I just unearthed some presents from my birthday last year. The birthday was awesome, but things from then till now have changed a great deal. I think in essence I have less friends now than at the beginning of the year. I'm actually questioning if I even do have friends right now.

I mean, no one is to be blamed, friendship's a two way street, I haven't made enough time for anyone this year besides music and I think everyone else has been kinda overwhelmed with school and stuff we just started losing sight of what was important. I'm not trying to sound righteous, I think I'm the lease righteous person that I know. Despite people always looking to me for answers, my actual state of mind and being is the exact opposite. I don't have answers for myself, maybe thats why things are so difficult sometimes.

I wish I could say that I was happy this year, but that would be a lie. I felt more than what I let on. What people saw, despite it being bad was only a fraction of what I felt. There was so much more I just couldn't put in words. When someone whom I thought was turning out to be a good friend suddenly told me not to talk to him anymore, I felt like I'd been let down again, and not only that, but abandoned. He was the only friend I had then who could meet me anytime I needed him and I thought I was there for him too, but apparently he thought I was trying to make him sever ties with someone else, and I was angry at first. But now, I'm just sad that our friendship turned out that way.

I barely saw my best friend,Claudia, this year, but I can't blame her for that because she had a major exam this year. And as a best friend I just had to accept that, and support and encourage her and just be there for her. My other good friends were busy with school. Jolin had just started her first year in poly when I had somewhat of a breakdown, but then it got better, and she got really busy in her later part of school. As for Gabe, I saw him quite often, just that I still couldn't tell him everything.

I don't know.

Been in this storm

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form

Water's getting harder to tread

With these waves crashing over my head

If I ould just see you

Everything will be alright

If I'd see you

The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be alright

And everything will be alright

I know you didn't

Bring me out here to drown

So why am I 10 feet under and upside down

Barely surviving has become my purpose

Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you

Everything will be alright

If I see you

The storminess will turn to light

And I will walk on water

And you will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water

You will catch me if I fall

And I will get lost into your eyes

And everything will be alright

I know everything is alright

Everything's alright.

I have a friend, who is always happy and smiling and cheering me up, well I've got quite a number of friends like that, and most people around them believe that smile. They believe that what they see is what is true, because how can someone so happy be so sad. But people open up to me and tell me things, tell me when something goes wrong in their family, in their relationships with other people and I think to myself, "These are amazing people, why do these things happen to them?"

And then I have friends who are as cold as ice and as hard as the hardest stone you can ever find. People think that they're heartless and unemotional. But then I always see the other side of them, because they choose to. And I find the reason why, and it breaks my heart.

I've been so blessed in my life, to have the family I have, I may not always understand why certain things are done in a certain way, but I do know that I wouldn't trade my family for anything in this whole entire world though at times I may think I do. Things get difficult, feelings get hurt, me and my family, we're complete drama mamas'. We can make a mountain out of a speck of dust. But I love them nonetheless.

I see the life I have, the life I've led and I can't help but be amazed at my family's willingness to sacrifice. Even now, when my school is like ages away from my home, and when I'm always in school having practices or meetings and I end late, my mum or brother or dad, will take that 30 -45 minute drive to come all the way down to pick me up and send me home. Or on nights when I've got double practices, to pick me up and send me to church. Having this much love in my family, this much care and concern for one another, I can't help but show some of that to the people in my life.

There are adults I know who have tonnes of regrets in their lives, but so far in my 18 years of life, after thinking and reflecting last night, I have almost no regrets. I only have one and that is screwing up a friendship, but even that is on its way to mend itself. I went for mass with my sister and mum yesterday, and I felt surrounded by love. I finally found my joy for singing again. I heard the first choir I ever joined, sing praises to God. And though I know the road is long and winding and rough, I know that my family will always be there, and so will God.

I was thinking this morning about how my life will change if I were to move away from Singapore and study somewhere else and eventually live there. I know I will get home sick, no matter how little time I spend with my family nowadays. I know it will be tough and I know I will get scared, but I know I shouldn't let fear come between me and what will eventually be good for me. Most people think that I wanna get out of Singapore because my lifestyle doesn't suit this place, but its not just that, I just think that I've done so much here and gotten so far, that I need to expand somewhere else. I think that I've done about as much growing here as I can possibly do and staying here will stifle my growth as a person. I don't need to find myself, I know who I am. I don't need to find what I love because at the end of the day, God will guide me through it.

I realised I've been on the same emotional plane this whole entire year, maybe with the exception of when I was in Texas, I think that was the only time I was reallly happy because I had nothing to do and no expectations to live up to and no one really knew anything about me and what I've done and accomplished.

I think that its about time for me to just put behind what happened and just really look forward. It really is a heavy burden to carry around, thinking about what happened and what I did and what I didn't do and what I could've done, its really too many questions that will most probably be enough to drive anyone insane.

I think that I should give myself the chance to be happy, I should find the person I once was, the one who would stand up for what she believed in and wasn't afraid to voice her opinions. I think that I should really just speak my mind instead of letting things fester inside.

Kate Voegele - Unfair

So silently

Wish I could say the same for me

But I've got this dead ended street

To keep searching

For a tunnel underneath the bitter truth

Or a bridge invisible I won't fall through

And I don't know how much I can keep

Letting you unravel me

Cause the more you learn the more we share

We were worlds apart and you see

It was so much easier to be

Cause now I know what we can't have and its' so unfair

I never meant

Most of those pretty words I said

But I wanted you to think I did

'Cause telling you all this makes no difference

It's useless

'Cause those who get to know our hearts the most

They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold

And I don't know how much I can keep

Letting you unravel me

'Cause the more you learn the more we share

We were worlds apart and you see

It was so much easier to be

'Cause now I know what we can't have

And it's so unfair

Can't you see it's destroying me?

I can't stand the closeness

But don't you dare go avoiding me

It kills me and yet it keeps me going

And I don't know how much can keep

Letting you unravel me

'Cause the more you learn the more we share

We were worlds apart and you see

It was so much easier to be

'Cause now I know what we can't have and it's so unfair

So yea...

I'm done asking the why's and how's and even who. Its all leading no where.

I start moving forward

And then it all changes

Past, present and future swirls

Who am I

A shift in what used to be

No thoughts of you that cloud my mind

I feel the comfort that I should

All an illusion

For now at least

There's nothing here but winters cold

Comfort from the dark abyss?

I believe I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to solidify who I am as a person. Maybe I'm having troubles accepting some of the things about myself that I can't change and I'm trying to change the things that I can. It is tough and the journey really is daunting. But maybe its necessary.

I never put much thought into it when it came to me not dating anyone for the past 2 years. And it occured to me that maybe its because I'm always shifting and changing as a person, and that people notice. It's difficult to like someone when you don't know who they really are. Not everyone likes a good puzzle. I enjoy solving people whom no one else can figure out, and I'm good at it. But if the potential for me to fall for the person I'm unravelling is so great then isn't that just as much a risk to me as it is to them?

Me and Gabe were saying that we switched personalities. I became comfortably aloof while he became unable to block out thoughts and theories. And we were both equally uncomfortable with that fact. In the past few months I've made sure I paid no attention to what was going on and stuff like that simply because I didn't want to care, and it's a lighter load for me to bear, but it is unsettling for me because its not who I know I am.

I'm like contradicting myself all over the place... But seriously though, I think I'm going through an identity crisis. Hahahaha....