to see people hurt, but because I don't want to be hurt. I can't sit and watch as things go wrong, I can't sit and watch as I see people's pained espressions.
In 2009, I pray that you receive the happiness that you're due, even if it means that I have to leave.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, January 02, 2009
I've changed the course of things, I can feel the change. You may try telling me that it doesn't change anything, but my confession changed a huge deal of things. I feel more miserable because all the time I feel like I should be kicking myself for telling you. I contemplated telling you for months. I need to ask you if all that happened meant anything to you. If it didn't, I'll graciously walk out of your life now. It'll kill me inside, but its better that way for you. Don't tell me that you want me in your life, if you treat me that way and then tell me it means nothing. I can't live that way and you shouldn't live that way.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Thinking of You by Katy Perry.
Cause when I'm with him
I am, thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Could be looking into your eyes
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, December 29, 2008
A hopeless world would wait
Sin demanded justice
At a price we could not pay
But God displayed his mercy
The greatest gift of love
When we could not reach heaven
Heaven came to us
He made a way in a manger
A way through the Son
Messiah the promised
Before time had begun
For God so love this world
Though he knew what Love would cost
He made a way in a manger
To make a way to the cross
When hopelessness is all that consumes you, its the time to just run away and hide in the comfort of Jesus. Thats what i need to do now. Love entails loads of sacrifices. Sacrifices that I think for now my heart is just not ready to make. So I guess that its best if I do not love. No matter how much my mind body and soul may crave it, I cannot let it happen because I know that I shouldn't go for things that I am not prepared for. I only forsee heartache if I pursue this road that I'm on now. I've got to find a detour that will lead me to another fork in the road so that this time I may choose the right one.
Mistakes in life, we all make them, but then again now its time for me to learn from them all. I finally have this little time to pick myself up and live my life the way God intended it to be. Though all this is easier said than done, I'm sure one day I'll reach there eventually. For now, I've got to make that conscious effort not to fall for someone so near and dear to me. So even if it means that I will be empty and void for the time being, just bear with me. I think my life needs me to be alone and though I know it'll never happen, just let me do this one thing for myself even if it starts getting destructive for things must get worse before it can get better.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, December 27, 2008
While angles sang to lowly shepards
Three wisemen seeking truth
Travelled from afar
Hoping to find the child of heaven
And falling on their knees
They bowed before the humble
Prince of Peace
I bring an offering of worship to my King
No one on earth deserves the praises that I sing
Jesus may you receive the honour that you're due
Oh Lord I bring an offering to you
The sun cannot compare
To the glory of your love
There is no shadow in your presence
No mortal man would dare
To stand before your throne
Before the holy one of heaven
It's only by your blood
And its only through your mercy
Lord I come
I bring an offering of worship to my King
No one on Earth deserves the prasies that I sing
Jesus may you receive the honour that you're due
Oh Lord I bring an offering to you
I bring an offering to you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, December 27, 2008
You're a friend of all friends,
You go beyond the relms of what a friend should do
You're there to lend me your shoulder
Be it for a good cry or just for comfort.
But you drive me crazy,
Day and night
You're on my mind.
I think of us as more then friends
But I know that I must stop this destructive habit.
To my grave it'll lead me
A bitter ending that awaits.
I don't want to love anymore. Loving as only brought me heartache. I don't want to have a reason to be angry at people whom I know I love dearly. There are so few options left. Options that I don't want to think about. I'm just so afraid.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, December 25, 2008 So as 2008 is drawing to a close, I think that I should actually reflect on the year that I've had so far. This year started off with me getting my O level results and not being very happy with it and then finding out that I got into a Poly that was on the other side of the island. And then school started. It was fun and then the drama in school began. But before that there was already drama in my life.
I was busy getting over someone whom I thought I loved and then I fell for someone else. Andrew led me through an amazingly trying journey. He helped me learn a lot about myself, especially my capacity to actually love and accept. He taught me how to follow my heart no matter where it leads me and that though my dreams may not seem like they're within my reach, I only needed to open up my eyes to see them right in front of me. He gave me the confidence I needed even though he wasn't here. He taught me that it was okay to love more than one person. He accepted everything about me and loved me for me. He accepted the decisions I made in life no matter what they were. He tried his best to make sure I didn't fall too deeply in love with him. He'll always have a place in my heart.
School brought many challenges. I got in good with a couple of people whom I thought were really great friends initially and then once again, drama happened and I got hurt by my semester one friends. And then something amazing happened. I joined an acapella group. It opened up my eyes and made me fall in love with music once again. I haven't really composed many great songs this year, I don't think I've actually composed more than one song this year. Its been a slow year on the creative side for me, but I made an amazing amount of friends in school. Including my sem. two friends whom initially had some drama. Jean, Beverly my acapella mates who listen to me rant and rave no matter what. James who also listens to my sad sob stories. Gladys who deals with my constant crazy moods, Sharon who makes me laugh no matter what and listens to me go crazy over guys!!
This has been a trying year for my faith. I drifted so far away from what I believed in. I fell out of love with singing as a service so much that I thought it was a chore. But God always has his ways. And He's always pulled me back. He brought me back to my mother ministry which is Christus and He never asked much. He let me go when I needed and brought me back when He thought that I was ready to be fully committed to service again.
Which brings me to my life long friends. The people whom I love dearly with all my heart. First of....the one who's been there for like EVER! Claudia!!!! I just met her just now so we finally got to catch up. I'm so thankful that God has placed such a wonderful person in my life, a friend who is always there no matter how crazy life gets. You've been there for me for most of my life. We weren't always this close, but we go there eventually babe. Through all the drama in our lives, we've always beent here for each other and I thank you for that.I'm so happy that you've finally found someone whom you love. Mark, you're one really lucky guy. Jolin!!! You're there no matter what, just like Claudia, and even though this year is like your O level year, you've still managed to make time for me and slot me into your schedule which is insane just like mine! I'm happy for you and Garrett even though I've never met him. He's still yet to get the approval from the friends. And I wanna go out with both you can Claudia one day!! I can't remember if we've ever done that. Hahaz. Emmanuel!! I was going to spell out your full name and then I realised that it'll have made you seem special. But then again you're one of the great friends that I have. You know me as well as my two best friends, and I dare say that you're one of the best friends that I have, just like Claudia and Jolin. You've been there for me for so long. You've watched me cry, laugh, you've seen me in love, you've watched me get my heart broken, you've been there for me through all the drama and now I only pray that I can be as great a friend that you've been to me.
Before I go, I have to thank my Family. This gift that God has bestowed upon me. I've been blest to have been given this awesome family. Though we're not perfect, though we have loads of drama, I still thank God for every single day that I have with you. You deal with me and my drama and my mood swings everyday. And yet you guys all still love me (i hope). I couldn't have asked or prayed or hoped for a better family than the one I have.Mum and Dad Have both taught me a great deal about life and how I should always pick myself up. There are always people waiting to tear me down and that I should be strong no matter what. Mum taught me that in life, people come and go, but family is always there. Dad taught me that I should never settle for less that I should always get what I deserve especially when it comes to looking for someone to love. Brian and Faith You both have always been there to listen to me and talk sense into me especially when Mum and Dad can't. I'm sorry for all the times I've hurt you guys and I really am thankful that I've got siblings who'd do anything for me if I just asked. With all the people I know, I don't know anyone who has a family as close as ours, a family who can talk about anything and everything. And I think that God really has blessed me and my family. I have siblings who I most probably can't live without and parents who are open to any topic of conversation and I really mean ANY topic.
Sure this year has been filled with loads and loads of drama, me loving people and such. I guess even though at times life seems like its getting no where and is only going downhill, its never as bad as it seems. God will never let me fall and I have faith in that. I have faith that God will catch me before I reach rock bottom. And even though I feel like crap because I haven't said anything about who I like and such though some know who he is, God is still here with me guiding me through this sticky situation and I'm ever so thankful to have such a loving God.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, December 21, 2008
You ask why i put myself through this?
I feel useless, and hopeless and lifeless. Everyone will just tell me to snap out of it. I know what each of you will tell me so don't bother. I know what you will ask. I know you all so well. So don't bother. Don't waste your time with me. And just stop caring for me. Its not gonna get you anywhere in life. And if one day I ever ask why you just stopped caring, tell me that its because I told you not to. Because its what I'm asking of you all now. I want to be numb to this aching feeling I have within. You joke about it, but you don't know the severity. You don't see me trying to blink back the tears when I'm with you. So don't tell me you understand and don't tell me you're in the same boat. I may sound like an emo kid, but I can do much worse than they can. I've forged lifetime friendships with some people. I can hurt so many more if I decide to just end my life right here and now. And because of the pain I know I can cause, I won't end my life. Not on my own accord. So I'll just lie here in my bed tonight, motionless as I look into the emptiness before me which I call my life.
Being single is still the best you say. You don't know how lonely it gets. You don't know how painful it becomes afterawhile. Try it for 4 years. You won't be the same person ever again. You always ask why I care so much, its because of fear. Fear that I forget how to love, fear that I forget what its like to feel. You ask why I put myself through so much shit everyday of my life? Its because it helps me know that I'm still alive, that I've still got more years to dread.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, December 20, 2008
Marie Digby - Voice on The Radio
Last night I fell in love with a stranger
Behind the glass house he came walking out the backdoor
Into a crowd of screaming girls calling his name
.
.
.
But who am I kidding to even think that you might see me
It's in the stars that girls like me
And boys like you were never meant to be
So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same as I do
Would you be scared if I told you I like you
And would you run if I told you I love you
Cause here I stand fightin what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same as I do
I never saw it coming the way a voice can make it feel
And I fear that I am falling
I should be old enough to know
Not to fall in love with the voice on the radio.
I actually ran out of poetic things to say. So I think that this song should suffice. And yes, I really am "Torn between what reason says, and how I really feel" and it seems silly I know. I tell people to follow their hearts most of the time, but now I just can't step out in faith because of what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of losing what I already have. But I can't have my cake and eat it at the same time. I really do "fear that I am falling". Falling for the one person I swore I wouldn't fall for because I knew that this would happen. The voice of reason in my head tells me to just forget about it and move on, but my heart tells me to hold on. Don't you think that its always a constant struggle between your heart and your mind? And I've always been the person who sought to please people, and I can't please both my heart and mind when they're going in two completely different directions. I know in the long run, listeninig to my mind would be a better thing to do, but if you never try, you never know and I don't want to live with the should've would've could've. I don't want to think that I missed out on an opportunity at love. And I don't know if "you'd run if I told you I love you". Would you stay? I fall in love real quickly, and I give my heart away real quick as well. And when I do, I don't want to take back what I've already been given. We'll see if you stay or run when the time comes for me to ask. Or tell.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, December 19, 2008
- Freda Kay Ibrahim
I wrote that last year. When I was so inlove with someone. And I think that today, here and now, this belongs to you. Its not that i'm recycling my feelings, you know me better than that. Genuine feelings are never taken lightly with me. And I haven't felt this way in a long time. But despite what I've just typed out there from my personal diary, I'll try my hardest too just let you slip right through my fingers. The one thing that I've learnt, is that its better to let the one you love free if he doesn't want to stay. Its the right thing to do and nothing can keep him close to you if he wants to go. I love you with all my heart, but I know that I shouldn't hold on to you no matter how much I want to. This same opportunity to love you was given to me sometime ago, but I chose to let to slide right through my fingers and stay with someone who eventually hurt me. But you were always there. And now I've fallen for you. For now, I think that I'll just stay here while I get you to move forward with your life. I walk away not because I don't care, but because I care too much to hurt you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, December 14, 2008
There's nothing to look forward to.
Life is not as simple as it should've been.
More difficult that what I expected
Expectations set us up for disappointment
Don't expect things from people
Don't expect things from life
It's all just going to let you down
I've been let down so many times.
Being hopeful and having expectations have only let me down
And people wonder why I'm such a pessimist in life
It wouldn't matter much if I were here or dead and gone
Sometimes I think it'd be better for the people whom I care about.
And I wonder if it's true.
But sometimes I just don't care
Sometimes I just want to be selfish and end all the pain for myself
Not caring about repercussions of my actions.
And then I become myself again
Then I start worrying about the pain I'd leave behind.
Why do I even care for the people who don't care enough to live?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I just don't know how much more I can give before I don't have anything left to give. And the reason why I'm doing this is because I promised to be your friend, and I'd sacrifice no less for you than I have for others. I just don't know how much before I reach the breaking point. Then maybe you'll get your wish of seeing me die a bloody death.
And the worse part about this is, you don't even know its about you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, November 30, 2008
Having a love life is like the last thing on my mind right now. Its just not really a time for me to have a boyfriend or be in love or anything silly like that. I just don't get it.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, November 19, 2008
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, October 27, 2008
We've been through our ups and downs
Sharing laughter and the tears
Through it all you've always been there
Keeping me safe,
Keeping me warm.
You smile when I cry
Because you know that I'll smile too
We've weathered the storms in our lives together
One after the other
Together we've proved
That nothing can pull us apart
For together we are strong
Stronger than what others can ever imagine.
I'll love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
I'll love you forever
And a day.
Though the years pass
Though the seasons change
Nothing that happens
Can change my love for you.
I'll love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
I'll love you forever
And a day.
You make me happy babe. Even though things around me are always crazy. You always seem to calm me down and let me have time for myself even if my schedule doesn't permit me to do so. You make me smile even when all the world is crashing around me. For that I'll love you forever and a day. You are the one who gets me. You understand when it seems like no one else does. You watch me sleep and sometimes wait for me to wake up. You never cease to amaze me with each passing day you suprise me. For that I'll always love you forever and a day.
xoxo
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Catching the tears as the fell
Embracing me with love
But I've always been too blind to see
Though now my eyes are clear
You've moved on
To someone who doesn't care
Come back to me
And I'll show you the love that you deserve
Though things may not always work
I promise you my friendship forever
And I hope you promise me yours.
So I wrote that yesterday when I was at Starbucks in Woodlands with Jean and James. Its been quite a while since I've written something like that and once again I'm sure that the person its about doesn't know who he is because he thinks I'm in love with someone else.
I thought so too until it became clear to me that I can't bring myself to love someone so far away no matter how much I may care for that person. And I feel like a bitch for telling him that I'll love him forever even though it is true, but if it was always meant to be just me and him, I wouldn't feel this way. Would I? This life is just so complicated and most people would just tell me to deal with it because everyone goes through it. And I'm sure everyone does. And as a teen I'm sure its like my job to over dramatise this, but then again, how do you tell apart real love from infatuation?
We all want something we can't have. We want something no one else has. We want something to call our own. Its human nature. Even the people who devote their lives are after something they can't have, world peace or to end world hunger because in their lives they are not at peace and they're always craving for something more. There is a void in the lives that they need filled.
I pray that God will point me in the right direction. I pray that things will follow through and go according to God's will because I know that whatever may happen I may not be strong enough to handle on my own. I've been alone only with God by my side for so long, that now I feel like I'm missing something.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Life's been a bitch, more of a bitch that it usually is, but then again...Life was never said to be easy. But who the hell ever said it'd be this twisted and difficult?
Love is love I guess. More complicated than it should be, but still is.
Kinda hung up with Jason Mraz's I'm Yours.
And InPulse's Pictures On The Wall.
My choices from here on out
Will dictate the life I'll eventually lead
The people I love
The people I hold close to my heart
I fear to see the tears that will fall
For I know that if they start
They may never stop
I know some things may never change
I hope this love never does
Though I don't feel it any more
I hope you'll help me remember
This heart of mine has given so much
That its too empty to feel anything
Let alone love.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, September 29, 2008 hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way youre always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when youre not around,
and the fact that you didnt call.
But mostly I hate the way I dont hate you,
not even close
not even a little bit
not even at all.
This is from the movie 10 things I hate about you. This is the poem the Julia Stiles read out.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, September 06, 2008
A heart that is able to bend towards the will of others and to accomodate others is a heart that won't break, but without a broken heart, we won't get hurt. Without getting hurt, we won't learn. If we don't learn, how then do we grow?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, August 22, 2008 Our lives are like paintings, painted by God. He added all the colours. Each colour is a person. We are the masterpiece, what makes us up, is the people who are there to love and support us through all that we go through. Today, I'm glad that God has added so many beautiful colours in my painting. I've been conflicted lately, though thats a huge understatement and no it has nothing to do with my (ex) classmates. This is a matter of the heart, as is anything that can drive me mad.
Two very different guys, one here in Singapore the other, in a land far away. I've been through so much with one and I barely know the other. One would be willing to do almost anything for me just so he can see me smile, but I don't know about the other. One would still care if I told him that me and him should go on a break for a while because I'm confused because he cares about me that much, I don't know what the other would do or where things will take me and him. One would smile like everything's okay and that he's alright with my decision to do this though inside he'd be crushed, the other may not care. One would catch me if I were to fall, he'd actually do anything so that I wouldn't stumble, I don't know if the other would bother.
I know it seems that there's a very obvious answer to my predicament. But that One, is in a land far away, my heart is always with him kinda literally since he got something with a heart on it for me, but I love him too much to put him through this again and I know if I don' say anything, it'd be another lie that I can't keep a hold on. I love my One, its true. But I'm 17, I'm kinda allowed to be kinda undecided when it comes to guys rather than just commiting to one. Especially that One who, although cares for me, has broken my heart loads of times by going out with other girls who are actually in that land far away. But I don't think I can do that to him.
Thanks Jean, for listening to me, you're one of my best friends that I've made in quite sometime. And so far, you've been the one with the time to listen to me because we're in the same school.
Claudia,you're the bestest best friend remember? I owe you a lot, you've been there for me for ages. Through almost all ages. Haha if you get what I mean. Your birthday's coming up and I've got to go out to get your gifts together. Haha. But you're the best friend I could've only wished for. Don't worry love, I understand the situation you're in, and I'd never say that you didn't care because I know what its like to be where you're at.
Jolin, I love you babe, you're there for me to rant and rave though you've got your O's this year and you're one of the few who would make as much time for me if it happens to fall within your busy schedule, kinda like the way I used to treat you and I'm sorry for that. Hahaz. I know where you're at right now. I've been there. I was there last year. Keep all distractions away babe, if not, Learn To Partition.
Gabe, you're in Uni now, so not much time to grab Ice Cream with me and see the problems written all over my face and spent the rest of the night trying to get me to talk. Hahaz. And I don't get to see your far away "I'm thinking real deep now" look anymore. Haha. We're getting to caught up in our lives. Hahaz. I blame school, though I know you secretly love it. Hahaz.
Camille, I miss you wing, I haven't seen you in a while. And I know you're like waiting for the day for me to complain and rant and rave about everything to you again, but you know that day won't come anytime soon because right now you need me to be your listening ear. And don't worry babe, even if I were in love or not, I will listen, its more difficult to advise, but I'll listen because I think I deserve my chance at happiness sometimes too. Doesn't mean I don't care. Just means that my love gets around more I guess.
My family, you're always there, Brian, Faith. Always there to protect me from the asses all around. I know you've always got my back. Thats kinda what siblings are for. I miss spending time with you, just the 5 of us and sometimes just the sibs together. Its been awhile. Just us and no one else. You're always there to put me in my place and to guide me. And Guidance is what I seek and need from time to time. Now more often than not and I'm forever thankful and greatful for always having you guys there. I'm indeed blessed.
These are the colours in my life, the people God has painted into my life, the significant colours whom without I'd have been lost, I wouldn't be here. I may be in school and distant, but I know who are the important ones. I always will know because they're the ones who make life worth living, who make my days interesting and worthwhile. I'm thankful that God chose each and every one of you to walk this path with me. That in this, we're each fulfilling a destiny that was mapped before us.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, August 17, 2008 I remember my first day in W25D. It was orientation. I came in class late and found out which group I was in. The first people I talked to were Pris and TY and if I'm not mistaken Jin Mun. I remember Pris saying, "I think we should all start by introducing who we are. I'm Priscilla." She was the first one to talk to me in class. That much I remember. And I'm forever greatful to you Priscilla. The past few months have been tough for me since I withdrew from you guys and I'm sorry. You guys (i.e. Priscilla, Ting Yuan, Haikal, Adam, Wei Ping, Phareez, Kevin) made my first few months in poly really good and enjoyable. And I'm sorry for whatever I may have done and said to anger or provoke you or whatever it might have been.
I remember the BBQ we had at my place which ended up starting only at like 8 plus. I remember Phareez getting lost and the charades (remmeber Step Up 2?). And I also remember TY saying she wet her pants because my bed started leaking. Haha.
You guys were the ones who helped cheer me up when my dog had to be put down. I am thankful to you guys especially for always being there during those first few months of my Poly life.
To the rest of W25D I still hold you guys close to my heart because you are the class that I went through that adjustment with. We survived the first semester of Poly. I hope that life brings about more opportunities for you guys and that you guys may always know that your dreams and aspirations are always within reach. Nothing is too far. And I do mean the things I say and I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to you guys or whatever mean things I may have said. I do admit that sometimes my words may get too harsh or mean.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, August 13, 2008
SOMETHING ALWAYS BRINGS ME BACK TO YOU
Gravity by Sara Bareillies
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much,
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile,
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while,
And all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees,
As I try to make you see,
That you're everything I think,
I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe,
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that,
You're keeping me down... oooh.
Keeping me down...yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're on to me, you’re on to me and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do,
I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much,
Than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile,
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while,
And all my fragile strength is gone.
Set me free, leave me be.
I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
Just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
I live here on my knees,
As I try to make you see,
That you're everything I think,
I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe,
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that,
You're keeping me down... oooh.
Keeping me down...yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're on to me, you’re on to me and all over...
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, August 12, 2008 I remember when life used to be so simple. All I had to do was wake up in the morning knowing that things would be alright. Not a care in the world. When everyone was a friend (or at least you always thought so). When no one would talk behind your back(at least to the best of your knowledge). When there was only good and bad. I miss those days. Those times when all you needed was your Mum and Dad.
They always say that as you get older you need your parents less. But I find that, the older I get, the more I look to my parents for answers. Its like as if I'm growing backwards. Haha. I remember distancing myself from my family when I was in primary school. I only went to them when I was in trouble and they always bore the brunt of my anger all the time. Its not something I'm proud of, but its something that did happen.
As I sit in the library today and research on Uni's I may want to go to and the courses I want to take, I actually realised that in all my life, I never had to do something this important by myself. And because of that, I saw how much I actually disregarded the guidance of my family in my past 16 + years of living. I know I've still got a few years to make this decision, but then again, I am always changing my mind especially if I've no goal to work towards to. I don't know what I want to do for real just yet. And its scary because I've got only a few years to decide and I'm already taking a course in a particular field.
I remember in secondary and primary school, this kinda things don't really matter because almost everyone does the same things except maybe in Sec 3 where you choose the subjects you want. I miss having the easy life. Or the less complicated life.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, August 07, 2008
So I've been feeling...neutral. There's nothing much to say.
Our future is maped out in the stars.
Its already been decided
Who we are
What we are to each other
And to the world that surrounds
I may not know who I am now
But I do know where I want to be
Who I want to be
How I'm going to get there
I want so much for you to journey with me
But yet I know my dream is not yours
You can go your own way
And I'll go mine
If fate sees it fit
We'll be with each other some day
Maybe someday soon.
This Is Me by Demi Lovato and Joe Jonas (from Camp Rock)
I've always been the kind of girl
That hid my face
So afraid to tell the world
What I've got to say
But I have this dream
Bright inside of me
I'm gonna let it show
It's time to let you know
To let you know...
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me now
I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
Do you know what it's like
To feel so in the dark
To dream about a life
Where you're the shining star
Even though it seems
Like it's too far away
I have to believe in myself
It's the only way
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me now
I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singin'
I need to find you
I gotta find you
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
I need to find youI gotta find you
This is real, this is me
I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now
Gonna let the light shine on me now
I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
This is me... This is me...
You're the missing piece I need
The song inside of me
You're the voice I hear inside my head
The reason that I'm singin'
Now I've found who I am
There's no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I want to be
This is me
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. - George Bernard Shaw
After reading that, it got me thinking if I'm truly truly happy. I know that I tell people that I am, but I don't know if I really am. Seems like I've built this huge lie in my life that now it has become my real life, no longer just a lie, but a truth. Is that possible? I seem to remember when I cared so much, but now it seems like I no longer care, about myself, about others. I miss the person I used to be.
But what I've learnt, that its no use wishing and looking back because the world still moves forward, with or without you, it still moves on. You're just one small person in this HUGE world. You're like an ant. A wish is only a dream and will remain a dream if you don't work towards it.
What I want now, is to grow and learn. To work hard not only in school, but in my life and in my faith as well, to grow and get to where I want to be. I want to be successful, I want to be someone people can look up to, I want to set a good example for my younger relatives. I want them to know that they too can do it. Its not impossible. That they are not subjected to the plans that their parents have mapped out, but they should set their path with the guidance of their Faith and they'll get to where they need to be.
I want to have it within me to accept the things that I cannot changes and try to effect change upon the things in which I can change. I want to be able to accept the imperfections in life that cannot be changed and strive to do better in the areas which can be changed.
I haven't been this lost in years. As in like, completely aimless and I feel like I'm not needed, like I've lost my purpose. Why now?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I could lose my vision
My eyes no longer see
I could lose my religion
In my struggle to believe
That would be a loss
That would be a cross
I'd somehow rise above
But Heaven help me
If I ever lose your love
I've traded my innocence
For the secrets of the night
Felt my calloused conscience
Lose its grip on wrong and right
It cut me to the bone
But somehow I've held on
'Cause I could feel your touch
But Heaven help me
If I ever lose your love
'Cause you are the one light that shines on me
Without your love God knows where I'd be
Lost without a prayer
Somewhere way out there
My soul would turn to dust
Heaven help me
If I ever lose your love
'Cause you are the one light that shines on me
Without your love God knows where I'd be
So hold me close again
Tell me it won't end
And that will be enough
Heaven help me
If I ever lose your love
Heaven help me
If I ever lose your love
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, July 28, 2008
I think about the choices I've made
About the choices that I'm going to have to make soon
Not only in my life,
But in the lives of others as well
My heart,
So heavy and burdened
I know not what to do anymore
I'm lost in this sea of emotion
I've lost the person I used to be
I think about the future
I think of running away from my present
But still I see nothing when running away
I see a future of darkness
No light to guide my path
My faith
Once as strong as a mighty rock
Now a candle flickering in the wind
So delicate,
So fragile
Just like the life that possesses it
I need guidance
I used to know where I was going
But now I'm running in all directions
I'm running into the nothingness that surrounds
My heart and soul
So conflicted though the same
Can you show me the way?
Can you lead me the way you used to?
I miss your guidance
I miss your voice
Lord, will you guide me now
On this journey that I feel so lost on
On this path that you've paved for me
Lord, please guide me.
Amen.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, July 19, 2008
You cover me with your love
When all the world's against me
You my Lord stand by my side
Never have you abandoned me
But many a times I've turned away from your love
And yet when I return to you
There you are willing to welcome me back to your love
When I hid in the shadows and couldn't show my face
Your love gave me new hope
You gave your life so that I may live
And here I am today standing here
Sinner, yes I am
But still you forgive
My Lord, I've sinned throughout my life
The lies that people hear just so I have a smile
In your pressence dear Lord I am not worthy of your love
What have I done, that I deserve your love?
When I feel like I'm empty
When I return to you empty
You fill me up with your love
With your strength
For with you, all things are possible
Without you, I am nothing.
Without your love dear Lord, I am nothing.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, July 15, 2008 okay. so I haven't typed anything worth reading here though no one reads this sad depressing blog. So I shall write something hopeful yet depressing. :D
A Seasonal Love by Freda!
A seasonal love that stayed forever
You surprise me now after all we’ve been through
After all the tears have come and gone
You chose to stay here with me
This dream I never thought I’d live to see fulfilled
You standing here before me
After our time together has passed
Now I see that you chose me
Out of everyone else,
You chose me
You tell me that you’re here to stay
I tell you not to make promises you can’t keep
I’ve heard it before
I’ve let my hopes get up high
But now I’m wiser
Now I’m wary
Now I know that truth is subjective
You saying I love you
May not mean anything to you
But it means the world to me
For I’ve waited an eternity
To hear those words from you
I know it may just be one of your lies
But I hope and pray
You mean it with every fiber of your being.
We've been by each other's side for so long that now I feel its time to move on, but yet here I stand rooted to the ground that doesn't let me leave. Now, after an eternity, I finally feel your heart pulling me closer as I choose to walk away. It seems like nothing I do will ever be right. When I stay, my heart breaks, when I decide to go, still my heart breaks. Love is never fifty-fifty, no one loves equally, its always seventy-thirty or sixty-forty. And for so long, I've always been the one who's loved you more, now, the tables have turned. You'd do anything to see me happy that now I don't know what to do.
Now I remember the times I used to share with someone else I held so near to my heart. The times we used to be so happy with each other. When all I needed was your touch to bring a smile to my face.
Dear God,
What am I doing with my life? Where is this path that I'm on leading me to?
I'm so confused. You're bringing me back to the place I used to love, where once my love reside.
Help me Lord for I do not understand.
Amen.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, July 14, 2008
As I'm typing this, I'm listening to Fly Away my Corrinne May. Love the song.
Okay....So life's been life. Nothing fantastic I guess. I mean...Its good and all, I've got loads of outings and such. But I still feel....Alone. I feel....bleak and empty. So I guess this is all I can muster up.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, July 07, 2008 If my family knew the situation that I'm in at school, they'd tell me, Suck it up and move on. They're just stepping stones. And I completely agree! So I won't even waste my time on being sad and affected because....I've got more important things on my mind. I've got more important people in my life too! Moive tonight. I can't wait! Moive on Saturday night too! Isn't my life awesome! Oh! Performance to watch on Friday! Dinner with cantors before that! Gosh my life rules right now!
Now I know why I start dating in June! My social life picks up to high heaven! More people to meet! Since there's no one decent in my school for me to consider. Bleah. I sound like some desperate person. But to be honest, don't think I have to look anymore. I found someone a long long long long long long time ago! Bleah. He has my heart. Now I know why I'm heartless here in Singapore. I should go to where my heart is. Maybe he'll give it back to me and I'll be full of love again!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, July 02, 2008
My love life as usual is a mess, but thats okay because it doesn't really matter for now. I guess I'm actually basking in my bestest best friend's happiness. But oh well. Nothing much can make me sad. Sure I miss talking to someone, he knows who he is, but life goes on. I still talk to him everyday, just not that much on the phone, only online. Saving money! Thats what we're both doing! Hahaz. He's saving money for a plane ticket and a hotel! HAHAZ. I'm quite zonked out, maybe thats why I'm so happy. Hahaz, Cause I couldn't care less if the whole world died and only the people I loved survived. Hahaz. But then that would be hell on Earth for them. So I shall rephrase. I couldn't care less if I died. Now doesn't that sound so much better? Hahaz. Yes, I'm bored. Hence the rambling. I was about to type something, but then I kept rambling on that I just forgot. Bleah....What was it? *thinks*
OHHHHHHH!!! Wanted was a great movie. People! Understand the graphic novel before watching the movie. Then you'll have a greater appreciation for the movie! Really! And guys, if you're going to watch just for Angelina Jolie, don't waste your money if you're not a fan of the graphic novel because the character that Angelina Jolie plays is supposed to be a black girl!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, July 02, 2008 I see her face
I know she's weary
And yet she pushes
To see things grow
She is my mother
I love her so
She walks with me
On lonely days
She holds me near
When things go wrong
She tells me things
Only mothers know
She works so hard
So we can prosper
She works so hard
For she wants us to do better
She pushes us along
Just so we'll take that leap
A leap that brings us further than a single tep
The things she does
Only mothers can do
The sacrifices she makes
Just so we can live the lives we lead
I love her so
She is my mother
I'll make her proud
Some day some how
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, June 21, 2008 His life are the lines on the page
He draws the things he feels inside
His life the stories that he weaves
He tells the tale of the life he leads
My brother he is
The one I love
His life on paper
As it'd be in his world
He dreams of things he will achieve
He dreams of things that he can reach
The smile he wears upon his face
A mask he know he cannot shed
He hides behind the playfulness
He hides so no one sees the pain inside
He smiles so he can tell the world
I'm fine, I'll live my life is here
I know my brother so much more
I know my brother loves me so
I know his dreams and his fears
I know he'll do what he must do
So here I stand
Fearless now
As I proclaim
My brother is here
He is the one
I'm proud and sure
I now proclaim
He's here to stay!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, June 21, 2008 Wisdom through words
I see her wisdom in her words
My sister
More than all I could ever ask for
She sees me for who I am
We fight, we cry
But yet we still love
She's my sister my one and only
When I think I know better,
She shows me the knowledge that she has
When life chucks me to a side
She stands there holding me tight
Guiding me through
So much that my heart feels
My brain can't turn to words
And yet as I read her words
I feel a world of emotions unfold before me
She speaks the truth
More than I can ever do
If my work is great
Her work is amazing
Her words woven with her worldly advice
The care and love that she has for people.
She is my sister
I'm proud to say.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, June 21, 2008 There are times when I wished, I'd never met someone as sweet as you. You know what to say, you know what to do, just so my broken heart would be mended. But all I want from you, all I need from you, is you and your love. Something that you are so unwilling to give. Am I not worth it? I know I am. I've been the one who has stood by you when everything was against you. And yet here I am just standing here alone waiting for you to say that you've found someone else again. I know that you will tell me that. And you know that I'll tell you that I'm happy though my heart bleeds. What else can I say?What else can I do? You know what you're doing to me and yet you still do it. I've always loved you. I'll always love you. But I'll let you go if I have to. Even if it kills me inside and out. I know the tears will fall, I know I won't be okay. But for you, I'll smile and say that things are alright. You won't see the difference. You don't know the difference. I know that it will happen. Its not that I don't have faith in you. You know I do. I just know that you don't love me the way I love you. And it doesn't matter. The past few years have shown me that you can love someone, but it doesn't mean that they will love you the same way. And even it they don't, the doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have. Though thats not true for some of the things I've gone through, I feel that its true for you and me. You don't want to hurt me, but you know it will happen.
Take care
I love you!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, June 16, 2008
We live our lives in cycles
A cycle has just been completed
A new one begins
Soon' you'll find someone to love
She won't be me,
I can feel it in my bones
I know I'll be the one left to cry
Just like all the times before
I'll lie here and cry
Until someone else finds me and picks me up
We'll go our seperate ways,
You and I
Though still thinking of each other
Until we reconcile, yet again
I'll fall in love with you
Thats where the cycle ends
Then it begins again
The cycle has no end.
You and me, we're meant to be. I say that I love you. I show you that I do. You know its true, you feel it too. But the words don't come that easy for you. You don't want to see me in tears. Yet you choose not to see the tears that grace my face everytime you go off with someone new. My words are encouraging, but yet my heart is broken and yearning. I tell you to go, when I want you to stay. I remain silent because I know that if I open my mouth to speak again, I'll plea for you to stay. You know I won't ask for the impossible. You know thats why I've remained silent. I love you too much to make you stay here with me. If life leads you elsewhere, follow your heart and it'll lead you home to where you'll feel loved. If thats not in my arms, then I hope she treats you right. You know me better than most, you know I follow my heart maybe more than I should. But you also know that I'll always be here to welcome you into my arms like I've done so many times before. I told you once, I'll tell you again. I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, I'll love you forever, even after my dying breath. I'd say goodbye, but I know its not the end, this is just a break for something much stronger and heart wrenching.
A cycle has just been completed
A new one begins
Soon' you'll find someone to love
She won't be me,
I can feel it in my bones
I know I'll be the one left to cry
Just like all the times before
I'll lie here and cry
Until someone else finds me and picks me up
We'll go our seperate ways,
You and I
Though still thinking of each other
Until we reconcile, yet again
I'll fall in love with you
Thats where the cycle ends
Then it begins again
The cycle has no end.
You and me, we're meant to be. I say that I love you. I show you that I do. You know its true, you feel it too. But the words don't come that easy for you. You don't want to see me in tears. Yet you choose not to see the tears that grace my face everytime you go off with someone new. My words are encouraging, but yet my heart is broken and yearning. I tell you to go, when I want you to stay. I remain silent because I know that if I open my mouth to speak again, I'll plea for you to stay. You know I won't ask for the impossible. You know thats why I've remained silent. I love you too much to make you stay here with me. If life leads you elsewhere, follow your heart and it'll lead you home to where you'll feel loved. If thats not in my arms, then I hope she treats you right. You know me better than most, you know I follow my heart maybe more than I should. But you also know that I'll always be here to welcome you into my arms like I've done so many times before. I told you once, I'll tell you again. I love you today, I'll love you tomorrow, I'll love you forever, even after my dying breath. I'd say goodbye, but I know its not the end, this is just a break for something much stronger and heart wrenching.
So look away now as my heart breaks. I know that if you see it, you'll feel it to and you won't live your life. So go and be happy. I'll always be here for you my love.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, June 14, 2008 Have I told you readers (however few there may be) that I've got the bestest best friend in the entire universe?
My bestest best freind: Claudia
My bestest friend: Jolin
My best friend: Gabriel
My other wing: Camille
Yea. my truest of true friends. Others I've seen come and go. But these 4 have been by my side for quite some time. Claudia having the longest time with me, followed by Jolin, Camille and then Gabriel. But they're the people I run to when I'm confused, sad, angry or any other time. Even when I've got amazing news. They're the people I run to. They're just like family. I can talk to them about anything and everything under the moon,stars, suns, planets, galaxies, universes etc.
Okay, well. This post has been inspired by my bestest best friend Claudia! You see, I spent Friday and Saturday night with her for different reasons. Friday was just some random meeting to catch up, Saturday was for Brandon's early birthday celebration. So I was pestering her to blog about it. And since she did, its my turn. And unlike my bestest best friend's post, I'm not going into details of the nonsensical things we talked about.
I guess what I REALLLLLY want to say, is that I love my truest of true friends. They help pick me up when I've stumbled and fallen in life. They're there to put a smile on my face when life throws me to a side after I've been battered and bruised. They've never left me hanging. When I called, they were there to help. They are the people I really see God working through them to help others. I see God in them everytime they help me. And I really love them for it.
Just like my family, they're always there. No matter what.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, June 09, 2008 Gone Too Soon by Michael Jackson
Like A Comet
Blazing 'Cross The Evening Sky
Gone Too Soon
Like A Rainbow
Fading In The Twinkling Of An Eye
Gone Too Soon
Shiny And Sparkly
And Splendidly Bright
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like The Loss Of Sunlight
On A Cloudy Afternoon
Gone Too Soon
Like A Castle
Built Upon A Sandy Beach
Gone Too Soon
Like A Perfect Flower
That Is Just Beyond Your Reach
Gone Too Soon
Born To Amuse, To Inspire, To Delight
Here One Day
Gone One Night
Like A Sunset
Dying With The Rising Of The Moon
Gone Too Soon
Gone Too Soon
P.S. I miss you!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, June 06, 2008 So I realised that my closed chapter in my life like early this year isn't really close. I still have loads of anger and resentment towards the whole event. Some of you may not know what or who I'm talking about right now. But that doesn't matter. You shouldn't have to know. I guess loads of things have been prompting me to think on like overdrive. I can't help but feel that I'm being lied to by someone because well, a picture paints a thousand words right? So yea. I am not coherrent so excuse the randomness of this post. Its basically loads of ranting and raving so if you're not in the mood to hear or rather read someone complain, then for your safety and sanity I implore you to leave before you go mad the way I already have.
Yes people, I think that Freda has finally lost her mind. That currently she's crazy and brainless and stupid and gullible and oh well...the list actually continues. I just have to get all this out before I start working when my dad(a.k.a the Boss) gets in. I just feel so out of it and even outcasted in school. I guess its cause I'm out of the loop most of the time. I know don't whats going on in the group and I feel rather ostricised. But maybe I'm to blame. Afterall, I'm the one who's been keeping myself out. But thats only cause I felt like a strong sense of hatered coming from the group and I felt that I'd put up with enough of such things in my everyday life during my 16 +years of living. I didn't want to go through that even in school. It kinda just seemed real sucky to me. But yea. Maybe that explains my being MIA from the group. I don't know if its a blessing in disguse to you guys, but if it as, just tell me and I'll stay away. Believe me, I can do that if it means that you guys will be happier. I don't think I'd wanna upset a whole group of people, it wouldn't be right.
Yes people, I've got a huge guilty conscious. Its really sucky when I want to do somehting terrible and horrible because then I know that I'm not being the real me. Yea I'm bitchy from time to time, but what girl isn't. I think that I do pick up on loads of things real quickly thats why I sensed some tension everytime I was around and therefore took myself out of the whole equation. And if its better that way, like I said, I'll stay out. It hurts but if its for the better of more people, that I shall do it.
Don't you guys just love my self-sacificing ways? Hahaz..I do too! Joking. But yea. I like knowing that I'm no longer thinking about myself, but of more people. Its a comfort. It tells me that I'm becoming a better human being, a better person. Sure I like a good party and I drink from time to time, but its all done socially, its not like I'm some alcoholic. Hahaz. Yes, I do like meeting new people. But then again when I meet new people, I'm all smiles and thats really not me. I'm usually...not the most...smile-iest of people? Hahaz. Yea if you see my sitting by myself like some loser loner, I think you've met the real me. If I'm real engrossed in a book, it kinda means that I need an escape and that something somewhere is really really wrong. I think that kinda explains the 8 books read last month.Yea. I felt something wrong from the week after the BBQ we had at my place the other time. Money isn't important, thats why I didn't ask for it back. I like the company. Thats why I still said okay to the idea even though it was only a few of us.
Anyways, take care people.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, June 03, 2008 I think being anti-social is like the best thing in the whole entire world. People don't get that currently, I am serious about my work. I don't like getting B's and C's. I like doing well. And if they'ev ever been where I've been in life, they'd understand why that is so. I choose to be alone. And if at the end of the day no one likes me in school, so be it. I've still got my family, and my best friends. I am different, I know. Maybe not in a good way to some of the people in school, I may appear arrogant, too full of myself, snobbish, obnoxious and well, the list just continues. But honestly, I don't really care. Everything I do in school, is just a mask I wear. They haven't seen what I've been through. And I'm not talking about love life and such. Sure, you guys have had tough family situations from time to time, I have to. It doesn't mean that because I live in East Coast and live in a Condo that I have no problems. If anything, I believe that although we don't worry much about the material stuff, its still a struggle in other ways.
I don't consider people my friends very easily because I know that we are all capable of backstabbing, and to some people, it just comes way too easily. I can care for so many people, but at the end of the day, who are the ones who will really be there for me? I know that in Poly, I won't make that many life time friends. In fact, I haven't made any lifetime friends who are in the same school as me. Friends like Claudia, Jolin, Camille and Gabriel are the ones who I know will always be there for me. Sure they won't drop everything that they're doing and come for me when times get rough, but I know that they will help. I know that they are the one's who will be there with my family when times get rough. I don't need that many friends because I've got such a close family. Thats why I love being with them, I love being with my friends and being able to talk to them and my family about anything and everything. Thats what makes my life such a joy, what makes my life so fun and exciting and enjoyable. My life, is not an open book, I'm not an open book. To the people who know me well, they'll be able to tell when I'm sad, angry or anything, even when I've got my most convincing smile on and everyone else believes that my life is just a bed of roses.
I know I sound like a spoilt brat. I know I like having things my way. But I am still learning. Learning to compromise with the people in my life. The people who don't know that I'd rather suffer than to make them sad or upset. I'd rather I suffer than to have so many others suffer. Loads of people don't understand that. I am the way I am because of the experiences I've gained thoughout my short 16 + years of living on this earth. Nothing has come easy. I know so much because I've gained that much. I'm not smart, I don't act smart, I talk about the things I know. About the things I want to know. But I'll never take it as absolute truth that I know everything, because I know that there are things that I still don't know. Things that in time, I will know.
To the people in school who may be talking about me behind my back, just come right out and say it. I don't really care. Its too tiring to care about people who don't have the guts to just come right out and say what they want to say. I'm way too tired to play this silly little game. And I think that we should all just be brutally honest with each other. I don't really care 'cause I've been stepped on so much in my life, that I know I'll be able to pick myself up again and just move on. It'll make no difference in my life.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, May 24, 2008 So I think that my life is boring as hell. Considering that I've completed almost 7 books this month alone. Doesn't that just show you how sad my life is? Yea. Fave books so far out of the 7 would be Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, The Abortionist Daughter by...someone, Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment by James Patterson. Hahaz.
School's been getting boring, same thing, same faces everyday. I think I'm someone who is very difficult to please. There's always something I'm complaining about. But thank GOD for people like Claudia Tay! My best friend for 13 years and counting. (Gosh, I feel old) She doesn't mind my complaining. I think the best thing that a best friend can hear from their best friend, is the complaining. Though it gets irritating, at the end of the day, you'll be glad that you were the one that they told. You'll be happy that they view you as someone who can help them. And I love that feeling.
Babe, don't give up hope alright?! You know what I'm talking about. At least I hope you do! Hahaz :P
I realised, that somehow, the phrases that really strike me when I'm reading a book, is often about life. But sadly, now I can't remember anything. Think my brain is spacing on me. Hahaz. But, love is not the feeling you get when you're with someone you are in love with, ts the feeling of being able to let them go so that they can be happy. Its about making other people happy even though you have to suffer. Its about being selfless. That is true love. True love, is unconditional. Its just like when I loved, and the one I loved was in love with someone else, but I loved him enough to let him go and be happy with her even though it killed me deep down inside. but, that was a very very long time ago.
People always say, "You're too young to know what Love is," or," Young people nowadays don't know the true meaning of love. All they know its the laughter." But I would beg to differ. I know what love is. To me at least. I've loved, maybe I've never been loved by people other than my family, but I've loved. I've loved someone so much that it didn't matter what happened, as long as they were happy. I'd go to the ends of the earth to bring them anything and everything that would satisfy their hearts desire. I'd give them anything that they love, even if it wasn't me. I know that love is filled with pain. Its like the two are one. But yet, the sometimes belong on the opposite end of the spectrum. It may kill you to see the one you love, happy loving someone else. But thats what you do. You endure the pain because you love.
I don't know if I'm making any sense right now. I've just been so affected. Goodness knows why. Actually, I think loads of my close friends would know why.
ANYWAYS! Thanks Claudia! Its been a long long while since we hung out and just talked like we did at Starbucks. Jolin should have been there!! JOLIN OH!! Please reply our msg-es! If there are any problems, please call us! Same thing goes for you too Claud! We'll see how far we can take this friendship alright? Though I think it'll last till the end of time!! See....so quickly, 13 years have flown past our eyes!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, May 23, 2008
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where's home. But I pray that God gives me strength to live and go through each passing day and that my life is following the path in which He has already placed before me. Lord, I need you now more than ever. Be my comfort, my rock and my strength.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, May 11, 2008 So many goodbyes have been said. And all I hear is my heart breaking. I don't understand why. But I know I feel my heart breaking. I've held the tears and pain in for so long, that I no longer can contain it. It's starting to pour out of me like a waterfall that has a never ending source. That kinda describes the tears to. Everyone who just met me sees me as this happy go lucky girl who gets everything she wants. That the price doesn't matter. Sure, I get loads of material things from my parents. But I've lost so many, cried so much, and felt so much pain that even the most expensive gift cannot take away. The cross is mine to bear, I know. But never in a million years would I have thought that it would be so heavy. I never thought that I wouldn't have the strength to carry it on my own.
People see me and think that I've got an easy life. That I get anything and everything I want. And that I've gone through nothing to upset my life. They don't know the kinda things I've seen with my own two eyes. They don't understand that I am the person I am because of the trials I've gone through. Sure, to some adults, they're just very light and trivial things to be put through, but most adults fail to see that I went through the things I've gone through at a very early age. They see me and ask me why I'm so worried, so troubled. They say I shouldn't worry about such things at this young age. But they don't know that I have already seen what can happen if I don't do certain things in my life, if I don't plan for where I'll be in the future.
Currently, I don't know where I'm going to be. I don't know what career I want to have. I don't want to end up like someone who doesn't enjoy their life. I know that I can be happy and contented in whatever I choose to do, but I don't want to just lead a normal life. I guess I crave attention at times, but its not like I have nothing else to do in my life. I do loads with my life. It just happens that besides school and my family, music is all I've got. And I share that with my friends. I love singing. I get loads of attention singing, sometimes, unwanted attention. But its not like I lack the attention. I love people and some people love me or they hate me. And it doesn't really make that much of a difference to me. For every one person who hates me, someone else will love me.
So far this year hasn't really been my year. First Lucky had to be put down. And then Camille's granddad passed away so I started feeling sad because my wing felt sad. And now, Kells and Trist and Kaits are going away. They're moving to Manchester with Emma and my Godpa.
I pray that things work out for them there. Sure I'll miss them even though I don't really spend much time with them and I don't get to see them that often, its always a comfort knowing that their near. But now they'll be far away, I'll miss Kells and Trist and even Kaitlin. She's the youngest of the lot. But I'll still miss her even though she was like deathly afraid of me when she was younger. She's a cute little girl. I grew up with Kells and helped bring Trist up when he was a baby. And I'll miss my Godpa too. I never really got to see him that much as I started secondary school. I remember him bringing me out for my 12th birthday. I never got the chance to be truly truly close to him and thats just sad. But I'm sure that they'll have a great life there. I know Kells will complain at first, but she'll get used to it and in time be happy and contented. I'm sure Trist will have a blast and so will Kaits. I wish them all the best and all the happiness in the world. Never thought I'd miss them this much even before they leave.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, May 11, 2008 I tucked the memories away
Far away in the back of a secret drawer
I locked it away
So no one can touch them
So I don't have to look at them
So I don't feel the pain
I thought that all these measures taken would help
I thought that the pain would subside
But then one day I felt it all crash down upon me
I felt the air in my lungs being pushed out
I felt my soul leave my body
They say that no one has ever died of a broken heart
But what if they had a broken spirit too
I'm falling apart
Nothing's holding me together.
I miss you so
I miss your words
I miss your face
I want you here
I need you here
You hold me together when things go wrong
You keep me safe and warm through this cold cold path that I'm on
I need you here by my side
I need to know that you still care
I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the sweet words you'd whisper into my ear.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, May 09, 2008
My school life's been kinda alright. Better than what I had expected it to be. Met a great bunch of people. They make the school day interesting and help me deal with the stress of the task at hand in school. At first I thought that I'd just die because school was so far away and I'd be too grouchy everyday to even bother with merry making, but suprise suprise, I haven't been that grouchy in school. Sure I get tired and irritable, but not to the extent that I used to. I'll upload pictures some other time.
To be terribly honest, I haven't been feeling that good. Life's been one mishap after the next. Lucky is gone. My dog is gone. And I still feel the pain. Its been a few weeks since he died. And I miss him so much. I told myself that I had to pull myself together, that school isn't the place for me to cry and deal with it all. But I feel myself falling apart.I know I've got a great bunch of friends in school. I know that they care. But I don't know if they can deal with this side of me. The person I appear to be with them, and the person I truly am, they're two completely different people. I feel myself taking so many steps back to who I used to be. I can feel that smile plastered on my face, that same smile that I stuck there when my world was in a mess. I've been holding in the tears for so long, I'm falling apart. Who will help put me back together this time? I need to leave behind someone so dear to me, someone who's always been there to put me back together again. I can't hold on to this dream in my mind that I know may never come true. If it really never happens, I don't know what will happen to my heart if I stay here and wait for it. I don't want to have to mend my heart once again. I've done it so many times.
Lucky, I miss you. I love you. Rest In Peace. I'm sorry.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, May 07, 2008 My blue eyed wonder boy
That is who you've always been
My one and only wonder boy
None compares to what you do
You see into my very soul
You see my darkest secrets within
My blue eyed wonder boy
That's who are to me
A wonder boy in every way
You pick me up when I'm feeling down
You walk by me when I stand alone
You're always there to light my path
You hole me tight when things go wrong
You hold me near to shield my weary heart
No one can do what you do for me
You're my blue eyed wonder boy
My one and only.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, April 16, 2008 I know of only a few things in life
You
Me
Our love
And love itself
None complete without the other
But yet so complete it hurts
Seeking its solace in another
My solace is gone
You were my solace
You were my comfort
You were my help
You are my love
You left me standing here
All alone once again
I watch your back
As you walk away once again
I scream and shout
And beg you to stay
But you turn a deaf ear
To my pleas and cries
You turned around
You saw my face
You saw the tears I wept
And still you walked away
I gathered myself
I told myself
A strong front you must put on
I wiped my tears away
And walked away from the memories.
The poem written above is evidence of what happens to a mind like mine once school gets boring. I wrote that last year after a fight I had with someone. I really love the poem. Its something that has loads of truth to it. I did walk away from all the memories, it was the only way for me to move on with my life. I know I always say that cherishing the memories will make whatever happened seem less of a mistake. I guess thats just one of my many advice to people that I myself can't swallow. It just wasn't possible for me in that situation. If it were anything different, I would have really cherished every single moment. But I just couldn't. Not for something that meant nothing to the other person.
I watched the sunset
Never to rise again in my life
I fell into the darkness that night brought
I lost the only one I loved
To the setting of the sun
The demise of my love
The demise of your love
The demise of our love
The love that kept me warm
I loved the way our hearts beat as one
How I wish the beats of my heart would just stop
There's no life without you here
I've lost all my meaning
The day your heart stopped beating in time with mine
There's no love with you gone
There's no life without you by my side
There's no world left for me to belong to
No one can ever take your place
Today I sit here and let the darkness engulf me
It swallows me whole
It fills my very soul
Pushing the light right out of my life
I wonder why the sun has left me
Why my world is now so dark
I am no creature of the dark
I am a creature of the light
Now I fear the world I live in
Now I know my light is gone
Now I see the light in my life
Is you.
I wrote the poem above in my art room one day. While I was in school painting my 'O' Level coursework with my teacher and a few friends. I was watching the sun set and that was when inspiration struck. It was kinda odd because I had no problems then. Things were all smiles with me and someone else. But I was right. We were two very different people. He, the creature of the dark and I was a creature of the light. So contrasting but yet unable to exsit without the other. But he did leave me in the end. I was bitter about it at first, but it was for the best. I moved on and became a stronger person.
If it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have realised that all my life there was only one person who loved me all this while and whom I loved. He was always there to mend my broken heart. He knows who he is though he doesn't read this page. He's the one I can see a lifetime of love with. I'll always love him with all my heart. There's no doubt about it. I'm not one who toys with peoples hearts.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, March 20, 2008 Down the Via Dolorosa in Jerusalem that day
The soilders tried to clear the narrow street
But the crowd pressed in to see
The man condemned to die on Calvary
He was bleeding from a beating, there were stripes upon his back
And he wore a crown of thorns upon his head
And he bore with every step
The scorn of those who cried out for his death
Down the Via Dolorosa, called "The Way Of Suffering"
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ The King
But he chose to walk that road out of
His love for you, and me
Down the Via Dolorosa all the way to Calvary
Por la Via Dolorosa, triste dia en Jerusalem
Los soldados le abrian paso a Jesus
Mas la gente se acercaba
Para ver al que llevaba aquella cruz
Por la Via Dolorosa, que es la via del dolor
Como oveja vino Cristo,Rey y Senor
Y fue El quien quiso ir por su amor por ti y por mi
Por la Via Dolorosa al Calvario y a morir
The blood that would cleanse the souls of all men
Made its way through the heart of Jerusalem
Down the Via Dolorosa called "The Way Of Suffering"
Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ The Kind
But he chose to walk that road out of
His love for you and me
Down the Via Dolorosa, all the way to Calvary.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, March 16, 2008 Do you know of a feeling that overwhelms your entire being everytime you talk to that one guy? Apparently, I've known that same feeling for the past 4 years. And its always the same guy. Besides the male in my family and God himself, he's the only guy who has always been there. Its kinda weird really. We spent our whole lives flirting around each other. But never got into anything worth committing ourselves to. Maybe its got to do with the fact that he's in another country.
Even so, that one guy, with one word can change the way I feel about loads of things. He has this hold over me thats so strong, that I can't break free from. Call it what you want. Most call it love. I call it stupidity. But yet when I'm going through hell - sometimes caused by him - he's the one who cheers me up and makes me feel better. Maybe he's just some huge sweet talker. Able to charm his way into every girl's good books. This guy is the other one who can play me hot and cold. And I HATE that feeling. Like I've got no control over it.
It really makes me wonder why I still let him do it to me. It makes me wonder what it is that I'm missing. I've been down that road before. The road of love that just didn't work for me and him. I got my heart ripped to shreds. And he helped me put it all back together again. And I forgave him. I know a love him, but as what? A friend? Or more than that? Don't get my wrong, I'm over the moon with the fact that I've been single for so long. But I really wonder, what it'll be like to be in a lasting relationship. It doesn't mean that I'm gonna marry the guy I make my boyfriend, but would it be different from me casually dating all the other guys I've dated? This guy whom I seem so drawn to, could be the one person I decide should be worthy of even being considered my boyfriend, but I know that he'll cheat on me, I know we'll fight a lot. But somehow, I'm willing to go through all that just to know that I've at least tried. So I won't have to wonder what if. So I've got the perfect song actually!
Teardrops On My Guitar by Taylor Swift
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing, everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Drew walks by me, can't he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She's better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the lights
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough for me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, March 11, 2008 So, I think I haven't blogged in a long while. I can't really remember. Life's been life. I should stop wallowing in sadness and misery. There's so much more to life than having a boyfriend or something like that. There's much more to love than having a boyfriend.
I keep thinking that people don't understand whats going through my mind and the way I feel about things. And then someone like Claudia, Jolin, Camille, Gabriel and Andrew comes along. And they completely understand. Sometimes even my family understands. Such things leave me to question how much I really know. And I as insightful as I think I am? Or am I what people really say I am? Just another rich kid who is seeking the attention? Am I what my parents say I am? Only book smart and thats as far as it goes? So much doubt fills my mind. I love studying. I love learning new things. But around my family, no matter how much I achieve, I still feel inadequate. Its like I'm not as smart or not as bright or not as talented as they are.
My family is filled with such talent. Being the youngest on my mum's side is not a walk in the park. There's so much to live up to. There's always this chance that I'll disappoint. That I won't make the cut. It seems like everything I do compared to my siblings and cousins,is just mediocore. Its like I'm a jack of all trades and master of none. And I see my cousins and siblings, and they know what they want in life. They know how to continue from where they are. It seems like I'm left behind. Like I'm falling behind because I can't keep up. I don't know what I want. I know what I'm good at. But is it really what I want my future to be? I'm 16 years old and I don't know what I want to do. There's so much I'm passionate about. And people always say that its a good thing. But its made me indecisive.
My friends tell me to follow my heart when it comes to my future. But my heart is telling me one thing, my mind another and my family another thing completely.
But I guess its all just part and parcel of life in general. We all go through phases. Sometimes its a phase which makes us stronger and sometimes its just something that will make us happy and realises that there's more to life than meets the eye. Maybe this is a new journey for me. Maybe I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
For now, I'll leave you guys with a song about life basically.
Kate Voegele - Its Only Life
Tears are formin' in your eyes
A storm is warnin' in the sky
The end of the world, it seems
You bend down and fall on your knees
Well, get back on your feet, yeah
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
You were always playin' hard
You never could let down your guard, no
Oh, but you can't win if you never give in
In to that voice within, its sayin' pick up your chin
Baby let go of it, yeah
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Take your hesitance and your self-defense
Leave them behind, its only life
Don't be so afraid of facin' every day
Just take your time, its only life
I'll be your steppin' stone, don't be so alone
Just hold on tight, its only life
Oh yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah, oh
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Its only life, oh yeah
Its only life
Don't look away
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, February 25, 2008
So I haven't really been updating this blog. Its not that I don't have the time. Its just that my life is ridiculously boring. Excuse my spelling. Its never been a strong point of mine. Firstly, let me say, Happy Chinese New Year!
I went to Perth recently for like a break from the life I lead here in Singapore. But it ended up being no different. I was still as stressed as ever. It made no difference. I think because at times it was so dead there, I ended up thinking a lot. And I guess I've truly realised that I'm not the person I used to be. Like nowadays I couldn't care less about what happened to others, unlike the way it was before when everything would just affect me. But I guess for me its because I'm just so tired of caring.
My expericence with Danny last year really took everything out of me. Ever ounce of care and concern. It really drained me. So much so that even now I just feel so tired. Its been 4 months already and I'm just so tired. It even sucked out what little happiness I had within me. And things kept getting worse for me. The one guy I first loved even before I met all the other guys I dated, is the one guy that I am willing to wait for. And he's the one guy who treats me like a doormat. He walks in and out of my life as and when he feels like it. And yet I still love him. Don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy to be single. But because most of my friends are older than me, I tend to think about what will happen if I do decide to get married (for the time being I'm swearing off the idea of being married. I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED! ) I keep wondering what might happen. I don't want to be married to any of the guys I currently know.
Recently someone new who heard about this whole thing about me and my first love told me that he might be the one I marry. But I don't want to be married to him. We're great for each other, but I don't want to lead a life with him as my husband. I don't think I'd be strong enough. I won't be able to handle him and all his vices. I want to help him, but I can't. He doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't have the will power to do so.
But for now, I'm happy having nothing too serious. I'm sorry if I haven't been much help to those around me with problems, I just no longer know how to help. Maybe one day I will learn how to again. But for now, my tongue has been cut out and no words come to mind for help.
Kindly Unspoken by Kate Voegele
As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name
And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today
But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever
Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
Did what Simon Says to do
But I won't let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I'm on my way somewhere new
And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever
Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
So don't keep me up till the dawn
With words that'll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever'Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name
And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today
But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever
Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
Did what Simon Says to do
But I won't let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I'm on my way somewhere new
And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever
Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
So don't keep me up till the dawn
With words that'll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever'Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, February 10, 2008
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a girl who once knew what she wanted to be. A girl who once knew who she was. A girl who was not afriad to follow her dreams. All I see of the present me, is a girl who only knows how to hurt others. A girl who follows others instead of being herself. Her true self. Its like she just left herself behind and decided to be someone else. To be a follower rather than the leader she used to be. Its like she's listening to what others used to say about her. She listening to them tell her that she's just another follower. That she's not the leader she thinks she is. She's listening to them tell her that she'll never be able to achieve her dreams. That they're not worth working towards to since she'll never get there.
How did I become this mess of a person? I used to know what I wanted to do in life. I used to work because I wanted to, not because I had to. I used to be my own person. I used to never lay a hand on my sister. I used to be a lot of things. And now I'm just none of them.
I can't be the person that I am now. I can't. I'd rather die. I spent today wishing that someone would kill me. But whats so bad about my life? I have a life most would wish for. So whats wrong? I have a family anyone would want. I lead a life whereby I don't have to work for what I want.
Its just not the person I want to become. I want to be someone who works for what she has. Who can proudly say that.'This is the fruit of my labour.' I want to be proud of my achievements. I want someone to be proud of what I've achieved in life. To be proud of me. Someone to be happy with what I've done and not expect something more. But I know for that to be possible, I have to accept me for who I am. I have to be happy with what I've done and not expect something more. I've got to start living my life for me and not for anyone else.
I'm sorry Faith. I didn't mean to. Its not right. I spent most of my life trying not to hit you. I just lost it today. I know its no excuse. Its my fault. And even if you find some way to forgive me, I'll never forgive myself. Simply because I told myself I'd never do it. But I did.
I'm sorry.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, January 28, 2008
I saw the look on her face
A look I knew so well
Why did she have to go through this
She's beautiful to me, my baby sister
I’ll protect her from harm
And save her the tears
I’ll give up all I have to go through life for her
I’ll pick her up and dust her knee when she falls
I know the feeling of hurt
So painful, unbearable
All she wants to do is disappear
She talked to me and ask me
What should she do
I told her to fight for what she wants
I’ll support you no matter what
You're beautiful, Intelligent
You’re my heroin
Since the time you were a baby
I knew you’d do great thing
A mind like yours
So focus on what you want
And let me tell you my baby
No matter how many guys come and go
I make this promise to you
I’ll never leave your side
You never have to walk alone
I’ll be holding your hands
Kissing your forehead
Hugging you tightly
And prepare you for another round
So don't ever worry.
A look I knew so well
Why did she have to go through this
She's beautiful to me, my baby sister
I’ll protect her from harm
And save her the tears
I’ll give up all I have to go through life for her
I’ll pick her up and dust her knee when she falls
I know the feeling of hurt
So painful, unbearable
All she wants to do is disappear
She talked to me and ask me
What should she do
I told her to fight for what she wants
I’ll support you no matter what
You're beautiful, Intelligent
You’re my heroin
Since the time you were a baby
I knew you’d do great thing
A mind like yours
So focus on what you want
And let me tell you my baby
No matter how many guys come and go
I make this promise to you
I’ll never leave your side
You never have to walk alone
I’ll be holding your hands
Kissing your forehead
Hugging you tightly
And prepare you for another round
So don't ever worry.
My older sister wrote that for me when I was going through hell last year. And I'm forever greatful to her for the little things she does. Sure we bicker a lot at times and we argue. But she's my sister and I love her to bits! No one love can feel like the love of a sister. None can phantom the kind of things my sister would do for me to protect me from everything that harms me. There is no life without my sister. When all I wanted to do was disapper, she held me close and told me that everything would be alright. And I believed her. I knew that she understood. I know that no matter what happens in life, she'll be right there beside me. She'll share in my joys and my sorrows. In reply to her poem written for me, I wrote something for her. I'm not too sure if she's read it before since its been kept in this laptop that we share for like the longest of times.
You’ve always been there
To catch me when I fall
You’ve always been there
To shower me with love and care
You’ve always been there
To tell me that things will be okay
No guy, no one
Can ever replace the love
Of a mother, father or sibling
You are my sister
My one and only
I am no different from who you are
I still am human
The flaws I see within me
The world has yet to see
But yet I know that no matter what,
You my sister will always accept me
The world may hate me for who I am
But you will always love me
You will stand by me
When the whole world is against me
Where else can I find such love
Except in the embrace of my sister
This gift from God
That only I have
This beautiful person who stands before me
This wonderful person who loves me unconditionally
You are my sister
There’s no denying it
And when troubles come my way
You are there to defend me
You try to shelter me from everything that can hurt me
But yet you know
That I too must learn to fall
And though it pains you
You are eager and waiting to pick me up
To get me started on the right track
I don’t say this very much
But you are my one and only
You are the only sister in my life
You are the one I’ll always love
Nothing can change that
Not even the cutest or smartest of guys
To catch me when I fall
You’ve always been there
To shower me with love and care
You’ve always been there
To tell me that things will be okay
No guy, no one
Can ever replace the love
Of a mother, father or sibling
You are my sister
My one and only
I am no different from who you are
I still am human
The flaws I see within me
The world has yet to see
But yet I know that no matter what,
You my sister will always accept me
The world may hate me for who I am
But you will always love me
You will stand by me
When the whole world is against me
Where else can I find such love
Except in the embrace of my sister
This gift from God
That only I have
This beautiful person who stands before me
This wonderful person who loves me unconditionally
You are my sister
There’s no denying it
And when troubles come my way
You are there to defend me
You try to shelter me from everything that can hurt me
But yet you know
That I too must learn to fall
And though it pains you
You are eager and waiting to pick me up
To get me started on the right track
I don’t say this very much
But you are my one and only
You are the only sister in my life
You are the one I’ll always love
Nothing can change that
Not even the cutest or smartest of guys
I love my sister. I understand how you feel babe. We've all been there. But part of life, is learning from an experience and moving on. It doesn't make that part of our life any less real. In fact, it makes it more real. It makes the experience mean so much more than just a mistake or something that went wrong. It becomes part of our lives. The pain and anguish will pass. The memory will not fade. But you will see, that its not as bad as it seems. In time, things will be alright. I'll always be here to catch you when you fall. I'll always be here to wipe away your tears.
I love you Faith!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, January 22, 2008 Today I realised, that I look good! Okay, I'm just being a little retarded here. And thats a first alright?! I usually don't act retarded online especially when everyone can read this. But today shall be an exception, for today, I realised that I look good despite having a relapse of the FLU! Thanks to the practice for the wedding, I lost my voice the following day(a.k.a Wednesday) and couldn't sing. Today or rather yesterday (Thursday) the flu decided to launch its second attack on my immune system. My immune system seems to be loosing the battle for now since I've got a runny nose. *sniff sniff*. But I wanted to get out of the house. Therefore, I clung to my sister like a baby afraid to leave their mum. (Come to think of it, as a baby I cried a huge deal when someone else besides my Mummy carried me!) So we went out and I just got worse because I didn't really drink much water.
I took pictures and I didn't look like I was dying even though I felt like I would collapse at any moment in time! So in the evening I went for Cantor practice as usual. And I COULD SING! Praise the Lord! So I sang and sang and now my throat hurts! I hope and pray and have FAITH in God that I will be able to sing for the wedding THIS SATURDAY! I've got a mini SOLO! (See, doesn't this post seem a lil retarded and so not me?) So now, my nose is running like a tap that doesn't seem to be able to stop! But! As I looked into the mirror as I brushed my teeth, I realised, that I look GREAT for someone who's sick!
I'll post pictures soon! But I've got to go, I've got an early morning ahead of me. About 5 hours to sleep before my busy day begins again! Hahaz
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, January 17, 2008
I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I know I should let go. I should move on from you. You've found a girl you truely love. A girl you're willing to wait for.
Its been said that your true love is often right under your nose. I know that there are different kinds of love. And that love is unconditional.
I loved you when you were with someone else.
I loved you when you got your heart broken.
I loved you when you thought no one could.
I loved you when you were in trouble with the law.
I loved you when I felt something for someone else.
I loved you when my heart was torn into pieces.
I loved you when you helped me mend my broken heart.
I loved you whe you watched me cry out of confusion.
I loved you when you saw me sleep in front of my laptop.
I loved you when you tried to cheer my sister up.
I loved you when you told me you were seeing someone else.
I loved you when I told you what I was happy for you.
even though deep down inside, I could hear my heart shatter,
even though I felt the first teardrop fall.
I still love you now as you wait for the girl you love to go all the way with you.
I still love you now as you tell me how happy you are with her,
and as I bid you good luck.
I still love you now as I wish upon both of you happiness and that things go well.
Its been said that your true love is often right under your nose. I know that there are different kinds of love. And that love is unconditional.
I loved you when you were with someone else.
I loved you when you got your heart broken.
I loved you when you thought no one could.
I loved you when you were in trouble with the law.
I loved you when I felt something for someone else.
I loved you when my heart was torn into pieces.
I loved you when you helped me mend my broken heart.
I loved you whe you watched me cry out of confusion.
I loved you when you saw me sleep in front of my laptop.
I loved you when you tried to cheer my sister up.
I loved you when you told me you were seeing someone else.
I loved you when I told you what I was happy for you.
even though deep down inside, I could hear my heart shatter,
even though I felt the first teardrop fall.
I still love you now as you wait for the girl you love to go all the way with you.
I still love you now as you tell me how happy you are with her,
and as I bid you good luck.
I still love you now as I wish upon both of you happiness and that things go well.
I love you with all my heart, my love for you has not changed in the past year. But yet I love you too much to hold you back. I love you with every fibre of my being. Those three words no longer does justice to what I feel for you. I feel so much more than love for you. I fell in love with you without even wanting to. I am but a doormat in your life. I'm always there. I let you step all over me. And yet I stay. I do not move. I am your welcoming mat.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, January 13, 2008
The see the smile fade away.
They know I'm not the girl they used to know.
They see the sadness in my eyes.
They see the tears that streaked my face.
I look at the image of my past self.
I see a girl once so full of ambition.
I stare at a person that seems so familiar.
Eyes so dull with defeat.
No hope left within.
I stare so hard until I finally see,
A girl once filled with dreams of her own,
Left so defeated by the trials that made their way through her.
I see her cry,
I watch her break down.
They know that life has dealt her an unfair hand.
I stare at her until I see,
The reflection of a girl I knew,
Of a girl I know.
The reflection of me.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, January 10, 2008
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, January 08, 2008
What you see above is something that a very good friend of mine made for me when I was feeling down earlier this year.
This year is coming to an end and since I'm going to be very busy with the Christmas Concert in my church and the Christmas Pageant, I decided to move up my reflection date to today since I'm quite free now.
The year has flown by in a blink of an eye. I grew a lot this year. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Some may say that I've become more full of myself. But I think that I've become more confident as a person and I believe in my abilities and am embracing them. I got my heart broken twice this year. Once early this year by someone so sweet and who still is a friend. And another time just a few months ago by a guy who is a fake. Some will say that I'm too quick to judge. But I believe that I'm just good at assessing a persons character since I know myself very well. All test I take about the kinda person I am will always say that I've got great personal analysis skills. I like to analyze things. Its sometimes my greatest downfall.
This year was the year I take my O levels. And I initailly told myself that I shouldn't be in love or bother finding love. But fate thought otherwise. I had once great thing going that had to come to and end just for something horrible to begin. But it was a learning point for me. I made a bad decision that lead me down that horrible path. Those were the worst 4/5 months of my life. But I pulled through. I'm stronger than I was before. When things ended, I was sad for 5 minutes. And then it became clear to me that God answered my prayer. I prayed for God to end the pain I was in so that I could move on. And 3 days later, my prayer was answered. And He followed up by bringing me closer to my Faith.
I grew so much spiritually this year too. I realised callings to service that I never thought I'd be able to do. YISS in June this year was an eye opener for me. I didn't know I was so firm in my Faith. YISS helped me realise that and reveal it. I think being in doubt about certain things in my life made me hold on even tighter to my Faith. Emmanuel said to me a few days ago I think that if I didn't have faith I would have committed suicide a long time ago. And its true. I don't mean to disregard the help given to me by my friends and family during those dark times, but if it wasn't for my faith, I would have nothing to hold on to. I would have committed suicide. I wouldn't have lived this long if I didn't have hope and faith that God would bring me through it all.
I think that all I've got to say for now. Take care. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year if I don't add another entry before 2008.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, December 20, 2007
Something I wrote ages ago. You know who this goes out to.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, December 10, 2007 I never really noticed how much my parents have always supported me in whatever I chose to do. Of course their advice to me would always be to keep my music as a side project thing because it has always been a way for me to vent and I am good with my composing. I think in 2005 I wrote something about my parents not supporting me with my dreams. But its only now that I see that they do support my dreams, its just that they want me to have a safety net in which I can fall into. To have that safety net, it means that I've got a whole lot of studying to do in the future before I can settle into my music stuff.
Music has always been my sweet reprive. Its a place where I retreat to when the world hasn't been very nice to me. It happens a lot. I tend to just leave the world behind me and be completely enthralled in my own world of music. Where my thoughts are clear, my heart springs a melody my mind agrees with. It just makes it seem like everything is right with the world again. And I think music means that much more to be because I write my own and don't feel the need to copy from other artiste. Insparation is all around and I feel that life experiences is all the insparation that we need to write meaningful songs will great melodies. Every song has its emotion. A song is personified when musicians and singers alike feel that same emotion and are able to invoke it into the song and into the people listening. Having emotion in a song and singing and playing the piano with emotion is something that my Dad thought me. He was the first person to teach me how to sing.
I watched and listened to my father in awe as a child about 11 years ago when I first started singing. He had this amazing voice and he was a master manipulator of his voice. Its something I've always envied because I can't control my voice that much just yet. But what pushed me and spured me on to continue singing, was the fact that I was the only girl in my family who could sing. So with the piano training in aural tests and the listening skills to sing a melody, I started joining choirs and music ministries in church. It was there that my talent and ability grew as a musician and a singer. I met great musicians like the original band for YMM. It was there that I realised that I'm better that I thought I was. Words of encouragement from everyone made me want to improve even more. I felt obligated to do so. And I did. From the time I first started singing, until now, I've improved more than what I've acknowladged. At least thats what my friends say. I love music. Its in my blood. Its who I am. Its what made me the person I am today. Without music, I'd most probably die. And I'm not exagerating. I would have killed myself a long time ago if I didn't have an outlet to vent. Music is that outlet.
As for the safety net, my parents know that I've got my dreams in sight. But they also believe in my good judgement when it comes to work and business. I gave them my word that I'd do well and continue my studies. And I will. For the sake of my future, I will. Like Mummy always say, "Work hard. Earn your millions. Don't rely on a man for your money. Don't let them control your life. Keep God in your life and all things will turn out fine!" And I believe in my Mum. Like they always say, 'Mum knows best' and its true because my Mum always knows what to say to me to make me stronger and to make me want to be better. I've been blessed. And I'm ever thankful and greatful for everything that God has placed in my path. For all the trials and tribulations that have come my way to shape me as the person I am today. The growing is not done, it never is. But as life continues, we should be more humbled as we take up leadership roles and become seniors and such.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, November 22, 2007
So I just realised that I never did say anything about my Graduation Night. Despite the fact that it was held in my school hall, it was quite fun because I got to perform. Thats the picture of me n the band. Alvin was the lead singer so I was the back up singer, Asyraf was the drummer, Sofian was the rhythm guitarist, Sas was the lead guitarist and Delson was the bassist. Yea. It was a slow day actually. The beginning was quite boring with the exception of the games. Those were hilarious. My voice was dead that day because the day before I had like a full day of singing. 
So those are the girls I spent most of my year with. From left to right, its me, Is, Aziah and Li Xian. It was a fun night, lots of pictures were taken. I think I'll miss these girls the most because I tend not to stay in touch with my former school mates. And as of that night, I've considered them former school mates. Its quite sad really, that I don't feel the need to stay in touch with my former schoolmates. Black, white,black, white. It was quite apt that we were standing in such a pattern. 
So thats me and my drummer, Asyraf. This guy has been a great scandal for the past two years. He's the one who makes fun of me like mad because of the way I react to his "moans" and he's ever the joker. He never fails to make me smile. But that doesn't mean that he has no substance. This dude can carry one heck of a conversation. We used to talk about what we wanted to get for O levels and such. Oh! And he's the one who's been helping me get through my Malay class since last year! He lets me copy his work. Okay, it may not be the kinda help people would expect, but I just can't stand doing Malay homework. I just don't speak the language. I think I speak more Mandrin than Malay thanks to my grandmother. A lot of people say I don't like Malays because the people I hang out most with are Chinese or Eurasian but my schoolmates or ex-schoolmates are living proof that I'm okay with Malays. Who am I to be racist afterall? Aren't I the complete mix? Indian, Chinese, Malay, Eurasian? Racial Harmony Day Poster Child! 
So this is Daryl! He's the guy who shouts nonsensical things across the canteen during recess or lunch or at random times. Don't let his innocent looking face fool you. He's no angel! He's the devil! He shout crude things at random moments of the day. I only got to know this guy like recently this year. He's such a nice person to know. He's able to laugh at life and the things it throws at him. And he's a great artist! His sketches can beat mine anytime, any day. He used to be a common face at Starbucks, Siglap. I think it was one night that we were all there till like closing with my sister. It was a hilarious night. All the nonsensical issues came up. 
So this is me and the girls with our principal, Mrs Julia Woo. This woman is completely inspiring. Goodness knows how she's delt with the crazy kids in the school for so long. I've never had a problem with this woman. Just always had a problem with the activities the school had. They just never appealed to me. Hence the great deal of skipping classes and school altogether. But she always believed in me and my abilities. Never once did she doubt me when it came to my work. She knew I'd deliver at the end of the day.
So leaving school is a bittersweet event. I never liked school. And I never liked that many people because to them I was a snob for not smiling, but school was where I did most of my growing. Having people backstab me and teachers look down on me made me that much stronger and smarter. For that I am ever thankful for Ping Yi Secondary School. An unknown to many, but a place where I felt wanted even though I wasn't there most of the time. It was fun while it lasted, I'll go back to help the Art students with their work every now and then since I know how they feel. My Art teacher, Miss Ng, no doubt she was someone I couldn't stand at first, told me that it was a shame I chose not to be part of the family and that I chose to stay away and not bond. But I feel that my fellow classmates and schoolmates know that my heart will always be with them because thats how I've always been. People come to me when they've got problems they feel the world will never understand. And I'm the one who can understand it all.
Another chapter in my life that I leave behind. Another ending, calls for another beginning. Work starts on Monday.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, November 22, 2007 Looks like the post are getting more frequent. Maybe its the fact that I severly lack a life. But it doesn't matter, for I start work next week, and not in my parents office, but somewhere else. Hahaz. Okay, I think Freda has lost her marbles. Lets get serious. And I mean serious as in my long winded stories of sadness though I seem quiet high.
So here we go...
I see the pain in her eyes
A pain that seems so familiar
Its the pain I've seen in the eyes
That keep staring back at me
Its a pain I wished
Upon no one else
No one but myself
For I know, it is a burden
A burden no one should bear.
Okay, thats all the sadness and sorrow I have within me for the day. So I guess its not as long winded as I expected it to be. For people who are reading my blog for the very first time and do not know me personally, please excuse my blatant disregard for spelling and structured sentences. Its not my forte. I just can't spell to save my life and I don't think that blogging calls for structured sentences since half the blogs I read are not even in proper English. I just happen to love the English Language but hate having to spell. I guess thats my downfall.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, November 22, 2007
Lessons learnt from a closed Chapter.
I miss the times when everything seemed simple enough to do. And could be accomplised in a blink of an eye without any pressure.
I miss the days in which no one expected anything from me and I was free to be whoever I wanted to be. When the world didn't expect me to be a certain way and when I could choose who I wanted to be everyday.
I guess that sometimes in life, things will always change. Nothing will remain the same and no one's to blame. I apologised to a girl whom in my eyes, I didn't wrong, but I just felt bad for putting her through something she didn't have to go through. I received nothing in return. And thankfully, I expected nothing in return.
This life has taught me that when you give something, you shouldn't expect to get something back. That becomes what giving is supposed to be about. And expectations that we have, will not always be given unto us or accomplished therefore letting us down.
I've learned to live my life as simply as possible. Being thankful for the people I have in it and not expecting more because I am content with what I have and who I am. Sure it hurts to have people leave your life, but then it just calls for a new beginning. A new chapter in the story of our lives.
I spent most of my life, analysing people and the things they say and the way they say it. Sure I may be only 16, but I know what I know. And if people disregard the things I say because of my age, then they become the fool. Not me. I've encountered many people who feel that they don't have to answer my questions because I'm younger than them and because of age, they are superior to me. In 2005 or maybe 2006 I posted something on this blog. I said that maturity is defined as the number of experiences we've had and what we've learned from them and not the number of candles we've blown out, or something to that effect.
Recently, I met an interesting couple. The girl was a year older than me. The way she talked to me, it seemed like she thought that she was of a higher breed than me. Or of a certain superiority. I didn't like it, but I refrained from lashing out at her. I actually apologised for possibly offending her by the questions that I asked. Now, in the eyes of everyone who know about this, I am be bigger person and most probably the more mature one. But to give her credit, she delt with things rather well. Maybe I'm being smug about things. But its the way I truly feel.
The guy is 6 years older than me. I found that he had the mentality of a 5 year old. Sure he was business minded at times, but the way he reacted to things and the way he said things, it screamed childish! Most who know me personally know who I'm talking about in both instances. The guy had the odasity to compare experiences and such with me. He thought just because I was 16 and he way older than me, that he had experienced more. I would have begged to differ, but I let him have his 15seconds of glory and such. Everyone told me that this guy was never worth my time of even getting to know him because I was superior to him. I never needed his money because my family's quite well off. Even in terms of the command of the English language, I was superior and even I knew that.
You know, its not everyday that I rant and rave about other people, but these are people whom through their severe lack of maturity has changed the way I see things. And the way I view the importance of a romantic relationship in my life.
It was made clear to me, that guys who do not value my commitment and dedication to the relationship, is not worth the wait. That I did not have to wait for anyone because for every one guy I wait for, 3 others are waiting for me.
So the chapter in which I closed a few days ago was a chapter in which I learned a lot from and it changed my perception of things. It made me more confident of myself and of the power I have over people. It reminded me that I have the power to influence people wherever they are and that I can get people to believe me no matter what. It also reminded me that I should never take the words of others as gospel truth because that would be sheer stupidity.
And remember in the beginning of the post I was talking about the times I missed with my Mummy, this incident reminded me that although I do not run crying to my Mummy, she's still always there for me. And my Mum, ever the feminist that she is, will always teach me and my sister, that we Don't need a MAN by our side, to be complete or whole or strong because we are already all that.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, November 20, 2007 I sat under the cloudy skies
I watched as the stars we hidden
It was then that it became clear to me
It was time to close this chapter in my life
So now I say goodbye to what used to be.No more tears no more sadness. I leave this behind me now. And with everything else, I will no longer look back. Its time for you to see what you lost. A girl the world loves and who loves the world unconditionally. So Daniel, this is where I say my goodbye to you forever.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, November 18, 2007 I watch her sleep
I know what she's trying to do
She doesn't want to be awake
She doesn't want to feel the pain of living
The pain of loving.
It all looks so familiar
She knows it helps
She's seen me do it before
She's seen me sleep to avoid the pain
Will she end up like me?
God, I hope not
I hope no harm befalls her
I'd give my life and take her pain
Just so she feels no pain
Just so she doesn't feel the pain I've felt
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, November 16, 2007 Is it time to let go now? Can I open my eyes? Does hope still linger beneath all the pain? Or is what could have been now all lost? I'm tired of the tears I've cried. The nights I've spent alone in my room were no one sees the tears that fall. Did you mean the words you said the night you told me you loved me? Or do you love me only when times are good? It makes no sense to love someone and lose that love in just a day. Soul searching has done me some good. Now I know that it wasn't just my shallowness that led me to you, it was your heart which cared. But that was soon to fade. Wrong words exchanged. It hurts me too much to continue loving you. I can't do this much longer, its killing me inside. Set me free and I'll do the same for you. I won't hold on to you if you want to go. I love you too much to hold you back. I know you don't love me, but don't torture me by keeping me. Tell me that its over if you don't love me. Let me go.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, October 07, 2007 I've stopped believeing in what my heart desires. It hurts too much to chase after the one my heart wants. A war in our world. A cold war between me and you. My heart yearns to talk to you but my mind knows that it will all just lead to another war. My stupid, stupid heart! Why did I believe you in the first place? Did you not know or anticipate the pains that would follow?
O! My poor tender heart. So quickly you fall in love. But yet in love you stay when love has gone. That kindered heart you thought loved you has left you here defenseless and broken. Will you now just let it go? Will you now just walk away? So shattered you are, but yet so firm you stand to the ground that he left you on. All the hard hits and yet you are still standing. Why heaert, Why!?! Why do you tourture my soul? Why do I have to watch him walk away? Why won't you let me leave so I can mourn the death of something so sacred, so dear to me?
O gentle soul, I see you dying away. Slowly you fade into the abyss. The pain that your other half left you in the moment he said goodbye. In sorrow I hear you weep. But I know you will not take the fall. You will not be blamed for this pain within you. It is his to take not yours but yet you bear it. So broken, so weak and so fragile you are. Do not be defeated by the demise of your other half. In time, you shall be whole again. In time, you will find solace in another.
My mind. She seems deranged. Anger, love,indifference, care,concern, all one big mess of a feeling. A state of confusion and hysteria. The indifference you feel towards the one who did this to me. But yet, you love him so. You care too much just to let him go. You refuse to leave the memories behind. Why?
I miss you. Why do I miss you? What did you do that was so great for me to miss you? All you've ever done was cause me pain. The amount of tears I've cried for you could fill the vast oceans! And yet, I still love you. Why? Why Daniel? Why do I still feel for you?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, October 03, 2007 In the silence of the night, I cried out to you. I prayed that you'd turn around just so I could see your face again.
I never knew that life could get so complicated, nor did I ever know that my heard could love someone so much. I never knew that my heart could break even before a relationship started. I never thought that I could love you so much that it would hurt so bad to keep it inside.
I never thought that my heart would be broken again, until I met you. But now I know, that everything is possible because I'm talking about you, Daniel.
I really do love you, theres no denying it. But it hurts to have things be this way. Tears stream down my face because there's never going to be a happy ending to this love we share.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Anyways....The objective of this post, is to say that I'm forever greatful to all the friends who have always been there for me. Claudia, you've been my best friend for 12-13 years. You're one of the truest.Even though we don't really meet up much, things just get better and better. Remeber that our lives are never the same, it changes with each passing minute. But our friendship just gets stronger and changes for the better.
Gabriel(BEE HOON), you listen to me when I rant and rave about school stress and everything else. When it seems like the whole world is crashing down on me, you still stay by my side. Even though this is like my first year knowing you, you've always been a good friend. My dried brother.
Emman!! You are such a great friend. The kinky morning messages, the free pillow and keeping me company when no one else would. Oh! And I must add, taking care of me when I was gone yesterday. Hahaz....A owe so much to you for all the times you've helped me with a lot of things, even that time during softball. Hahaz....Bat the ball straight to the pitcher.
Eugene! My brother, oh so great la you brother. But cool down a lil bit la. Don't let the words of others disturb you.
So yea! Thank God for all you lovely people. AND my FAMILY!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, August 26, 2007 1. YOUR REAL NAME:
Freda Kay Ibrahim
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 or 4 letters of real name plus izzle.)
Fredizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal)
Black Dog
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street)
Kay Fernwood Terrace
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name)
Ibrfrnel
6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink).
Red Water
7. YOUR IRAQI NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name)
Rrahtfe
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name and fathers middle name)
Nellie Matthew
9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets)
Black Lucky
10. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (The name of your 1st pet and the name of the 1st street you live on)
Darling Bedok North
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, July 03, 2007 Sometimes, the best thing to do, is to let go of something good before it ends. It may seem like a cowardly thing to do, but in this world, no one wants to be hurt. They'd rather hurt someone else. But what happens when you do get hurt? Do you get up again, or just stay where you are and relish in your sufferings and pain? I'm sure you'd rahter get up and move on. But its so easy to just say those words.Its so much more difficult to actually do it. I've stumbled so much in life. Fallen too often. And now I don't know if I've ever gotten up.I guess its better for me to let go of you before I hurt you. I'll always be there. I'll always help. Its my reason for living. Its true. We do have a connection. Just something that maybe I was never ready for.
You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
I'll always be praying for you. You will never be alone. I promise you that. You can do so much in your life. Just believe that you can, and you will. Things are just difficult for me now. I wish I never had to do something like this. Its been done to me so often that I never wanted to do it to someone else. Its just too painful. But like I told you once, life is never what it seems. And love is always hard. Its not fair that you have to deal with me even though you have so much in life that you want to do.
My family was always right about me. I fall too fast and give my heart away too easily. And I always end up getting hurt even when I try to save myself from it. Now, giving up what we have seems so difficult. But I've always known that this wasn't a year to fall in love. Theres never a right time. But I thought that this would be diffrent. There was never anything to begin with right? I love you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, July 01, 2007
Youth In The Spirit Seminar 2007
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, June 17, 2007 Things are never as they seem. One minute, it may all seem great, and the next its falling apart. But that doesn't seem to be the case for the time being. How long will all this last? I hope that this love will remain strong as long as the two of us are alive.
God!! That all sounds so....Not me. Hahaz...Anywayz...I went to watch MACBETH! The actors were cute...In particular, the actors that played Malcolm, Donaldbain and Fleance. Soooo CUTE! But whatever...Hahaz...I've got some other darling already. And he's better looking! Hahaz. Most probably nicer too! My love is a good-looking, kind and sweet! Hahaz...I miss him :( Lets hope I get to travel after my O's then I'll go live with him and his mum for like a while. Hahaz...I know...It sounds crazy...But of course it won't be for the entire duration of the trip. Hahaz...Just like a day or two. Then I'll go back to the hotel. But thats all if my Mummy allows me to go. My darling was supposed to call me but he didn't :( I called him the last time...So now its his turn coz he doesn't want me to waste my money. Hahaz...Anywayz...I'm exhausted! Hahaz...Watching Macbeth was tiring!
Hahaz..I'll most probably put up some pics of me n the students in my lit class soon....Hahaz...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, May 25, 2007 So I've been up since 3 doing my Art work. I'm done with my work and I've got about an hour or so to waste...Maybe slightly more. Head kinda hurts right now. Don't know why. But I had my 6 hours of sleep! Yay! Coz I know the last time I tried to stay up the whole night to actually do my art work, I never woke up the following morning. Hahaz...So this time I decided to be a lil bit smarter and sleep for my normal hours and try and accomplish what I was meant to accomplish over the weekend. Hahaz...Freda is smart!But Freda doesn't have a brain. Her brain ran away from her a long long long long time ago and decided never to return. So how is Freda smart? She just is. Or maybe she isn't. Maybe everyone just thinks that she is and inside she's struggling to meet their expectations. Which is so stupid right? Shouldn't Freda just work because she knows what she wants to acheive and accomplish in her useless life? Freda doesn't know what is going on in her life now. She just wants someone to kill her. Does anyone wanna kill Freda?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, May 07, 2007 So lifes been...life. Nothing good that last for long. All things bad that never seems to go away. Yes people, the Freda that you all have come to know as the girl with all the sad and heart broken entries is back. But this time I haven't gotten my heart broken. I was just thinking a lil bit too much. And of course...The confusion is yet to end. So here's something I wrote about a week or two ago.
You were once such a great source of insparation in my life. A joy to have around. The things that happen so quickly, are always the first to end. The love I once shared with you, I thought would never end. The one who made my tears go dry, was the one who inspired me the most. I thought the heavens could not see, the lies I told myself. The stars have revealed to the world, the lies I swore by day and night. But now the heavens, have finally spoken of what I once thought was love, has lost all its meaning. I love the thought of loving you, but I can no longere lie to my heart. She knows that what I feel's a lie.For what I feel, is but a fragment of my imagination.
The world my heart has come to believe to be true, has not been shown that it is but a lie. This world has crumbled all around. The dust is settling on the ground. An image of the dreams I've had. All the nightmares have come true. Nothing seems to be what it was. Am I who I believe I am? Or am I , once again, just part of the lie thats been chanted like a spell around my soul?
They say, that ignorance is bliss. But wouldn't I be hurting those I care for, if the love I thought I had turned out to be a lie? Maybe a bliss for one's self, but what about those whom we claim to love?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, May 01, 2007
The truth seems to be so far away. My heart seems to believe every word that you utter. But my mind knows that things are not as they seem. Things seem to have lost its meaning since the feeling faded. Its not I see that it was never love that I felt.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, April 05, 2007 Honestly, I really don't get a lot of people nowadays. Its like a small matter and they all get so worked up about it all. In school and EVEN in CHURCH ministries. It just gets frustrating sometimes. I'm not one who would usually fight back. I may seem like that sort in person, but I can't bear to fight back. Especially if things could be solved just by coming to a simple compramise.
For goodness sakes...The people in church ministries are way older than me and they can't even talk things out. Its just really sickening to see it. I mean, its a ministry of GOD, and the conduct of some people there is....not right. Its not right at all. I know that its wrong of me to actually judge, but if I can see things from both angles, and come to a compramise myself and accept what is going on, why can't they? Shouldn't they be mature enough to have a thought process behind their actions? Maybe I think the way I think because I'm only 15, but looking at it from my point of view, I got the same treatment as the others, I didn't get offended and just walk out of the place cause it would have just been plain rude! Yes, you can get offended, its not wrong, but basic courtesy would have you tell the person in-charge first. Its simple as that. And shouting at people is not better. Realise, that people are not as musically inclined. Some are seeing the score for the first time in their entire life, You CAN'T blame them. Some just need MORE TIME! Please people...Learn to see things from more than one point of view? Learn to compramise? Its very taxing for me cause I don't want to have to take sides again. Its just too painful. Its a church ministry. Please try acting like one? We're a family unit. We are using our gift of song to praise GOD, not to use it as a way of diminishing other peoples talents. Please, stop fighting. Its not right. Its not how a family should act.
I hope things will be settled soon. It really hurts, but I might just leave the ministry.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Why am I here to feel all this? Why am I here to feel all this? What can I do when all the time I feel like I'm tied down and burdened? Is this the life I was meant to live? Was love meant to just pass me by? To taste nothing of it but yet hurt so much?
The masquarade will just continue. With no one daring enough to take off they're mask. A shield we hide behind all the days of our lives. The laughter a cover up for great pain. Pain whose source seems so oblivious to its emotion. Will bravery come upon me and give me courage to stand up and take off this mask I wear?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, March 23, 2007
Anywayz....Somethings just aren't going the right way in my life right now. But whatever. Who said it was ever going to be easy. More twist and turns are up ahead.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, March 10, 2007
All I can do now, is just to pass my exams. To pass my O levels. Make my parents happy.Study hard.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, February 23, 2007
Yes, love is important, but so are my exams. I know it may sound stupid, but love can wait for the time being. The most important thing is my O levels. After that, I don't mind playing a fool for abt a year.
Shane, I really don't know if I'm over you or not. But you really don't have to worry about me. I'm much happier. Better than I've been in quite sometime, though, I feel like I'm losing you as a friend. We just seem to be drifting further and further apart. I hope that our friendship doesn't just end. Oh...And you really should worry more about yourself. You keep telling me that you're okay, but I just don't feel like you are. Hahaz...I don't know. Hahaz....
Andrew!! What is there to say about you?!?!? You've been great. You've been cheering me up all the time. And now you are down. I hope that you feel better soon. Can't wait to meet you! Hahaz...End of the year ok? Hahaz...At least its something to look forward to. And remember...I'll always be here for you. I'll always try my best to cheer you up! xoxo
JASON!! Cheer up ok? Now you've got a new friend....MY SISTER! Hahaz...Both of us along with Camille and Jon will cheer you up ok? And Meli and Feli too. Hahaz.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, February 19, 2007 I was hoping to get over things quick, but I guess its not that easy right?? Hahaz...Yea...Right. Well, life's like that. I've been told by someone sweet...That I should be more positive. Hahaz...But thats not easy too!! Hahaz...Craziness. Yea...But moving on is the right thing. Right? I WONDER WHO READS MY BLOG. Just found out today that someone unexpected reads my blog. And knew about everything long before I told HIM. Hahaz.Yea...
Life's, life. And being a teen, is not as fun as being a kid. Actually, I wouldn't know how being a kid feels like coz I've always been the way I am.
I've got to go...Byez
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, February 11, 2007
Everytime you ask if I'm ok, and I say I am, I think you know that I'm not...Hahaz...I just don't want you to bother about me.
The days seem to mean nothing to me anymore. I somehow still live in the past. Floating in all the memories. Letting the tears fall even when the reason's gone. The past that haunts my present. The pain that overwhelms me. My life seems to have lost its meaning. Others prosper from my pain. Thats how it was meant to be. To feel the pain that others felt.
But my faith is wavering. I feel so lost. I feel like a wanderer, drifting around with no sense of direction. A smile I have to plaster on in front of everyone. But the tears at fall beneathe it.
I wish the pain would really stop. I never thought that I'd be this hurt. I thought you meant it when you said that you didn't want to hurt me. But saying things and doing them, are two entirely different things. You said that too. I hoped that it never had to come to this, but sadly, it did. But I do realise, that you need to solve things that are in your life. And I know I should do the same with mine.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, February 04, 2007 Its time for me to move on. I know I must. I don't know how long it'll take, but the time has come, to leave this chapter in my life. To bring with me, what I've learned from all this and to take a step forward. Sure somedays will be tough. Some nights will be rough. But I know that no matter what, I'm not alone to walk this path, and neither are you.
I'll always be here if you need a friend, and I know that I've got many people to lean on for help. To everyone who's been helping me though this, I'm forever greatful. This has all shown me that in life, we will never be left alone to get through anything. That we'll always have someone there to share our sorrows and joys with.
I've learned, that though you may love someone, and they don't love you the same way, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have.
I believe that you told me what you did, because you didn't want me to be the way I was. And I thank you for that. For always being there for me, when things went wrong. And for always telling me that things were easy even when times got tough. For sticking with me, through thick and thin and finally setting me free. It shows that you still have a heart even though I thought that you didn't. And I promise you, that you'll never loose the friend that you have in me.
A step a day, is all it takes. To get closer to where destiny awaits.
Let me be one of the few to help you get closer to where you're destiny awaits. Even if you feel like killing me, just tell me. Hahaz. I really thank you even though there was a point in time when talking to you hurt so much. And now I'm much happier.
I've finally gotten it through my thick skull, that what you've always needed, was a friend. Nothing more. And like I said, I promise, that you won't loose me as a friend! Hahaz...I really mean that. Anytime you feel down, you can call or sms or anything like that ok? And no, its not a burden for me to listen to others. I promise you that.
At times it gets tough, but in the end, things always turn out right for me. I think thats why I've been trying to get you to go to church. Please go ok?? Not for me...For yourself!
Hahaz...Anywayz...I've got to go!! Take care everyone!! Hahaz...Though I know that no one reads this! Hahaz...Still...To the random ppl who do read my blog, TAKE CARE PLEASSSSSEE!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, February 01, 2007
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, January 28, 2007
You are always the one I turn to when things go wrong. And you always make me feel better. Even now. Even when I cry about you. You still make me smile. Its not everyday that you find that the one person who causes you the most pain, is also the one who still brings you the most joy. Hahaz...Thats who you are to me. You've always been that to me. But yet, the pain is still so much stronger.
I've been down for almost a week. But yet I still have to smile. I tried to stop myself from crying today, but I couldn't.
I still love you darling. Even if you don't.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, January 22, 2007
A life alone, a life in darkness. Away from the world of worry and doubt. Of pain and heartache. But yet everywhere I turn, I see your face. You're in my mind, in my heart, and everywhere around me. So much I wish was gone, but yet it all gets stronger. So much I wish I could end, but yet it still continues.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 20, 2007 Can you please stop getting yourself into trouble? I know it may be a lil bit too much to ask since you looooove getting into trouble. But please, its no use getting your parents mad at you. I SHOULD KNOW! You know how I felt when my dad didn't want to talk to me. Its not fun my dear. Maybe for you it may be fun....But for me it wasn't.
Why do I even bother saying this? Its not like you'll listen right? You'll just say ok, to shut me up and then forget all about it.
I don't know why I'm still holding on when maybe what I really should do, is let go. I no longer know what to do. Its not as clear as it used to be. I don't know if I should stay or go. I don't know what will happen when all things end. I don't know if I'll be alright. I wish I didn't have to choose. I wish that things had stayed the same. But life is not what you want it to be, most of the time, its the opposite. Nothing stays the same in our ever changing world. I can't stand it but I know that I'll have to learn to move on.
My wishes and dreams aren't meant to come true. Happiness is never here to stay. My life a never ending story of darkness and pain. The one true colour that never fades. I plea with fate and destiny to leave a love in my life. I fear the darkness, I fear the cold. All I want is love around. But in this cruel world so dark, hate is all that surrounds.
I pray for you to be safe at night. I pray that soon your mind will clear. I pray that one day you'll find someone who loves you and that you love her too. I hope that happiness will come your way and that love surrounds you day and night.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, January 17, 2007
So much that I don't know.So much that I don't seem to understand. Its like as if I'm in a totally different world. A world where things are not as they seem to be. I wonder if the things that seem so complex are in actual fact so simple to figure out, that I just over look them. Maybe everything around me, has a simple answer, a simple solution. But I may have never thought of the simplest of solutions and answers. Maybe I just want things to be complex so I have a reason for being the way that I am.
Maybe I am the way I am because my heart refuses to let go of what it should. In the eyes of others, I should just forget about you and everything else that is bothering me. But somehow, to me, its just not that simple. Its like as if everything around me, every experience, every person, means too much to me to let go of them.
I can't help but remeber the times when things seemed so easy. Where life itself, was a playground. Where I could do anything and not care about anyone else. That childishness seems so far away. Although I know that it still exist deep down within me, I fear what I may become if it were to be unleashed. I fear the people I would hurt. And I fear that I may hurt myself.
I want to be in your arms. To feel your warm embrace. To know that I'll still be loved. No matter what life may throw my way. But I guess that its not meant to be. You left me so soon after this love began. I wonder if everything was true or false. If my heart was just a toy to you. I wonder now, how things would have been. If you had stayed with me for awhile longer.The times that I miss. How we would spend the day just sitting side by side. Those were the times which I knew you still loved me.
And then the day had to come, The day for you to leave me. A day I knew had to visit for nothing good every last for long in my life. A love so new, destroyed by confusion. I saw my world come crumbling down. Alone in the darkness, once again. A never ending chapter in my life. The darkness that haunts me day and night. That never leaves my side. I await the day for my path to cross. Once again with destiny and fate. Where I hope and pray, that love will come my way.
Who would have thought that I would write such things. Hahaz...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, January 10, 2007 So for the past 7 days or so, I've been crying. What a way for this year to begin. I just feel so lost right now. I thought I knew where I was meant to be headed to. What I was supposed to be doing. Its just no longer the same. It seems so much harder now. I know I can't give up. But I don't think I have the strength to stay. I know that life wasn't meant to be a bed of roses. It wasn't designed to go out way.
To have something you really care about taken away from you, it just hurts a lot. And I just feel so much pain and betrayal and a lot of confusion. I never said the things I said with the intention to influence. I know what I say affects a lot of people. But never once did I force them at gun point to agree with whatever I said. I always said that that was what I thought. They never had to follow what I do or say or think. Yes, I said somethings that I shouldn't have. But understand that I too was greatly affected by whatever happened. It hurt me a lot. It still hurts. Its not easy for me to forgive adults. Coz I know that they are capable of repeating that same thing over and over again. I've seen it happen. To be my age and have so many people depend on you for something. And never knowing if they're just using you to get what they want. And letting them cut you out of the whole picture coz they know that you're a threat, it hurts a lot.
I'm only 15 going on 16 later in the year. I said the things that I said, because I knew that it was what everyone else was thinking. They didn't dare say anything. You all scared them way too much for them to even open up their mouths to say what they really wanted. I may be young. But I do understand where a lot of people are coming from. Never think that I don't know what you all go through. I do. I've been in that position before. Take a look at my life and tell me that I don't understand where you're coming from. And just because I'm a teenager, doesn't mean that I'll just keep quite and do nothing about it. I can do so much about whatever has happened. I know that I can influence a lot of people. I'm not stupid. I know how much I can do. And its not that I want to play God. But I honestly feel that we are being treated unjustly. Filtering out people who are possible threats, is not the right thing to do. You don't know how much you hurt them. You say you do, but you don't. You don't know how much this means to me. You don't know how much I want this to grow. That was the only thing I had left to hold on to. And its only been 2 days.
You don't know how much this affects me. You don't know that you're taking me away from my family. You don't know that you're tearing this family apart. You don't know what you're doing. You think you know whats best. But you don't.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 06, 2007 So...Today is the last day of this year. I don't know if I should be happy or sad. Hahaz. Life this year, has been one big roller coaster ride. Many ups and downs. And I'm not quite sure how the year will end for me. But I know that I want to end it with love. And I know that I'll end it by loving someone. And I've been loving that same someone for goodness knows how many months...Hahaz...Madness.
I've spent this year, crying a lot. And I've learnt a lot from the people around me. I was happy for a while. And then not so happy. I guess thats just the way life goes. And for this year, I made a lot of friends whom I can trust. And one person I should have trusted a long time ago. There were times when I felt so lost and alone. Only to unveil my eyes to see how many people are there to care.
I found out how much caring for other people really means to me. And how I'm more concerned about the well being of someone else even though the person may just end up being my worst nightmare.
Honestly, I really don't know how to describe my year. Its just....Weird..Hahaz...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, December 31, 2006 I remember listening to Heartbreak Lullaby when I was super young. Knowing what it was about but I still couldn't sing it the right way. Hahaz...I guess now after living in this world for 15 yrs...Relating to most songs for me is quite easy. Except about songs which are about leaving home. I guess I've had a taste of almost everything that can possibly happen to someone. And I've had them in minute amounts. So I guess that as I get older, it will all just intensify instead of me experiencing something totally new to me. And for that reason I honestly think that I wasn't made to live a long life. And maybe I am meant to die young. Hahaz...I know its a lil bit weird to be talking about dying when its the Christmas season. Ever since someone asked me how long I would want to live until, I kept thinking what I was meant to do on this Earth.
Only now do I realise that I found what I am meant to be doing. And that is helping people. And through that, I give a lil bit more of myself. And soon, there'll just be no more for me to give. And its maybe because of that, that I always end up being alone. Even though I may love the person. Its like by them hurting me, it prevents me from hurting them in the future. And I guess that maybe things are this way because I am a burden to those who do care for me because I carry a lot of problems with me wherever I go. I carry the tears, joys, sorrows and everything else of other people. And I was meant to be a friend to all. And nothing more. Its not that I don't love some people more than others. I know that there will always be someone whom I'll really love. And the best I can do for that person is to be a friend. Nothing more and nothing less.
Yea, its painful at times. But I guess life wasn't mean to be a bed of roses for me. I find my joy in helping others. Without that, I'm almost nothing. Its the only thing that I can do right. Because I just seem to screw everything else up. And knowing that someone else's life is made easier because they were able to open up to me and unload their problems and everything else on, reassures me that I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing.
Darling, I'll still love you. But I know that what you need most right now, is a friend. And I promise you that I'll always be there for you. No matter what. Like I told you once before, though it my be painful at times, I'll still be there. I won't let you walk through life alone. And when you find someone who truly makes you happy, I'll be happy for you too. Don't worry about me. And you don't have to pretend to care for me. If you don't want to, you don't have to. You're not obligated to care or worry for me. As someone who cares a lot for you, I'm telling you to worry more for yourself. Figure out what you have to. And I hope you make your decision about me soon. And don't make the wrong decision. If you really want to let me go then do so, but if you don't then don't. I'm not going to force you to make a wrong decision. Its all up to you. I can't make the decision for you, no one can. Though I don't think that its the most important thing on your mind right now... Hahaz...I'll always love you.
There are two tragidies in life, one is losing your hearts desire, and the other, is gaining it.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, December 27, 2006 One would usually expect a joyful entry for such an occassion. But I guess this Christmas isn't as merry as I hoped it would have been. Honestly, it hasn't really been a good year for me. And I know that next year will not be any better. I know that life wasn't made to be easy. I didn't want to cry on Christmas. But I guess that its unavoidable.
I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. Everyone wants answers. Answers I don't have. I too am seeking answers that no one seems to have. I want so much to give up on this. But I just can't. I can't bring myself to do so. How do you turn your back on someone whom you love? It wasn't easy sitting beside you at mass n all and listening to what my siblings had to say about you. And when I got home all I could do, was cry. Even with presents in front of me. Even on such a joyous day.
You don't realise how much I still love you do you? You don't know how painful it is to see you and sit beside you do you? All I wanted was a Christmas that I would be happy in. But I guess that maybe thats asking for too much. And of all days to be crying...Christmas. The one day I really wanted to be happy.
I just feel the same thing happening to me all over again. The pain and the tears. It never goes away. Why? Is this the life I was supposed to lead? One with so much pain and tears all the time? Happy moments that are soon to pass. People who make me happy who will soon cause me so much pain. Nothing ever last. Only the pain.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, December 24, 2006
So many things that I miss about you. There's a long list of what I miss about you in my diary.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, December 14, 2006
Just last night. I was lying in bed and thinking about how much I really missed you. I still do. And I know that even though things are a little weird between you and me, life still has to go on. And that the world will not wait for me to start feeling better. Like I said to myself may times. If this were to end then so be it. As long as it makes you happy. I don't want you to have to feel like as if you have to love me just because I love you. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be fair to you.And I know that things are not easy for you too. I know how things are for you now. I've been there. And I just want you to know that I'll always be there to help you along the way. I know I may be 4 years younger than you. But hey...I'm not exactly like the other 15 year olds that I know. So yea.
I'm thinking that the next time we see each other, things are going to be a little weird. And I'll still be talking to you. Or maybe not. Don't really know. We'll see how things go ok? Hahaz. And don't worry...I won't go panicking off to Jonella or Rachel. At the very most you'll just see me crying. Its not like you've never seen me cry. Hahaz.Wouldn't be anything new to you. But really. Don't worry about me. Worry about yourself. And I shall worry about everyone else but myself. Hahaz...As usual :)
Life still goes on even when we want it to stop so that we can figure out what the hell is going on and so that we can straighten somethings out and find out where we're going. But since life doesn't stop and wait for us, we have friends around us. Friends who have been through the same things and have turned out quite okay. Not everything which worked for them will work for you. But we can always count on our true friends to be there for us when the world seems so unfair and we seem lost. They'll reach out a hand to you so that you can grab it and they'll pull you through. Thats what our friends are here to help us do. Thats why I'm always here for you and everyone else. You've seen the way I've helped others. Now give me the chance to help you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, December 12, 2006
You'll never walk this path alone. I'll always be with you. Even if you don't love me. I'll always remain your friend. Its always friends first. Everything else will come later. We'll always be friends first to each other. No matter what. Hahaz
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, December 10, 2006 Things just keep getting worse. Isn't it enough that my heart is in so much pain that suicide seems like the most appealing thing to me now? Must more hurt and pain be added? Are the tears really needed? Will the sorry's stop the pain? Will the love ever die?
The pain which entraps my soul. Its grip so tight around my heart. Slowly killing me. The pain consuming me from the inside out. All the lies. How you decieved my heart. And left me standing here facing all this by myself. Just days ago I thought that my life couldn't get any better. I had you to love. And now we're nothing. Were we ever anything at all in your eyes?
You are the one thing that hurts me the most. And now the only person I want there for me, is you. But yet all I'm doing is pushing you away. I don't know what I'm doing any more. You really mean a whole lot to me. I really do love you. And I still do. And because I do, I'm letting you do whatever you want. You can hurt me all you want and I'll still love you no matter what other people say about you. I guess thats what makes things so difficult for me. And I know how you're feeling. I've been there. Thats why I don't blame you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, December 07, 2006 Shane...Why did u say that you love me n then do this to me? Is the reason that you gave me the real reason or is it just another lie? I'd rather you tell me the truth no matter how painful rather than lie to me. I know that it might seem that I'm not trusting you. But you really have to understand that friends whom I've had and still have keep telling me that the reason that you gave me is stupid. I'm no longer that sad about what happened. I just really want to know the actual reason. Cause you should understand that I am just as busy and have maybe have more to think about than you. And do you realise that my brother is not here to comfort me? You were the one idiot that I was willing to work through a lot of problems for. I didn't give up on you when my friends were telling me to just forget about you. Even Jonella told me to just forget about you because of how much pain I was in.
And honestly, how do you stop hurting me by hurting me even more? So many times you've hurt me n you never realised it. And still I forgave you. Doesn't that tell you anything? You shouldn't have said that you love me if you didn't mean it. I was willing to wait for you. I still am if you still think that you want to be with me some other time but not now. But if you really don't like me anymore. Please just tell me now so I don't have to stand around here and wait. I would greatly appreciate that though it would hurt. Like I said. I'm used to getting hurt. And I remember you telling me that you hated the idea of me being used to getting hurt. Now do you know why?
The thing about it, is that I really do love you. You may think that I'm some silly little kid who doesn't know what she's thinking or talking about. But I assure you Shane...That I never tell someone that I love them without meaning it. I really want to know the truth. I really want to know what made you say what you said to me. You said that you wanted to remain good friends. Its not impossible. I promise you that I will remain your good friend no matter how hard it gets. You can still turn to me for anything. Being good friends is like the way me and you are now without the I Love You's and the holding hands and darlings and love n sweethearts.
I really want to talk to you about what happened in person. Doing the whole thing online was stupid. You could have called me up. I could have asked you the questions then and there. But what has been done is done. I just really want to talk to you in person. If you don't want to then tell me ok? Hahaz...Take care you idiot! Hahaz..
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, December 06, 2006 Why say everything you said...And do this to me? It hurts more than you not talking to me. Why bother saying that you love me if you know that you'll end up doing this to me? Maybe I should have listened to my parents. My mum is right. I give my heart away too easily.
I gave you my heart and you did this. I guess that you don't realise that you've hurt me the most out of everyone else. And still I forgave you. But I don't know how to now. A year and about 9/10 months ago, I felt this very same way. Except that its more painful now.
Maybe I should have just killed myself yesterday when I had the chance to.
But I still love you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, December 06, 2006 Darling,
You know that I really love you. But its hard not being able to talk to you. Painful even at times. And I don't know what to do. I really don't want to lose you. I know you're busy. And that you haven't been feeling well. I just really miss you. And maybe to you it may not be that painful. But for me, it really is. I know you have no intention whatsoever of hurting me. But yea. Somehow I'm being hurt. Maybe its just something that I've got to learn to deal with because next year I'll be very busy. I'm very afraid of losing you.
I guess now you realise that you love a child. And right now, I'm just really doubting the fact that you love me. It seems so hard for me to believe that. You know I won't stop worrying about you. It really isn't easy for me not to. I've never really loved someone this much before. So much that it hurts. Maybe its because I still am a child even though I won't admit it.
I don't want things to end. But I don't know how to not feel this pain. I just keep thinking that one day you'll just leave without saying anything to me. Maybe thats what I fear the most...You leaving me. You really mean so much to me. And now that my brother is off in Brunei and you're busy and not feeling well...I just feel more alone than I've ever had in a long time.
I know all this sounds rather depressing...But yea...If you read this, you don't really have to say anything to me about it if you don't want to...You could ignore it and I wouldn't mind. I'm just trying to get used to the fact that you can't always be there even if you wanted to or even if I wanted you to.
Love,
Freda...
Hahaz...Sounds rather stupid...I know darling...I just really had to put that hahaz there even though I don't feel like laughing
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I never wanted to hurt him. Or make him sad or angry. If anything I only wanted to return the love that was shown to me. I don't deserve to be loved so much. Not with the way my life is. Its not fair to them. Its not fair to my dad. All he ever did was love me...Even when I pushed him away. He's given me everything I've ever wanted and more.
Christmas is coming. And my only wish is for my dad to talk to me. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want my dad to look at me. And not avoid me. I love my daddy. Although I may not say it to him, I really do.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, November 30, 2006
Butterfly Kisses/ Daddy's little girl
I promise I'll be good
Daddy, this is next time
And momma said I could
Sittin' in the front seat ridin' down town
An icecream cone I'd rap him around
My little finger
Tighter then my baby could
You can make a tear go a long long way
When you're daddy's little girl
Well he tightened my bike chain from 7 to 13
Taught me to drive when I was a wild thing
Reached and he prayed while I made some mistakes
That I wouldn't have made if I'd have done it his way
Now he hugs me when he sees me
We talk about the past
He tries to give me money
And I try and give it back
He's a book of advice
More then I need
The look in his eyes is saying to me
Let me help you all I can
While I'm still in this world
What will you do when you're daddy's gone
And you're daddy's little girl
There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus
And I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses
With her momma there
Stickin' little white flowers
All up in her hair
Walk me down the isle daddy
It's just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddy don't cry
With all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning
And butterfly kisses for life
What'll I do when my daddy's gone
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, November 30, 2006
I'm so afraid. I don't know what to do. I knew that it would happen sooner or later. But I never expected it to happen this way. I never wanted to be the one crying or the one hurting you. Or hurting him. I never wanted to bother anyone.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, November 29, 2006 Just thinking about how things have changed for me this year. How I've come from liking someone who doesn't like me....To loving someone whom I really love. All the sad and depressing stories that I wrote.
Since the day I fell in love with you, my heart n soul has done nothing but soar. With happiness and gladness. It still never ceases to amaze me, that someone could care for me so much. As a new love blossoms, another one ends. So sad but yet true. And now I'm torn between allowing something to start and trying to keep something else alive.
I will always love you even after the sweetness of a young love is gone. You will never lose my love or my friendship. You mean so much to me. Givinig me so much hope in what can be. Showing me that there is so much more to life that what I've already seen. Holding my hand as we journey through this phase of our life. Always being careful not to hurt me.
You've stayed with me when times got rough. You were with me when my heart was slowly breaking. And you were the one who helped me put it back together with love. You've never forced me to do anything I didn't want to. You always understood my reasons even though some of them were stupid. You were never afraid to tell me when I was wrong. And you always showed me a better path than the one I was taking. You've understood the way my heart works. Though there are still parts of it that you want to help me heal. And I will forever be greatful to you for all the help and love that you've showered upon me.
I love you darling :)
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, November 28, 2006
So many times I've been let down. Most people would have thought that I'd be used to it by now. Even I thought that I'd be used to it. But if that were so, I wouldn't have so much fear within me right now. I would have gone about not worrying about if or when you are going to hurt me. You mean so much to me. That sometimes, I fear that I might hurt you.
You are the one person I truly care for the most. I hope you know that. You're always there for me when the days get tough. Always taking care of me coz I never know when to call it quits. And sometimes all I do is make you worry.
I seem so happy now. But yet so sad. Its kinda weird coz its rather confusing. Its like I don't know what I'm feeling.
I love you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, November 19, 2006 Why don't you want to tell me whats going through your mind? I know somethings bothering you. Why don't you want to tell me? You said that you didn't want to hurt me. I know you don't. But you don't know how much it hurts when I have to see you go through everything and I'm unable to help you because I don't know whats going on with you. I know I don't tell you much. But you should know why. Not unless you really need me to tell you why I keep so much to myself.
You don't know that I love you do you? Many can see that. But you can't. Many know how much I care for you. How much I want to be near you but circumstances keeps me from you. Hopefully one day you'll see how much I care for you. I don't know how you feel about me, but I hope that you know how much I really love you.
I'm so afraid of being hurt. But yet I'm making myself vulnerable coz I know with all the walls I put up, I'll never be able to love you.
I'm so confused right now. You don't know that.
I hope you know who you are. And I hope that now you understand how much you mean to me.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, November 02, 2006
Strength Of A Child by Freda =P
A dream which seems so real
But where everything is cold to the touch
Where all roads lead to no where
A will of a child
Her strength wavering as the winds sing their melodies
Emptiness fills her
As the sound of death knocking on the door fills the air
A time too soon for her to leave
This cold dark world
The world that tarnishes her innocent soul
But yet it seems so unfair
To take away the life that was given to her
So late that she arrived
And not so soon that she must depart
Her will to live is no longer there
Her mind has stopped its horrid nightmares
Now she sees the bright white light
A flame so pure that gives her new life
A lif e of love and hope
But filled with pain and suffering at every corner
Her love will shine through for all the world to see
The heart that was for her to feel
The hope she brings will soar above dark and troubled times
The world will feel what love can do
They will know the strength of a child
I started with a few random lines and ended up becoming this. Its not a song. I don't know what it is. But I know that all this is possible. Just find the right child...Hahaz.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, October 31, 2006
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Trials and tribulations of everyday life. Seeing pain on the faces of people that pass me by. Trying to remember the love that we shared. Are we still sharing that same love? Smiles are what i want to see on the faces of those who pass me by. Those who barely notice me...But yet I notice them. The feeling sometimes is so strong that it hurts too much for me to look. Love will overcome all. But yet it is love that causes us much pain.
I don't want to hurt you. But I don't want you to hurt me. No matter what they say, I'll always love you with all of my heart. You mean that much to me. Do you love me the same way?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, October 16, 2006 Story after story. All fake? Or all true? Who knows? Who cares? Love, hate, lies...Hurt. Is that what makes the stories?
Some love till it hurts. Some can't find it within themselves to love someone else other than themselves. I may love you.I may not.I don't even know.
But I know that love is something very powerful. It can keep you safe and warm, or it can tear you apart. So contradicting it may seem. But thats what love is. Everyone has their different perception of love. It can mean so much to one person. And mean nothing to the next.
I know that within me, I have the strenght to love someone until I start getting hurt. Is that person you? Or is everything that I've seen happen before my very eyes just an illusion? I want to believe that you are who you appear to be...But can I truly believe whatever is before my eyes?
Can I just leave everything that I thought meant a lot to be and just be with you...When I don't know if I matter enough to you.
Why does uncertainties about the way I feel fill my mind? Shouldn' t it all be clear to me by now? I thought it was. Maybe I'm wrong.
If i don't know, who does?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, October 12, 2006 So its been quite awhile since I last posted anything in this blog.Don't really know what to write about. Whats there to say?? All I'm doing now is studying, sleeping, waiting for my heart to be broken yet again, being stressed out by the people I care for.
Just all seems so strange. You care for someone so much. But yet you feel so much pain. I know that there is a great possibility that I'll be hurt yet again. But yet I don't wanna walk away from all this. I know what will happen to me if I get hurt. I know how much pain I'll cause the people around me. But yet...I'm still here. Just standing here knowing that I may get hurt. That I eventually will get hurt. I know I'm not blind. Maybe just stupid. Somehow I see things this way and I'm already trying to prepare for the worse to happen to me. I know it may seem silly to some. But the thing is, no matter how much you want to prepare for this, you'll still get hurt. I know that at the end of the day, I'll still get hurt. And when it happens, I know that things will change. In ways that I don't want them to.
I just never learn I guess. Always putting myself out there to get hurt. Most people will just call me stupid. Like I said...Maybe I am. I've been hurt so many times but yet, I still choose to care so much for a person. Sometimes I ask myself why I even bother. The person may not even give a damn about what happens to me and I'll still care for the person with everything I have within me. That I think is one of my greatest downfall. I care to much for people who will end up hurting me. And I just don't understand how I can care so much even when I know that they will hurt me so much. Am I really that stupid?
I've got people who care for me so much telling me to just forget about the person. But yet, I just can't. I can't just stop caring for him and for the others around me. Sometimes they worry me a lot. All I need for them to tell me is that they are okay and mean what they say. Do I really have to care that much for the people around me? I guess I don't have to...I just choose to.
I don't want to be hurt again. But I know that I will. This time it'll hurt the most. And I know it. I can just feel it. I just wrote something this afternoon....
I don't want to cry here tonight
I just want you to say
That you'll love me with all of your heart
Even when the day has ended
Coz I know that things won't stay the same
I know that you will leave
And I know love share tonight
Will just be a memory to you
I've seen the way your heart leaps
Everytime you see the girl
I know that you'll love her
Move that you'll love me
Coz I know that things won't stay the same
I know that you will leave
And I know the love we share tonight
Will just be a memory to you
Thats what I've manage to write so far. So life is not a bed of roses. I think all of us know that. Sometimes life's a bitch. But we still have to live it. Find out what we're here for. Even if it means that we'll have to get hurt along the way.
And I know that no matter how much pain I'll have to go through. I won't stop caring for the people around me. I know that some of them really just need someone to listen to them and to be someone that they know will be there for them no matter what. And I'm that person to many people. Its what I'm here to be.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, October 05, 2006 My dear...Why do u let him do this to u? Not only him...Why do u let them do this to you? I don't want to see you hurt. I don't want to see you cry. Every tear you cry is like another stab right through my heart. I feel so much pain everytime you are hurt or sad.
You're so fragile. I don't want anyone to break you. Not you. You've always been there for me. And this one time when you need me there I don't know what to do. How can this be?
I want to help you.But i don't know how to. All i want for you is to see you happy. You were once so happy. But now you're not. And its coz of them. They are the ones hurting you so much. So much that even I feel it. I don't want anything to happen to you. I've always wanted to shelter you from all this. I don't mind taking your pain. But I don't want you to be hurt.
You're older than me but I've always treated u like a younger sister. I want to protect you from him. But if you really really love him...I don't want to break you all apart. I just hope you know how much your heart, which is still so fragile, can take. I don't want it broken.
Lots of love my dear sister
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, September 09, 2006
When I read that line, it struck a chord deep within me. Many of us say that we will love someone so much that we would give our lives for that one person. But how many of us would actually do that? We don’t say that we kill someone to protect the one we love. But instead we say that we will sacrifice our own life so that someone else can live. How many of us can say that that is what we will really do?
I know that without a doubt, I’d die for the people I love. Because in my eyes, it doesn’t matter what happens to me. All that matters is that they are happy and unhurt. I know it sounds very foolish. But all I truly want is to see the people so dear to my heart happy. It pains me so much to see the people I love in pain. And it hurts even more if they don’t open up and let me in to help. It’s hard enough to see the pain in their eyes. Its like as if they’re crying out to you to help them. You want to. But they don’t allow you to.
I don’t want to see them suffer the way I had to suffer. I see what they’re going through and I know how it feels. I’ve learnt from it. And I want to help them get through it. I want them to know that they are not alone in this journey of life. It’s not easy. But it’s not that hard also. When you know that there are people beside you to catch you no matter what. That there are people behind you cheering you on and giving you support in whatever you do. It makes the journey so much easier. But do you want to let them into your lives and say that you will allow them to help you?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, July 16, 2006
I want to take away your pain...But I can't... They won't let me...You won't let me...How can I help?? I don't want to stand by and watch you hurt so much. You are so much stronger that you think you are. Why don't you see that?? You know that you're stronger than me....Even I know that.
I've tried so hard to carry the burdens of others...All I want to do is to see the people I love happy. I don't want to see them hurt. I want to take away all their pain. I don't want to see them suffering. It hurts me more than they'll ever know just to see them in pain. I want to much to just take their pain from them. To make it my own so that they can continue moving on. It doesn't matter if i never move forward. Coz all I want to do is to take away the pain of the people around me.
Why don't they let me? Why? I want to know....Can someone just tell me??
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, July 15, 2006
Broken Dreams Of A Broken Girl
I don't want to see them hurt anymore. They all feel so much pain. I wish I could just take it all away for them. I want to...But I can't. I know I'm not strong enough to bear it all by myself. I can't even deal with my own problems. I don't want to hurt the people I care for so much...The way that I've hurt others. They all mean so much more to me now.
My problems seem so trivial as compared to theirs. I just want them to feel better. I don't want to see them cry the way I have. The way I still do when I see them hurt. I don't want to see them go through the same things that I went though...They have it so much worse.
What can I do?? I just feel so helpless seeing them go though all this and thinking that they're alone...That no one is by their side. They don't see me there with them. Waiting to catch them if they were to fall.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I know that loving someone has a certain amount of joy in it...But when it comes to and end it hurts much more than we expected it to. And then you greif the loss of love and then you place your heart out there to get battered by life and then you go back to love so that it can be broken then you mend it again and you repeat the same thing. Over and over again you do the same thing to your heart and you just never realise it. I never realised it until i started writing this post.
We really are creatures of habit. We want to break the chain but are unable to. I just don't understand.
I think this post would make ppl who are older than me who think I'm wiser than them realise that I'm just a child seeking answers. Answers that I don't seem to be able to find. Which makes me go round and round in circles like a fool trying to search for them.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, June 23, 2006
There are so many things that I know that I'll just have to figure out on my own...But why does it always have to hurt so much before I take something from it? Like when you really love someone....Most of the time...At least of me...You never realise what you've got till its gone...And once its gone its not as easy to carry on and you start regretting or you just become super angry and everything gets disrupted...But the pain just never seems to go away...Everytime you feel like everythings alright, the pain just comes back and you have to start from the beginning all over again.
And when you find someone whom you really really like,and you really wanna care for them with all you've got, the memories of what once happened comes back to haunt you and you pull back...And you never know what could have happened....And it only gets worse if the person cares just as much for you as you do for him...Because then the person might just stop caring and you'll just sit there wondering what the hell just happened....How did you manage to lose someone so important to you and how you never realised that the person really cared for you.
Its just all so confusing....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, June 12, 2006
Don't you see how much you leaving us will hurt us all? You've seen us all cry. If need be we will talk to the people who want you to leave us. We'll show them how much we need you and how precious you are to us even if you yourself don't see it.
It hurts me even more because all my life I've had people walking out of my life. Leaving me alone in this world. And to see someone else whom I've just gotten to know just proves how unfair things are in this world. We want so much for you to stay...But yet you have to go away....The irony of life...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, June 08, 2006 I don't want to go back. Not to the way things used to be. It all just hurts too much for me to re live the horrow of what was considered our love. It had such a horrible ending. All I wanted to do is move on and leave everything behind me. There are people more suited for us. Maybe one day we'll find them. But right now we can just forget about what has happened and move on.
Maybe I've found someone who is good for me. But I don't want it to be so. I don't want to ruin the great friendship with something more complicated. Its not worth the risk....Is it?? Everyone seems to think that we're more than just friends. But we're not....Are we??
How did things get so confusing? It this the something that has been lurking in the dark? But what can I do in a situation such as this? Is there anything that can be done? How am I to face you? I don't even know what you think of this whole situation. What do you think we should do? How should we react to this weird accusation? What are they insinuating?
Whyh are things the way they are now? I thought that such confusions have already been banished from my mind. I though that such things whould no longer bother me. How am I to face this? Head on? Or should I just run away and hide? I can't do that. This situation will just cone back to haunt me like its doing so right now. I don't want to avoid this situation. I want to face it. But how do I solve it? Is there a solution to this weird and complicated situation? I need help and guidance to guide me through this dark and confusing time.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, June 08, 2006 Things have been looking up...But the tears never seem to stop falling...I'm suffering from nothing tragic...But why doesn't the tears stop? I have so many people around me who care so much...But what's keeping me from telling them the truth about what's going on in my mind? Whats keeping me from telling them the truth? Is it really that difficult? Why do I make myself suffer in silence??
As God painted my life, he added so many wonderful people in my life...People who have always been there and will always be there for me(at least i hope so). But yet my life is filled with such uncertainties. I know what my parents want from me...But yet i'm not willing to work for it.I know that I have no choice in what I want to do with my life coz its being dictated by my parents...And my dreams and aspirations seem to mean nothing to them. I know that I've got what it takes to fulfill my dreams...Everyone else can see it...Just not my parents.
I know the amount of love that surrounds me wherever I go...But yet there's still uncertainties when it comes to some of my friendship ties...Is it all just friends or more than that...Everyone seems to think that its something more...But yet it doesn't seem that way to me...Coz well...I'm me...But why do I allow people to influence my decision making when it comes to sorting out who is just a friend and who is more than a friend?Why??
God...Help my friends through the problems that they are facing...Lead them through the darkness that their in...Help them realise that path that you have laid before them. Amen...
Good night people...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, June 01, 2006
Finally
© By Becca E. Hoy
You were my hero.
You were my best friend.
And that was a feeling I never wanted to end.
You were there when I was couragious and strong.
But you were there when I was lame and wrong.
You stood by my side with whatever I did.
You defended me while I was a chicken and hid.
You were the perfect guy for me (so I thought.)
It was easy to see.
Something in the end just didn't seem right.
You weren't the guy I knew anymore,
even though we talked every night.
It didn't matter anymore.
You didn't care.
But it did to me.
My heart began to tear.
You broke it.
Something I never thought you'd do.
And my heart is what I gave to you.
It was broken for along time and I'm finally over you.
Sometimes it doesn't show,
but you knew:You were my hero.
You were my best friend.
And that was a feeling that finally came to an end
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, May 30, 2006
To be or not to be
© By Vanessa Siringi
To be or not to be, in love with you that is,
mesmorized by your warm and gentle kiss.
Astonished by how wonderfuf it is, being held captive to you,
no matter what the risk.
Bewildered by that everlasting feel,
pondering if this bliss could be real.
Debating weather or not it's worth it,
contemplating weather or not you feel it.
Confidently standing through the trials and tribulations,
without being positive that i'll make it.
Trying to hold on once it's slipped away,
praying that somehow it will one day be the same.
Watching as you easily move on,
pleading that my visions could be wrong.
Withour assurance that what you said was true,
but knowing I still have feelings for you.
I don't want to love you, I don't want your love,
but I do love you, and I need your love.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, May 30, 2006
And no matter how much you love someone, you can't always expect them to love you back the same way you love them. For all you know, they just never knew how to say it....And all you can do is just care for the person and catch him/her if they were to fall so that they know that you have their backs and oneday they might realise that you were always there no matter what.
I guess its now that I see that sometimes the best that I can do for someone whom I care for is just to sit there and be ready to catch them if they fall and just be there for them no matter what happens.
So i guess life has just decided to shed some light to me on its inner workings...But still....No one knows what life will throw at you next....So just be ready to accept anything that may be benificial....
Ciao!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, May 20, 2006
I'm free of you and all your vines...Hahaz...Yayness...Hahaz...I've just gone completely mad with happiness...Hahahz....Happy blogs!! Finally...Hahaz....HOW MY HEART LONGS FOR YOU LONGS TO WORSHIP YOU FOREVER! IN YOUR POWER AND MAJESTY!!!!I LIFT MY HANDS LIFT MY HEART I LIFT MY VOICE TOWARDS THE HEAVENS FOR YOU ARE MY SUN AND SHEILD!!! Hahaz...Don't think wrongly...hahaz...I'm so totally over loving or liking other ppl....Now all I wanna do is SHOUT TO THE LORD ALL THE EARTH LET US SING POWER AND MAJESTY PRAISE TO THE KING MOUNTAINS BOW DOWN AND THE SEAS WILL ROAR AT THE SOUND OF YOUR NAME I SING FOR JOY AT THE WORKS OF YOUR HANDS FOREVER I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER I'LL STAND!!Hahaz...Engulfed in GOD'S unfailing love!! FATIHFUL GOD UNFAILING LOVE FOREVER YOU ARE WORTHY OF OUR PRAISE FAITHFUL GOD UNFAILING LOVE WE CAN ALWAYS TRUST THE WISDOM OF YOU WAYS FAITHFUL GOD!!! THE HEAVENS THEY ARE TELLING OF THE GLORY OF OUR KING SO WE JOIN WITH ALL CREATIONS NOW AND SING!!!!!WE SING!!!!!!
Hahaz....Just so happy......In the spirit of prasing GOD for everything that he has ever done for me!!! Hahaz....All the blessings that he has given unto me!! Hahaz...Thank You GOD!!! YOU ROCK!!! Hahaz.....
Ok i've gone high in the spirit...Hahaz.....yayness
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, May 18, 2006
Now that nothing is left to be said between us, whats stopping me from leaving everything behind me and just move on? I feel everything within me shatter into pieces. No way of mending the brokeness that I hold within me.Every step forward hurts more and more each time.
But still with a tear streaked face, I continue walking away. Away from something that could have destroyed me forever. But if it was so bad, I do I still wanna stay??
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, May 13, 2006
Yet though my heart has been broken,my spirit hasn't. I know I can carry on. I know that there is no joy in ending my life. But what my heart seeks now is someone who will care for me as much as I care for them. You used to be that person but now I see that all this while you've been shreading my heart into so many pieces that even I don't know how to piece it back together. My heart seeks a safe refuge that I is not in sight at the present moment.So little love I feel though I know that I'm surrounded by love and care. I feel helpless as I see the people I care for get hurt. I feel like there is nothing that I can do to make them feel better...Though there is little that can be done, I want to do that little thing to halp get them one step closer to healing...But yet I don't know how to. So all I can do is shead tears for them and for myself.
I've let so many people down...I've let the people who love me and whom I love ever so dearly down in so many different ways...But yet they still love me....And with a contirite heart I shall do my best to achieve anything that will bring joy to them. I no longer want to see people suffer for my wrong doing. I never had any intention of hurting them. But in the spur of a moment it all just started and never stopped.
So once again with no one by my side, I continue to walk the lonely road with a heavy burden on my back.I trudge up the mountain that is in front of me...Trying to survive the tests that have been set before me. So my journey continues....So far no joy...All the pains that I carry along as i walk...And now all i'm looking forward to is seeing the view that has been set for me when I reach the top....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, May 09, 2006 No matter how much I hate you
I'll still love you
No matter how much I love you
I'll still hate you
Though you're right here in front of me
I still miss you
Nothing can change
The love I have for you
We may not talk
You may not see
The love I have for you
But
No matter how much I hate you
I'll still love you
No matter how much I love you
I'll still hate you
Though you're right here in front of me
I still miss you
We'll just go on
With our seperate lives
Living each day
As It goes by
When we meet again
Just remember
No matter how much I hate you
I'll still love you
No matter how much I love you
I'll still hate you
Though you're right in front of me
I still miss you
How confusing it seems
When everything seems so messed up
But how will it be
If everything went right
Will I still feel that
No matter how much I hate you
I'll still love you
No matter how much I love you
I'll still hate you
Though you're right in front of me
I still miss you
Would it still apply
If things went right
Will things still be the same
Or will it all just come crashing down on me
I just want you to know
Before everything comes crashing down on me
No matter how much I hate you
I'll still love you
No matter how much I love you
I'll still hate you
Though you're right in front of me
I still miss you
More and more with each passing day
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, May 08, 2006
Loving you is like lifting a heavy stone. It would be easier not to do it, and I'm not quite sure why I'm doing it. It takes all my strength and all my determination, and I said I wouldn't love someone like this again. Is there any sense in loving someone you can only wake up to by chance?
I want to be able to call you. I want to be able to knock on your door. I want to be able to keep your key and give you mine. I want to be seen with you in public. I want there to be no gossip. I want to make supper with you. I want to go shopping with you. I want to know that nothing can come between us except each other.
I keep telling this story - different people, different places, different times - but always you, always me, always this story, because a story is a tightrope between two worlds.
There is no greater grief than to find no happiness but happiness in what is past.
The past is magnetic. It draws us in. We cannot help ourselves, and as with other things that we cannot help in ourselves, we make up elaborate explanations, reasonable, rational explanations, to chant away the powerful things that don't belong to us.
Love has got complicated, tied up with promises, bruised with plans, dogged with an ending that nobody wants - when all love is, is what it always is - that you look at me and you want me and I don't turn away.
I'm looking for something, it's true. Looking for you, looking for me, believing the treasure is really there. I knew from the moment I saw you (as the saying goes) how it was going to begin. I don't know how it is going to end.
I suffer. I intentionally put myself in the way of suffering as a test, as a measure, to see what will be drawn up - to stop myself from closing up. I don't want to close the wound.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, May 06, 2006 Crazy thing called LOVE.It drives us mad.It drives me up the wall.The endless wait.And the not knowing.Why do people even wanna fall in LOVE?All they do is FALL in LOVE and FALL out of LOVE. So why do we even bother with LOVE in the first place? Why do we seek to be hurt by someone whom we don't even know. The same thing always happens.You think you know someone...Then BAM! They're someone else.And you realised that they no longer appeal to you.So why bother in the first place?LOVE scares most of us half to death. But then we still wanna FALL in LOVE?Why entangonise ourselves? What crazy people we are! So fickle when ti comes to FALLING in LOVE.We make absolutely no attemp or effort at all to avoid cupids little arrow. But yet when it strikes us we regret.And when cupid finally decides to take back his arrow all we do is cry and bleed internally.How stupid can that be?? Now you really know that we are creatures of habits coz we never change our ways no matter how much it hurts us.Either that or we just love being hurt....I know I for one don't....Especially when you're being hurt by someone whom you thought that you knew...And then TA-DA....You realise that you never did know them and that everything was a lie. Then after everything has been said and done, you sit down in one corner and cry until you can't cry no more....Then it turns to anger and then you realise that you should never have FALLEN in LOVE in the first place. But still we repeat the very same cycle over and OVER and OVER AGAIN!
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, May 06, 2006
I want so much to tell you but I don't know how to....But yet I want to know if you feel the same way....Somehow I know that you don't. I don't know how I know....But yet I feel it in the air.I guess thats whats confusing me so much....Wanting to tell you but yet knowing that you might not feel the same way. You don't see the pain coz to you I'm always all smiles and nothing else coz I've tried to hide how I feel behind my smiles...Smiles that mean nothing to you or anyone else...Having smiles or tears for that matter mean nothing to you....I feel more pain....Pain that may just drive me to my grave....But yet I know that dying wouldn't be an option in solving the delima that I'm in....To tell you or not.....
Everytime I see your face....I feel the tears coming....But yet I have to smile through them....Though the pain is too much for me to handle alone, I know that I have to deal with this....By myself.....It is my burden to carry....Not anyone elses.....I know that GOD will always be by my side even as I travel into the darkness......HE is all I'll ever need...I know that its only HIS love that I need....But yet your love means so much to me too....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, April 30, 2006 OOOOKAY.....So now I'm back from YMM prac....Quite stressful....Everyone wasn't as happy or cheerful as we usually are....Inculding myself though I was quite hyper at first....To Rachel: You know you can always tell me anything at anytime of the day....I'm always here....Don't stress too much....Should have told me that you didn't really wanna study....I wouldn't have forced you...
To everyone else in YMM that I may have offended during the past few practices: I know as someone who helps you all, I shouldn't abuse that because at the end of the day I'm just like you all....I too get hurt or upset or offended when people shout at me...I know how I used to get angry with the previous leaders when they shouted at us...But now I'm doing the same to you all...So sorry....I know all off us are stressed and all....Maybe I'm just unable to keep everything that has been going on around me under control...I've let it affect my work in the ministry and I'm truly truly sorry for allowing it to happen....Shall try to refrain from shouting at you all even when I'm angry or stressed....I know its not nice to be treated that way....Thousand Apologies...
To you know who(he doesn't know who he is...hahaz...): Sorry for the offensive remark yesterday online....I was way out of line...(hey!! that rhymed)...Its just very difficult to communicate with you....Talk to u online u don't reply....Sms you you don't reply....How else to keep in contact? So end up I get angry at you....And I don't wanna be....But I always end up that way....And the thing is everything is different when I see you in person....We talk we play we joke just like normal....Everythings been turning my mind upside down and inside out....
To Tony: Sorry for slapping you so hard just now...Didn't mean to....Was just having fun....You just always seem to be our subject for pranks because you rarely take offence....I know that there is a limit to everything and I'm sorry if I've crossed the boundries....It is my fault...
To Emmanuel: Hahaz....Don't know what to say...Hahaz....Sorry for hitting you for fun laughter peace and joy...hahaz....Hope you don't take offence....You know that I'm always here whenever you need a listening ear or just someone to lean on....Still hoping that the boat doesn't sink right??Hahaz....Hopefully it doesn't....Hopefully our friendship will last for a long long long time to come...Hahaz....Then we can talk abt who's screwing who...Hahaz...
To anyone else that I may have offended: I'm terribly terribly sorry for offending you...I meant no harm.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, April 28, 2006
I've learned -
that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned -
that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned -
that it takes years to build up trust,and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned -
that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned -
that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned -
that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do but to the best you can do.
I've learned -
that it's not what happens to people that's important.It's what they do about it.
I've learned -
that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned -
that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.
I've learned -
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned -
that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.
I've learned -
that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned -
that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned -
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned -
that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned -
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.
I've learned -
that learning to forgive takes practice.
I've learned -
that there are people who love you dearly,but just don't know how to show it.
I've learned -
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned -
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned -
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned -
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned -
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned -
that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned -
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned -
that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.
I've learned -
that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned -
that two people can look at the exact same thingand see something totally different.
I've learned -
that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.
I've learned -
that no matter the consequences,those who are honest with themselvesget farther in life.
I've learned -
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned -
that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.
I've learned -
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned -
that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.
And I've learned -
that our legs are for us to move forward bravely and carry on with our lives.
- Excerpts from I've Learned by Kathy Kane Hansen
I copied this from Mel's blog.....Its something new....And something that I really wanna work on...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, April 28, 2006
Everything that I thought we stood for turned out to be a lie.It is now that I realise that you were my world. You meant everything to me. You're the air that I breathe.The stars in my ske that guides me through the darkest of nights. All my hopes and dreams I had....Its now that I see that they mean nothing to be because you're not by my side.Your gave me the strength and courage to get through that darkest of days.You were the reason that I didn't give up on life. Without you by my side,my world means nothing to me. I could never imagine what life would be like without you....But now I have to live through this. The loss of the one I so love. But yet, the day still seems to carry on without you here.You come to me in dreams that haunt me and I awake to the reality that you are no longer by my side.
Every waking moment spent without you here with me seems like an endless nightmare. But yet when darkness surrounds me and sleep embraces me, I see your face and your smile.....but yet i know that something is missing.Your heart. It is you heart that I fell in love with and your love that I long for. Without the warmth of your love, seeing you is not worth anything. To feel the warmth of your love is worth more than anything that I could ever own.Your embrace was what kept me warm.And now that I'm no longer in your sweet embrace, I'm left feeling the chill rise within me...
The sun that was once in my life has since faded.I fell into darkness just as we said our goodbyes.How I wish that I hadn't agreed in the first place. It is only now that my heart realises that you are the sun in my life....You are the one which keeps my heart warm. There is no birghtness nor any form of life that surrounds me when you are not by my side. It is all just a dark and deep dreaded nightmare.
I await the day when I shall come out from the darkness and into the glorious light. When the feeling of emptiness is filled and the memory of your face no longer haunts my dreams. When I find someone who will never leave me...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, April 28, 2006 I'm somehow sick and tired of always writing sad and sorrowful stories in this blog....There is like absolutely no joy in this blog left....I always seem to make joyous occasions sound sad and depressing....Even on days when I'm up in the clouds....I somehow tend to blog very depressing things....I think thats why everyone has this misconception that I'm always depressed especially when I'm not...I mean everyone has their ups and downs....Its just that sometimes I tend to write everything in such a way that it always seems like a downhill travel....Which is weird considering that I do a lot of cheering up for my friends who tend to have problems.
Things used to be so easy to blog about....If I'm happy I'd say so and if I wasn't, I'd say it straight.....But right now when insparation comes to me especially in the middle of the day, I just have to write it down....I write down whatever comes to my mind....What I see other people around me go though.....I just have my way with words when I'm writing that I tend to make it sound very emotional....But it does contain a certain amount of truth in whatever I write because if it were all fake, it wouldn't have that depth or emotion that it contains....Nothing I ever write is totally fake....Some may be over exagerated but thats only coz my words take me to a whole different universe....
Words are my way to express the way I feel and the way others feel but can't express....Its something that I know I can do....I love writing.....It doesn't matter what I write.....I write whatever comes to me from all over....It doesn't mean that I'm always depressed...Coz my friends should know that I'm not....I just happen to be a very deep thinker who looks into every detail of what goes on around me....
For all you know, I could just be the happiest and wackiest person you'll ever know...Hahaz....Laughter...How I miss that sound...Hahaz....I could laugh throughout my whole life....Just being happy with the people who I have around me who really do care for me!!
Take care to whoever is reading this
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, April 25, 2006 I've tried my very best to forget about you. Forget about the times we had. And forget about how much I really care about you. I've tried so hard to just leave the memories behind. I've tried to move on from you....To move on to someone who will really care for me. But it never seems that easy. Everything seems to be so complicated. If I forget all about you, how will we work together towards something that so many people are working for. But if I don't, my heart will just continue to pine for you...For you just to be by my side. I don't wanna feel the hurt anymore. I want to be free from this grip that you still have on my heart. I want to be freed from the hurt that entraps my soul.
Everytime I try to leave the past behind. I turn around and see it all there once again...I've Tried not to turn around and watch everything repeat itself all over again like a never ending chain. Everywhere I look, all I see is you face....Your beautiful face...Filled with the love and care that you once posessed. But what I know of you is that you no longer posess the love and care. I keep telling myself that there is nothing left there for me to love....That you're not worth my efforts or the love I've been trying to show you. It all never seems to work.
I've tried so very very hard....But it always ends with me in tears. It doesn't seem fair because you don't seem to feel the pain....You don't seem to feel anything...Any emotion at all. Why do you put me through all this?? Whats in it for you?? What do you get out of all of this?? The satisfaction of seeing me hurt beyond consolation?? You know how much I really care for you....But you never seem to give a damn. How can you even call yourself a human when you don't really care what happens to someone who cares so so so much for you. Someone who would put everything behind her just so that she can love you with all her heart.
When things got worse...Didn't you hear my heart breaking?? You've known how I've been feeling....But yet it all means nothing to you....I mean nothing to you....Its now that I see that you never really did care for me or about what happened to me or how much you really meant to me...It was all a big joke to you...I was your laughing stalk....Nothing more than that....How can you say that you care for people when its so obvious that all you ever do is care for yourself...How selfish can you possibliy be??
Things happened so quickly...It was over before it even had a chance to begin....I've tried so hard to put this all out of my mind.....Though its now that I see that I can't do that coz you're the one that I'm talking about....Not anyone else...But you...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, April 21, 2006
Songs that i love listening to and crying
The flowers you gave me
Are just about to die
When I think about what could've been
Makes me want to cry
The sweet words you whispered
Didn't mean a thing
I guess our song is over
As we began to sing
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
I'll never know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
The memories of our lovin'
Still linger in the air
Like the faded scent of your roses
Stay with me everywhere
Everytime I get my hopes up
They always seem to fall
Still what could've been
Is better than what could never be at all
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
Could've been my lover
Everyday of my life
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Could've been so beautiful
Could've been so right
You can't know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Ni-ooh-ight
Ni-ooh-ight
How can you know what could've been
On a cold and lonely night
Thats's When by Alysn( How To Deal)
When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you
Just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you endlessly
And when you're mad cause you lost a game
Forget im waiting in the rain
Baby I love you
I love you anyway
Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie, it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you more than you know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby I love you
I love you anyway
Cause here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
Cause that's when I love you
When nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn the more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you
When I love you no matter what
That's when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn the more i love
The more my heart can't get enough
Thats when I love you
When I love you
No matter what
No matter what
These are some of my favourite songs....My sister introduced them to me....Great songs...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, April 18, 2006 I need someone's embrace....I need your embrace....I want to just run to your open arms and just break down in tears....I'm running so far....Trying to find you....I search though the mist and darkness that hinders my vision....I feel part of me slowly die away as each second passes by and when I'm not with you I know that I'm without life...So still I seach of you....Looking for your open arms.....My tear streaked face with blood trickling down my chin....My tears of blood....
I know that I'm falling so fast and so hard for you....But I don't know how to say it....I no longer know how to call out to you....To call out for your help....I need you love so that I can carry on....But just as a part of me is dying, the love that we once shared is finally fading....No love....No memories....Nothing....An empty life....No worth....I once tried to call out for your help....But you didn't listen....Will you listen now??? Now that you know that my life depends on it?? Or does your ignorace cloud your vision that I may just die because you didn't care?
As summer fades to autum, the warmth of you love just kept getting colder....The falling leave and the bare trees....A symbol of what is inside me....Nothing but a bare tree....I have no memories no thoughts and no feeling....Just emptiness....My life is coming to an end....Just as the love we once shared is....
I bid you goodbye.....As our hearts will never be entwined ever again....And as my heart stops beating and my body turned cold....With no one to catch me as I fall and no one's embraceto hold me tight as i cry....My life just ended right here and right now.....No more tears...No more breath...No life...Just a hollow body....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, April 13, 2006 All you do everytime I see you is hurt me...Not a day has gone by when I wasn't hurt by what you did or said or intended to say...It all just hurts so much....And finally I realised that you are the reason for all the misery in my life....Why don't you just die....Let me live my life in peace....Without worring abt what the hell you think about me or who the hell you feel about me....SO i don't have to see you face...The face that i fell in love with....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, April 07, 2006 The darkness and peacfulness that surrounds me when I'm in the sweet embrace of unconciousness...No worries fill my mind. I have no fear of what tomorrow may bring...Or even if I were to awake the following day...I have no qualms about what will happen between you and me with each passing day. I don't have to care about what the world thinks of me...How I look or how I appear to them....I don't have to care about what you think of me. I don't have to care about how you see me....I don't have to care if u feel the same way as I do....
No thoughts....No worries....My mind is at peace....Nothing that happened can haunt me. Not even the beauty of your face....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, April 06, 2006 How the hell do you know??? You don't know that I know what you are thinking....I don't need people to tell me that you know....Your change in behaviour tells me so. I'm not as stupid as you think I am....Nor am I that blind. What you think may be right....But it may be seriously wrong....Who knows?? I know....Not you....The decision is not yours to make....Its mine...So don't go round telling people things that may not be true....When you do find out the truth, it may be not what you expect....Anything said is soon to come back to the person its about....And the person who starts is will get three times more. Like they say...What goes around comes around....One day you'll see how foolish you were to think in this manner....One day you'll realise that you never should have done what you did.....Never assume....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, April 05, 2006 You're back in my life....I always thought that you would never come back. I was hoping that I would never have to deal with losing you again....But now that you're back, I'm bound to lose you again. I thought that things would be different....Simpler somehow....But they're not....Nothing seems to get any easier. They all just seem to be more complicated...
How can you love someone so much....But yet hate them just as much?? How can someone you love hate you so much when you've never wronged them?? Why does it hurt so much when nothing has been done....When I've never told you how I feel about you??
Why is it all so complicated?? Or am I just complicating things?? Maybe I should just leave you alone....Not talk....And not communicate...Maybe that would be for the best??? How will I ever know??
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, April 02, 2006 Many people say that I should be glad of the many things that I've accomplished so far in my life. But does that make me happy?? Should I really be thankful for what has been given to me??? I know I'm thankful for being given the voice to sing praises to God or just to sing for fun....I've been given ears to listen to other peoples problems...And the gift of being able to help them....I've been given hands to play the piano...An instrument that I so love...I've been given LIFE....This is the life in which I go through my trials and tribulations.
But what have I done to inspire people to be more than what they are??How can I do that when I'm not even trying to be better that what or who I already am??I LOVE being able to help in the Youth Music Ministry...Truthfully, I feel quite blessed for being able to know such a GREAT bunch of people....It is not everyday that I meet and become friends with such a WONDERFUL batch of people...I know that I may be gifted of some sort in singing or in music....
But what would all these mean if my heart is not in it?? It will all only be worth while if my heart is really in it....If I want to do this and not because I feel obligated to...Don't get my wrong...I love the Youth Music Ministry...We all share this common bond in which we love singing praises to God....But is my heart really in it all or not??
Am I allowing my heart and my mind to cloud my vision of what is already right in front of me?? Am I allowing my emotions to control my very being??
Am I just confusing myself with my own emotion??
When I think that I'm of no worth to the Ministry and someone agrees with me because he is angry with me and tells me to quit but only after my solo....It hurts coz its someone who matters to me....But then everyone else tells you to stay...And continue doing what you do best....And I want to stay, but i'm allowing the remark made by someone else cloud my vision of what I really should be doing....
Why does it all have to be so confusing?? It didn't used to be so hard to tell someone that you loved them with all your heart?? Being hurt once did this to me?? I don't want to believe it, but its true....I was hurt once before and I'm afraid of being rejected by you or even worse....Things never being able to be worked out between us....The fear that has been instilled in me ever since the day my heart was broken by someone else...But why must it cloud my vision when it comes to things that really do mean a whole lot to me like the Youth Music Ministry?? I want to have a clear vision and a clear head if I ever have to take over them.....And I don't think that I'll be able to do a good job....Considering that I'm so easily affected by the way other people around me feels....I don't want to be so sensitive to their emotions.....I just want to have fun and not worry about the person beside me....But it isn't that way for me....Its something that I've taken upon myself to do....And that is to care for the people around me....
But does everything I do have to be affected by the way I feel about him??
Should I be glad that I have so many things to be thankful for or should I be sad for having no love in my life??
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, March 31, 2006 I never though that I would feel so strongly for someone whom I barely know...It seemed impossible for me to miss you so much when you were here....But now that you're gone, I see that nothing is ever impossible...I never thought that someone could affect me so much that going by each day without him would be so difficult....But soon, I realised that everything is possible coz i'm not talking about some random guy, i'm talking about you...The one person whom i've always cared for. You're not just some ordinary guy to me...You're more than special...You are like the water and air in my life....I need you to get through this life.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, March 29, 2006 I've tried to move on from here.I've tried to forget the joys and the pain we once shared. The memories of our love, still linger in the air that surrounds me. The many sleepless nights that I spent crying and mourning the death of your love......with no one by my side,and no one to comfort me. Sitting there all alone in no one's embrace. The days go by without me noticing as I wander aimlessly through that darkness that surrounds me. Without a guiding light or a star in the dark and enless sky above me. Trough the darkest of nights, I sit by the lake hugging myself. I tell myself that though you are no longer here with me, life is not totally worthless. But deep down,I know that I have nothing left to live for without you by my side. No love in my life, no hope left within my being. The useless life that I lead. But though there is nothing left for me to live for, I still can't bring myself to leave this life behind. I fear that the memories that we've made would all just fade away. I fear that the love that we once shared would no longer exist. I fear that my very being would cease to exist. I am made up of the love that we shared that even now, I am slowly fading away bacuse the love we once had was fading.
As the days went by, I wondered why you left me in such a hurry. Everyday I sit my the very same lake that we met at, just so that I could feel your presence and feel close to you. And one day as I sat there reminicing in our love that has passed, I heard someone call out my name..I turned around only to see you standing there behind me. Looking down at me and smiling. How I missed your smile. You told me not to despair, that you would always be with me no matter what happened. You said that as long as I lived, our love would still exist.You told me to be patient, that one day we would see each other again. You tole me that you loved me....And slowly you layed a kiss upon my cheek...And slowly I woke up. A dream....Everything had been a dream. You weren't really here with me....You didn't really say those words to me....It was all just a dream.
When I got home that very night, I saw a flower layed on my bed with a card beside it. It read,"Our love will never die. I still love you...Even more than before. Love you forever" It was then that I realised that I really had seen you. That you really said those words by the lake.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, March 27, 2006 It is only now that i realise that I am lost when you are gone...That without you, it is more difficult to walk the right path. It was the light of your love which guided me through the darkest of nights. It was your touch that cleared my vision. With each loving embrace, you mended my broken heart. But now that you're gone, life just seems so empty.....So lonely. Life felt worthless....I always thought that you would never leave me....I always thought that I would have you in my life....My guiding light. And now as I walk in the darkness and wander aimlessly, I sit any wish that you were here with me right now...I wished that we never fought over such trivial things...I wished you had stayed in this world with me....So many wishes....But yet so few fulfilled...Everything that I wished you and me could be didn't seem possible...It always seemed too difficult to do...Until that every first embrace. Your sweet embrace that sent me soaring high up....But the harsh words that were exchanged....The words that brought me crashing down to earth.Oh how I wish those words were never exchanged in the first place. I miss being in your sweet embrace....I miss the warmth of your love...But most of all, I miss your healing touch. You rarely see the hurt that breaks my very essence...But when you do, your touch seems to heal all the brokenness that tears me up inside. But now that you are gone, who is there left to mend my brokenness?? Who else is there?? Who else has the same healing touch that you do?? Your smile, your laughter, your heart and your touch.....How I wish that you were here to give me all that....But its not the end of the world....I still feel your presence....And the memories that linger in the air that surrounds me gives me the strength to live each and everyday. Your love still lives with me....Its still in me...And I hope that you can feel my love too....The love that I've been trying to show you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, March 26, 2006
Youth Mass.....And yet another story
So yet another day has passed....I see your face, I see you standing there...I notice you but you barely notice me. Though it doesn't hurt that much, the pain from other times come back to haunt me. I've thought so many thoughts that nothing seems real anymore....You don't seem real. Its like you've been taken out of a fairy tale and put in this place and time where nothing is ever perfect...But then I see you....And to me, you are perfect because I've accepted your flaws, I've tried working through our differences....Nothing seems to work....We come from two completly different worlds...You've come from a fairy tale world....And I come from this imperfect world....A world where everyone has flaws...Even you....Maybe in your world you were perfect, with absolutely no flaws at all....But in this world, everyone is not spared from having flaws. I sit there and try to slavage whats left of our relationship....But nothing works...I sit there trying to think of what i've done wrong....What have I done to make you feel this way towards me??? I am sorry....I find a way to appologise.....But words fail me....I try to tell you that I love you....But my mouth refuses to move...I try to show you that I care.....And finally....My body lets me....The simple action that says a thousand things....A hug.....That was all I needed from you....And you cared enough to show me that you cared....It is now that I see that you've tried to care....And maybe it was my fault for making things so difficult for you....Or maybe I was being too dense....Maybe all this while you've been trying to show me that you really cared about me....Maybe you didn't know how to show it...But you finally did....Another day came....I was alone....Sitting and thinking about how things could have been....And how I should be thankful that it still might happen because it is better than what could never be at all....I thought about how the more I learned about you, the more I cared for you and the deeper I fell in love with you....And suddenly, I felt a light tap on my shoulder....Slowly I turned.....Only to look into the eyes of an angel....You....You have always been the angel which has always broken my fall even when I felt that you weren't there...The warmth of your love was like the heat from the sun to me...The softness of your touch....It was all becuase you really cared....It is now that I am sent soaring high above the skies....Singing and shouting for joy....For the new found relationship....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, March 25, 2006 So right now its actually Saturday....Youth Mass day....But its like Friday to me coz i'm still not asleep....So some of my friends thought that my previous entry was very good and they could sense the emotion....Unfortunately i can't always write like that....I'm not that good a writer. Today had sports day....Stupid event. Pracice was good....Jessica is doing Gabrina's solo....Didn't see ...... in church today....Didn't really care...Nicholas and Tony treated us to supper today at Cartel.
I can't think of anything creative to say.....Life is never how it seems to be...Though at times we may say that its easy, its never what meets the eye. Love may not always be good...It maybe as painful as death. Nothing is ever as it seems. No one is ever who they appear to be. We are all hidden behind our masks....We're in a never ending masqureade.No one wants to take of their masks to show who they really are deep inside. The words " I Love You" can be used in so many different situations....Love is complicated...Great tolearance is needed.Something that I lack. But I also see that love has different ways of expressing itself. No one knows what form it'll take next. I thought that love was you. But I was terribly wrong. All that happened was that I got hurt. I fell so quickly for you that I forgot that no one would be there to catch me when I fall. A love that blossomed so quickly, fades just as quickly....Maybe even quicker. Where do I go from here? Your guiding presence is no longer here by my side. I'm lost in this darkness....Until I see a hand reaching out to me....Once again it is you...I was hurt so many times by you but still I come running back to you....What is it about you that makes my heart skip a beat everytime i think of you?? Is it really love that I feel??Or is it just a way for you to get what you want from me?? Why don't you answer my questions? Don't you see how lost I am? Don't you feel how disconnected I am from everything that surrounds me??? Why are you so ignorant?? So self absorbed and you only care for yourself and no one else....And yet you still can tell me that you care for me....Do you really mean it?? I've heard you say is one too many times....And I've gotten my heart broken each time. I don't wanna bear the pain and suffering all the days of my life. And I don't wanna live a life built on lies....I'm sick and tired of all the lies....I don't wanna hear them anymore. I just wanna be away from all of it....Away from your presence...But yet I can't tear myself away from you....Why is that so??? Why do I always run back to the one who has hurt me the most?? Is it really that difficult to part with someone who has hurt me time and time again?? I try running again....But yet again, darkness surrounds me....But this time, I see a saving light. The light that has always been guiding me...But I was too blind to see....My clouded vison has now been cleared since the light appeared....No longer will I run to you...But I shall run towards my dreams.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, March 24, 2006
Do I Love You or Do I Hate You??
But how do I go on from here?? There is no one by my side to help me through the way....But then a hand reaches out to me....And guides me towards my destination....And soon, I am no longer blinded by blood....I am now surrounded by love....By the love of the people whose death I have mourned...The overwhelming love that surrounded me....Now I know that I never really needed your love....The only kinda love I needed was God's love.It is now that I see that I have never been alone....I have always been surrounded by love....But I was too blind to see....And now my vision has been cleared....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, March 23, 2006 After so long, I finally get a call!!!! From none other than my sotong mother( Joyce from choir) Hahaz....I miss her so very very very much.....Didn't see much of her when she was in sunny Singapore....Didn't know that she was sick when she left Singapore either.....Once again, I apologise for not attending the farewell lunch at ur house ok???? Was busy....Plus it was very last minuite for me coz I was only told on the day itself....So it was difficult for me to cancel my other plans......
Anyways....My sotong mother tells me to study hard....Hahaz....And that sh'ell write letters to me and she'll try calling me at least once a week....It was so good to hear from her....I was wishing for her to come online so we can talk crap and other senseless stuff.....And she called me!!! So fun....
I miss her joking ways and the way she always manages to crack jokes when she's down...Or even when she's crying and all of us cry along with her....She never ceases to amaze me....
I aspire to be a sotong!!! Hahaz.....I miss having mindless conversations with her....Hahaz....Anyways, I've got to go.....Hahaz....Grandmother's nagging on my head for me to eat...Hahaz.....Ciao
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, March 20, 2006 My life is becoming more insane as the seconds tick by. Things never cease to get crazy. My love life is worse....If I even have a love life....Or if it still exists....I think its decaying...Hahaz....Finally....Humor in my blog....After a long while....But its not to last for a long time.....There really isn't much for me to laugh about nowadays....Especially with such nonsense that goes through my mind every minuite of every hour of every day....Unrequited love.....How funny it seems when it is happening to someone else....But how painful it is when it happens to u....Hahaz.....Well....I shall suck it up and get over it....Move on,woman! I think thats what Shane would say....Hahaz.....The idiot who has no brain....Hahaz.....And who can't cook....And who keeps me up until goodness knows what time in the morning.....And who i might one day kill....Hahaz....
Everytime I chat online....Another idiot refuses to reply.....So I shall learn to be tolerant of such fools.....Hopefully i don't turn into a fool like him....I like being knowladgeable....Even though i can't spell for nuts.....I don't like being fooled....Nor do I like being toyed with coz i'll most probably tell u to go screw urself...As what i say to a lot of ppl who talk crap....Maybe with the exception of my best friend....At least i'm able to tolerate her crappy ways....
I shall try to stop being so rash and I shall learn to consider how my actions will affect others.....Especially the ppl I see every Friday night....Lets all hope and pray that I'll learn to be tolerant and stay with you guys and gals....Its not always as easy as it seems....I know that....Nothing is ever as easy as it seems....Kinda learned that a looooooonnnnnnnngggggggg time ago....
I've got to go....Byez.....Take care....Adios....Ciao....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Thursday, March 16, 2006
With your head held high
You walk around
In winters cold
You search for an answer
The answer to a question
Thats burning right through your mind
And right through your heart
You're searching
Through the darkness that surrounds you
You're searching
Through the pain thats all around
Every hour of the day
You see nothing but the darkness
Everything's out of reach
You don't feel the same
You're drowning in this darkness
With each passing minuite
You're choking in the pain and suffering
That clings to your heart.....
To be continued.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Its so weird...We know when something can possibly hurt us and would most probably hurt us....But yet, we still go after it. But when there's something that may not hurt us and deep down we know that it won't hurt us at all, we run towards the one thing that hurts us the most. Its like an addiction that we really just can't kick the habbit.
We just don't want to move on though all that is being done to us by this something or someone whom we care for is being hurt. Its irritatingly true about me especially.
I rarely see past someones good qualities into who they really are becuase I choose not to accept that part of them because I know that they can always be better. Its all up to them. If they want to be better. Caring for someone doesn't mean that you just care about them only when you see them. A lot of ppl find me irritating with my constant messages of how was ur day and how r u...But its my way of showing concern and care to the people who I really care for. But some of them don't see it that way....And thats how most of my friendship ends coz it shows me how much the person really can care....And....I will try for some time....And keep getting hurt constantly but I still won't give up...Until finally oneday, something within me snaps and I just stop caring...
When someone turns down an act of care or concern, it just feels like as if i've been slapped so hard....That i just refuse to wake up....And somehow, I always end up blamming myself that deep down I know isn't my fault.
I guess its just the way I am...But i know that at times it may be irritating....Just tell me if its irritating and i'll just stop....You don't ever have to talk to me ever again....But always know that I do care....No matter what...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, March 13, 2006 I Never....
I never knew that life could get so complicated
Nor did I know that my heart could ever love someone so much.
I never knew my heart could break
Even before a relationship starts.
I never thought that I could love a guy so much
That it'd hurt so bad just to keep it inside.
I never thought that my heart would be broken again,
Until I met you.
But now I know that anything is possible,
Because I'm talking about you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, March 11, 2006
You know that I love you
But how can I be sure
That you love me too
Can't you see the signs
They're right in front of you
Can't you read the signs
Saying that I love you
Things got so complicated
When I thought I was wrong
About the way you felt for me
Cause I don't wanna change
Just because you want me to
But can't you see the signs boy
They're right in front of you
Can't you read the signs
Saying that I love you
What if I am right
What if you feel the same
Who's to know
If you love me so
Can you tell me if you do
But can't you see the signs boy
They're right in front of you
Can't you read the signs
Saying that I love you
Please tell me that you see the signs
Please tell me that you can read the signs
Cause I can't make it clearer
That I love you
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, March 11, 2006
The lies that you spout can hurt anyone and everyone. But you just don't realise. Everytime I see you my heart just sinks coz I know that i'll never be with you. I know that deep down your heart belongs to someone else. I feel my heart breaking everytime I see your smile, everytime I hear you voice and everytime I feel you near. Everytime you enter my mind...Its like as if I'm being stabbed repeatedly.
How can you hurt me so much and not know it. How blind can you possibly be?? How can I be hurt by you so much...But yet not bring myself to wipe you out of my life??Why do I put myself though all this pain and misery just to be around you and to hurt myslef constantly.
Maybe one day you'll see that I really love you...No matter how much you've put me though. Or maybe i'll just die trying...
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, March 11, 2006
I've loved you for so long
Were you too blind to see
Even when we siad our goodbyes
I still loved you even then
But you left me all alone
You though the lonve i had for you
Was gone
I've always been here
Standing right infront of you
Waiting for you to see
The love I had for you
But you turned your back on me
You chose to leave our love behind you
But I'm not giving up right now
Not after how much I've given up for you
I know that one day you'll see
The love I have for you
That just keeps growing stronger each day
Just for you.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, March 10, 2006
Where do I go from here....The is only so much that i can do....The rest is up to him.....If he trust me enough for him to allow himself to use me as a pillar of strenght and comfort....Or to just have me as a shoulder to cry on....I'm always here....Willing to help no matter what happenes....I always care even if i may not know you well....Its in my being to care and to help someone who is in dire need of comfort or strenght or just a listening ear.
I will never turn away someone who needs help....Its apparent in the people whom i've helped....I'll stay up all night to talk if you ever need me....You can ask anyone....If I miss your call because I was doing something, i will still call back even though you just wanted to ask something that may be insignificant to you....But everything which concerns your well being is significant to me....I will reply every message even if it is silly....Its in my blood to help those around me.
No matter what happens to you or me, there is always someone to help....It may not be someone we know....But i may be someone whom GOD has sent to us....You never know unless you open up and let someone into your heart.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Where do I go from here....The is only so much that i can do....The rest is up to him.....If he trust me enough for him to allow himself to use me as a pillar of strenght and comfort....Or to just have me as a shoulder to cry on....I'm always here....Willing to help no matter what happenes....I always care even if i may not know you well....Its in my being to care and to help someone who is in dire need of comfort or strenght or just a listening ear.
I will never turn away someone who needs help....Its apparent in the people whom i've helped....I'll stay up all night to talk if you ever need me....You can ask anyone....If I miss your call because I was doing something, i will still call back even though you just wanted to ask something that may be insignificant to you....But everything which concerns your well being is significant to me....I will reply every message even if it is silly....Its in my blood to help those around me.
No matter what happens to you or me, there is always someone to help....It may not be someone we know....But i may be someone whom GOD has sent to us....You never know unless you open up and let someone into your heart.
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, March 07, 2006 U know, there are just times when someone whom you really care about....Is going through some tough times. And the person really knows that you care for him but they still refuse to open up...Maybe its because they're not that familliar with you...But you know that you can help them...But you just don't know how to because they don't tell you whats troubling them.
And its so painful to just watch them suffer...And it really affects you deeply. Especially when you have to look them in the eye so often and see the pain and confusion there. It just hurts me a lot to see the people around me whom I care about so much suffer. And maybe they don't feel right to complain to me about their problem or something like that, but i know that its what i can do to help them. And I really love helping people who just need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I could listen to someone everyday and not be angry because i know that they need me or at least someone to be there to listen to them. But they refuse to open up.
They don't know that it hurts me...They think that they're doing me a favor...But they don't see that they're affecting me. Especially the person whom I might really love. Who knows.
But they don't notice that little things like not replying a message for 3-4 days can hurt someone.
But whatever.... Its they're lost....I get hurt....But when they finally realise what they've lost...They'll be more hurt than i ever will be
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, March 03, 2006 I so wish that i could just die....Nothing seems to be going right.....the year started off great.....With absolutely no complications....And with me not liking anyone....But now its a whole other story
I wish things weren't so complicated....I wish i can just persue my dreams without having to give a damn about what my parents say or think and without them right in front of me trying to stop me....
I wish that things aren't complicated with me and someone who i might really love....I wish that that someone loves me too....I wish things aren't as complicated as it is for me now in my love life....If i even have one.....I wish that i never have to feel the way i feel now ever again...
I wish so much and so hard....but none of these ever do come true.....And i know that they won't sort themselves out but I just don't want to go on living this way anymore.....Its too painful for me....Having to see all their faces and always feeling overwhelmed....I'm always solving other peoples problems and letting them get all their anger and frustration out even if they want to take it out on me.....But yet I have to keep all my feelings and emotions inside....They don't know how painful it is for me to keep quiet and not to anything about the way i feel.....They don't know what its like having their dreams stumped even though they're so close to it just because they don't want to go against their parents....
All my friends know that i'll always be there for them without a shadow of a doubt even when i'm busy as hell because i don't want to see them suffer....They should know how much i care for them even though i don't say it much.....That someone whom i love shouldn't need me to tell him that i love him because i know that its very obvious....Thats why i never shut up even if he doesn't say anything back...
It just hurts so bad.....Not being able to tell someone that you love them or that you care about them because you fear that it won't be accepted.....Its just tearing me into pieces.....I'm just so lost right now.....Lost in my own emotions.....I don't know what to do anymore.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, February 11, 2006
So apparently I've been asked to update my blog....There's nothing much to say coz nothing much has happened....Its the holidays and the last time I went out with my friends was on the 5th of December....To watch Aeon Flux and Chicken Little....Other than that I've been busy with everything to do with choir and nothing else....
So doing nothing has like started me thinking about who my true friends are and what not....Some say that my friendship with my close friend won't last....And I find that nonsensical because we've been friends for....I don't think I wanna go there lah.....Lets just say a very very very very very long time.....A majority of my life so far.....We've been through some very rough patches and our friendship just gets stronger....We don't always see each other but will always know that we have each others backs no matter what....I've been though my fair share of hard times but I've managed to pull through....but I didn't do it all by myself....
So I guess I've said my piece about friendship and what not.....Since I've got nothing else to write I'll type out what ever song i've written so far....Which is only like one song....There really isn't much to say when you life is like a schedule you have to follow no matter what.....
We've spent so many
Days together
Just thinking bout our friendship
Thinking if it'll stand
The ups and downs of life
Is the friendship that we've lived for
The friendship that we're keeping alive
Gonna last forever
Or will it just die?
I've spent so many nights
Just thinking if we'll still be friends
The kinda friends that we were
Back when we first met
Will our friendship last forever
Will it still be there after the day has passed
Or will it just die
Like the way people think it would
Should we stand up and fight
To keep this friendship alive
Or should we just lay down
And let the world just take it over
Do we go the extra mile
To keep things going
Or do we stay here
And just let it all fade
But I still think
That its worth the fight
We've put our hearts and souls
Into this friendship
And I will not just let it die
I wrote this song...After I came home on the 5th...I guess I just felt that since my friend and I was able to make our friendship last so long even though we barely see each other....That we would be able to make our friendship last for an even longer time...10 yrs is already a long time if you ask me....
Guess I'll stop here....
Ciao!!!
Take care everyone...Hahaz.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, December 14, 2005 Well.....Its been a long time since I last updated.....Life's been....Okay....Crappy at times but I'll survive....Can't let one thing bring me down....Especially not now....
Waiting for a new piano to be given to me by my parents......Think I'll type out a song that I wrote last week.....When I was down.....Real down....
Why does love hurt
When its all over
Why does my heat feel
Like its been ripped out
And torn into pieces
Is it all really meant to be this hard
Is it meant to be this painful
Am I meant to feel this way
When its all over
After eveyrthing has been said and dome
And when I'm standing here
All alone
With the world around me
Falling apart
Who can I turn to
When you're gone
Who will be there
To tell me everythings gonna be alright
I never thought
That things would end this way
I thought our love
Was stronger than that
This song is still incomplete.....haven't had time to complete it.....Have to have the feelings to complete something like this......When I'm feeling love sick or alone I'll continue this....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, November 23, 2005 You know, I juz realised that I don't write about the usual things that people usually write in their blogs....Usually they talk about thier days and not their outlook towards life itself....I guess talking about my daily life and what I do everyday is a waste of time for me because I already keep a personal diary....So maybe this blog is just for me to go on ranting and raving about how sucky life is for me or how much I think life sucks in general....There isn't really much to say.....I guess everyone goes through the same things in different stages of their lives.....And I guess I just choose to voice them out via this blog....Love, dreams, hate, hope, heartaches, heartbreaks......I guess its what everyone goes though but I seem to choose to go on and on about all of them.....
Love: I'm still a "child" so I wouldn't know much about love....except that somethings are just not meant to be...Like me and....someone....And now things cannot possibly work out for me and another someone coz the first someone is still stuck in my head and heart.....Who knows why its so difficult to just to let it go and let him live his life without me there to bother him or why its so difficult for me to forget him and move on......
Dreams: I know a little something about dreams.....Considering that mine are currently almost non-existent....Some people will try to keep you from your dreams.....Some will try to lead you in another path....But sometimes you just have to toughen up and follow your dreams and keep everyone else out of your mind....Don't listen to others especially when what you want is really what you should be doing since the path has already been paved right in front of you....Don't make the same mistakes that I have made....Don't give up on your dreams......
Hate: Hate is something that everyone has....You either hate soemone or someone hates you.....There is never anyone who dislikes you even if you think so....I've had my fair share of hating people....Its all just part of life....You can't always avoid hate no matter how hard you try.....
Hope: Hope is something everyone should have.....Because is you give up hope you might as well just give up on living....Hope helps you to persevere thorugh a lot of rough times....I don't really have much to say about hope considering that I've given up hope on a lot of things.....
Heartaches and heartbreaks: GET OVER THEM QUICK.....It'll hurt too much if you just carry it all around....
Well, I've got to get going....Adios....Ciao....Byez
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, October 26, 2005 Well, I haven't updated in a long while....Its not like anyone reads my blog anyways right??So.....Life basically isn't that bad right now....But its not that good eiter....With my bill running up high....N exams which are thankfully finally over, what else is there left to do???Ponder over all my mistakes in life??It seems like everytime I start blogging, there is never nothing good to write because all that fills my mind is the negative things in life....Always being alone to face the world has got me thinking that way....
You see....Its always me against the world...No one's ever really there to help me...N no one cares....So why do I continue helping others who turn their backs on me once their problems are solved? I guess its because helping them makes me feel good...Or is it because i'm juz that dumb and never learn my lesson....And the illusion that fills my mind is that they will be there when I need someone to help carry my burdens the way I was for them....But they never seem to stick around...And when there really is on one arnd, I get hit the hardest because I'm the at my most vulnerable stage....But I've lived through harder hits in life n I survived.....
I guess for this past year my life has been one huge roller coaster ride....With great highs n even lower lows....Heartaches n heartbreaks are the worst for this yr n I suspect that it can only get worse....
Guess I better get going....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, October 19, 2005 You know....just when things starts getting good, something just screws it all up. Just like when your dreams seems within your grasp, it all seems so far away all over again when something bad happens. I guess thats why i decided to give up on my own dreams....It all seems so difficult to accomplish.....And i just get more discouraged when i see people who are better that me. Seeing people who are better than me should make me want to accomplish more......but its all just making me want to give up hope on every being able to accomplish what i want to do.
Somethings in life are just not meant to be i guess....Maybe music isn't for me.Maybe others see something that i don't...I have friends who say that i'm destined for music.....But my family members paint a different picture for me to see....
There are people in my life whom i used to love who just ended up hurting me....And there are people whom i know i still love but I end up hurting them.....I guess thats juz the way things are for me....Nothing ever really works out for me....Maybe i'm meant to go on with life with no one by my side so i don't end up hurting anyone who i really care for....Its not fair for them to get hurt because of my short comings.....And i'm tired of hurting so many people who i really care for.....I'm sick of dissappointing them and letting them down when i don't perform up to par.....It just hurts a lot when i have to watch them suffer coz of me.....And i'm sick and tired of hurting so much all the time....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, September 10, 2005 Well,I still don't understand why i bother blogging coz no one ever reads my blog....most probably coz theres nothing much.....you only read abt me bitching abt life itself....what else can i say....afterall....the world that we live in is never fair...not everyone arnd us is truthful enough to speak their minds nor tell the truth...life is juz a living hell....at least for me it is....i can't even enjoy music without being compared to someone whom i know is better in it than me....so why do people juz continue rubbing it in?
No one is perfect....its true...but no one should say anything to hurt their friend when their friend has done nothing wrong...why should one cause someone else to hate him/her? its stupid....especially when u know that u can use the person for some other reasons in the near future...why dig up an ugly past when the present is ugly enough...why are some people juz so clueless...no one has the real answers to the questions....we all have to find out own ways of solving our own problems...
You always think that you can turn to one of your friends....especially your best friend in your time of need...but who do you turn to once that best friend is no longer there??(besides GOD that is) you try to turn to someone else but yet no one seems to be there for you...you try to handle things by yourself but yet you keep drowning...you try to pull yourself to the surface of all your problems...but when you try to, you juz get pulled deeper...When your confused and upset...you don't think clear...you don't know what to do...who to turn to...and then you are finally pushed to the edge...and end your own life...you end what was given to you as a gift, a precious gift...all because u felt that no one was there for you...then the people arnd you who care and cherish you....don't understand what went wrong....they don't see their mistakes...they don't see that they were the ones who pushed you the off the edge...very few can see....but do the put it to good use....not all of them.....
You think that the people who "care" for you will always support you in whatever you do....you could never dream of giving up ur aspirations...you go along with life....as per normal...then one day, you find that the people who supposedly care for you want you to leave your dreams and aspirations behind n follow another path...you try to stick with it....but you soon realise that you can't possibly give up your dreams and aspirations....you try to go back to it....but suddenly you realise the amount of walls and barriers that you have to breakdown juz to get to where you wanna go...you try so hard....but with no one there to cheer you on...you soon juz give up.....juz like that all your dreams and aspirations are gone...the enormous amount of effort that you put into it all juz goes to waste...you then live your life with no goal to work towards to...n soon, you juz stop living....
Think about it...ponder over it...someday, you'll know what its like to be living my life...
UNTIL MY NXT BLOG,I GUESS ITS GOOD BYE FOR NOW...ADIOS,CIAO.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, July 22, 2005 heyz......i've been ok.......
Life hasn't been that great.....been sad n down n thinking that my life is full of crap coz of this things that i have to do and the rules that i have to follow....
Its not everyday that u realise that u can't do what u want but have to live up to other ppls standards.....and its not everyday that u wake up knowing that today is gonna be another day where i have to work towards someone else's dreams and not mine....Well,its what i have to do everyday....
I never had this problem before because i never really took into consideration what everyone wanted for me.....i always knew what i wanted to be what i wanted to have and what i wanted to do with my life.....but lately its been harder than expected bucause i have to take into consideration what my parents or lets say my mum wants me to do n what job she wants me to have....and its not really a good feeling because at the end of the day i'll be regreting what i did or waht i'm going to do because i followed my mums dreams and not mine....its not easy but its somthing that i know i'll have to live with no matter what....
I've broken my parents hearts before and i can't stand to do so again.....so its something that i know i owe them.....its something that they should be entitled to and that is my sucess or it might just become my downfall...but its something that i ow them.....its not everyday that your parents want or need you to do something.......its not that big a favour but i know that i'm one of their last hopes.....and i'm not going to let them down.....
Well that was my overview on what has been happening and what has been going thorugh my mind....In detail its like a lot of sadness and regrets....some ppl might know why....but i don't think that anyone really knows the truth coz i haven't told anyone whats really been on my mind.....
Think that i better get going soon so until nxt time....
BYEZ.....ADIOS......CIAO......
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, April 30, 2005 Heyz....well...i'm in school right now....using the com.....coz now have pw....hahaz......quite boring coz i'm seated away from my frenz....hahaz.....
My life has been very very very boring....with the exceptions of my meetings with Claudia.....i've been at home sleeping most of the time....n the Mid yrs are almost here.....haven't done much studying though.....hahaz...
Choir has been gr8 as usual.....
Better get going
Byez
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, April 27, 2005 Well.....life hasn't been gr8 nor has it been that fun.....everything that i do seems to juz exhaust me.....nothing seems to make me smile not unless i fake it....n its not that good a feeling....i still can't use the com in my house n i'm juz really down.....not much to say i guess....close to every single day had been bad n nothing good has come out of it all.....even choir seems to be stressing me out now and then.....
I guess its usually coz of the ppl whom have hurt me in so many ways but yet i have to see them.....n sometimes even have to talk to them.....
I juz realised that there is not a day when i don't get a lecture from my family members....juz makes me more suicidal...i guess its where my life is leading to right now........juz having suicidal thoughts.....i mean....saying this kinda thing is not coz i wanna seek attention but i know that its not something that i wanna do......but its something that ppl in my life are driving me to without them even realising it.....i guess they juz don't realise what they're doing.....
The weather seems to be projeting the way i feel today...n most of the days....its not something good.....but i guess that its something that i have to live with.....sometimes things juz have to be hard for you to get stronger.....
Well i thing i've got to go.....i'm using the school com....
Byez....take care....Adios...CIAO
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, April 06, 2005 Heyz ppl........know that i haven't been blogging for a very long time....well...right now i'm blogging coz i'm using my dad's com in the office.....hards day work....hahaz.....do a lot of paper work....headache already...hahaz....tomorrow got to go for piano lessons....thennat night going for sam big's law firm opening....hahaz....so fun...hahaz....juz to occupy my thursday night....hahaz....don't think that i'm going to be blogging for a very long time after this...hahaz...
Haven't had lunch yet.....so hungry....now my bro is telling me something abt computers....something that i don't really understand.....i don't really know why i have to take an interest in my parents' company....its not like i'm going to be the one to take over the company......my bro is the one who is going to do that.plus i've seen what the company can do to my parents n all the stress that comes along with it.....
Been quite busy...was very stressed during the first few days of the school holidays coz had a lot of things to do....but now things are getting better.....although i still have a lot of homework to do....maths n history homework...i'm ok with the history homeowork but not the maths coz its juz too much....plus i hate maths.....n my school grades are already down the drain coz i've already lost my top 10 status in the class.....so its not really that good coz i juz get a scolding
Well....think that i've got to go coz my mum caught me typing all these things in.....byez....adios...ciao....take care to anyone reading this.....don't think that i can blog for another long while....hahaz....byez
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, March 16, 2005 Been very very sad......yesterday was like one of the worst days of my life......maybe not.....never knew that i would land myself in this position.....SORRY CLAUDIA FOR NOT TELLING U FIRST! ! !didn't really know how to tell u lah.....oso coz i don't want u to feel bad considering that u wanted us to figure out what we should do......but nontheless ur not to blame......
Well i'm going through a very rough patch right now.....don't really know how to cope but i know that there r people who will catch me if i were to fall n i'm very greatful to have friends like Claudia and Samuel......thankz for always being there for me n Claudia....thankz for being my best friend through all the rough times that we have faced together.....Don't really know how to thank both of u for doing so much for me......its really been a gr8 help.....
But right now, its up to me to figure out what i'm going to do with the rest of the yr......or at least the rest of my secondary school life....i've hurt many ppl throughout my life.....n hurting my best friend is not an option.....n neither is hurting my family members.....but right now.....if i have hurt Somone.....i'm sorry.....but i had to do what i had to do.....sorry to all the ppl that i've ever hurt throughout my whole life.....
Well......byez....take care.....ciao...adios
FrEdA kAy What is love?Sunday, February 06, 2005 Well i've been very very tired these past few days.....My weeks schedule
Monday: Go school,come home do work n house work(normal day)
Tuesday: Go school,go home,rest,did home work,house work(close to normal day)
Wednesday:(onc of the longest days of my life)go school,had lunch,went for maths remedial,practised piano songs n then went for writes' circle meeting.left school n went to parkway for piano lessons,got home at 8.30pm or slightly later
Thursday: Go school,went for meeting,stayed back with a few of my frenz n then went home,n did my normal things at home,fell off to sleep n got up at 7pm,watch tv,talk on the phone,watch tv,sleep
Friday: (today.....such a stupid day) go school,went for meeting,had half of my lunch,almost got into a fight coz of my frenz,juz stand there n help my fren keep her cool,went home,went to sleep,got up,went down to walk my dog,came home n now i'm blogging
Well,been so busy that now all of a sudden all my emotional stress juz came crashing down......so i haven't really been able to help myself that much n i've been over exerting my body n i've not been sleeping properly..........been thinking too much too. Don't wanna stay at home for long coz i think that i wanna be waya from home for a little while......so ya.........some things i juz won't write in here lah......coz my sis has excess to this oso so i shall keep somethings to myself.....hahaz....
SO BYEZ......CIAO........ADIOS........TAKE CARE.......HAHAZ.......LOVE YA ALL.....HAHAZ........
FrEdA kAy What is love?Friday, February 04, 2005 heyz......well this week has been very very boring.......hahaz....had nothing to do the whole week with the exception of today n friday n wednesday......coz on wednesday had meeting until 6pm or 5.45pm.......then on thursday i had piano lessons.......friday i had school as usual then come home n slack n all then got ready to meet claudia for dinner then we went to sps for the military band passing out parade.......hahaz......went there coz jonathan ask to go so we all went along with nicholas n samuel......hahaz......jonathan's solo was damn nice......hahaz.....me claudia n sam were seated right beside jonathan's grandparents.....was damn freaky........hahaz.......then claudia n sam the both like crazy one lor..........force me to say hello............hahaz.......damn crap lah........then today had to go for a wedding in the morning......hahaz......so right now i'm damn tired
Hahaz......nothing else to say already.......hahaz........byez..........ciao.......adios........hahaz
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 29, 2005 hahaz........so happy that i finally did this correctly........the first time i did this i got pissed off..........hahaz...........now my blog is looking a little bit more presentable........hahaz..............i'm so happy.........hahaz......ok
so today i went down for a swim........i pretty much stayed at home the whole day n was only out of the house for like few hours compared to the amt of hours that my bro n sis were out...........hahaz........well didn't really do much this week but nxt week will be tiring coz of all the presentations...hahaz........well i'm going already lah..........
Byez.....Ciao.....Adios........hahaz.......take care to who ever is reading this....hahaz
FrEdA kAy What is love?Saturday, January 22, 2005
Hello People.....i know that i haven't updated in a long long time
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, January 12, 2005 Haven't blog in a long time....busy with a lot of things.Juz want life to stop n pause n let me get everything right be4 continuing.Everything has been so confusing lately....nothing seems to be going right everything is sooooooo wrong now.I am sooooo busy now a days with a lot of exams.
At least I still have choir n church to hold onto....n my choir frenz.Lie I said...choir is a place a sacret haven for me.I have soooo many things to do n am sooooo busy.
Got to go now coz I need to eat
byez
FrEdA kAy What is love?Wednesday, October 13, 2004
At Least The Day Is Looking Up
But still damn tired.Hopefully tomorrow can go n sleep during lessons instead of listening to my boring teachers.Back into the darkness of unconciousness.How good it would be if I could do that everyday of my life.I would be over - joyed.Never having to think abt what I am going to do once i have to start working or even what I am going to do once I get out of secondary school.Never having to plan my future.
Secrets revealed n secrets kept...aren't they all the same?
Y do we keep secrets?Do we not trust anyone?Y do we lie?Are we that afraid of the consequences?Is everything a joke in this world that we r living in?Is our livlihood based on false pretences?
the big qurestion....
Y R THERE SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS IN THIS WORLS THAT WE R LIVING IN?
FrEdA kAy What is love?Tuesday, October 05, 2004 Exams started already....Very tiring....Everytime after finish the paper straight away go n sleep...n drift of to dream land.Then after that cannot get up.
Too bad school set a rule against sleeping during exams...but at least teachers still allow us to sleep...if not we would be talking.Come home also cannot sleep...Must stay awake to do housework n homework...Whats the difference...homework=work given by school in which wether u pass or fail depends on it..... housework=chores given to u by ur parents so as to ensure that we don't watch too much t.v n to make sure the house is clean for them when they get back from a long day of work.
Y do children blow both off?
Thats coz children have a life unlike adults who's lives revolve arnd work n bills.
Why can't life be more interesting in Singapore?Life as a singaporean sucks if u stay in Singapore.....
FrEdA kAy What is love?Monday, October 04, 2004