I never though that I would feel so strongly for someone whom I barely know...It seemed impossible for me to miss you so much when you were here....But now that you're gone, I see that nothing is ever impossible...I never thought that someone could affect me so much that going by each day without him would be so difficult....But soon, I realised that everything is possible coz i'm not talking about some random guy, i'm talking about you...The one person whom i've always cared for. You're not just some ordinary guy to me...You're more than special...You are like the water and air in my life....I need you to get through this life.

I've tried to move on from here.I've tried to forget the joys and the pain we once shared. The memories of our love, still linger in the air that surrounds me. The many sleepless nights that I spent crying and mourning the death of your love......with no one by my side,and no one to comfort me. Sitting there all alone in no one's embrace. The days go by without me noticing as I wander aimlessly through that darkness that surrounds me. Without a guiding light or a star in the dark and enless sky above me. Trough the darkest of nights, I sit by the lake hugging myself. I tell myself that though you are no longer here with me, life is not totally worthless. But deep down,I know that I have nothing left to live for without you by my side. No love in my life, no hope left within my being. The useless life that I lead. But though there is nothing left for me to live for, I still can't bring myself to leave this life behind. I fear that the memories that we've made would all just fade away. I fear that the love that we once shared would no longer exist. I fear that my very being would cease to exist. I am made up of the love that we shared that even now, I am slowly fading away bacuse the love we once had was fading.

As the days went by, I wondered why you left me in such a hurry. Everyday I sit my the very same lake that we met at, just so that I could feel your presence and feel close to you. And one day as I sat there reminicing in our love that has passed, I heard someone call out my name..I turned around only to see you standing there behind me. Looking down at me and smiling. How I missed your smile. You told me not to despair, that you would always be with me no matter what happened. You said that as long as I lived, our love would still exist.You told me to be patient, that one day we would see each other again. You tole me that you loved me....And slowly you layed a kiss upon my cheek...And slowly I woke up. A dream....Everything had been a dream. You weren't really here with me....You didn't really say those words to me....It was all just a dream.

When I got home that very night, I saw a flower layed on my bed with a card beside it. It read,"Our love will never die. I still love you...Even more than before. Love you forever" It was then that I realised that I really had seen you. That you really said those words by the lake.

It is only now that i realise that I am lost when you are gone...That without you, it is more difficult to walk the right path. It was the light of your love which guided me through the darkest of nights. It was your touch that cleared my vision. With each loving embrace, you mended my broken heart. But now that you're gone, life just seems so empty.....So lonely. Life felt worthless....I always thought that you would never leave me....I always thought that I would have you in my life....My guiding light. And now as I walk in the darkness and wander aimlessly, I sit any wish that you were here with me right now...I wished that we never fought over such trivial things...I wished you had stayed in this world with me....So many wishes....But yet so few fulfilled...Everything that I wished you and me could be didn't seem possible...It always seemed too difficult to do...Until that every first embrace. Your sweet embrace that sent me soaring high up....But the harsh words that were exchanged....The words that brought me crashing down to earth.Oh how I wish those words were never exchanged in the first place. I miss being in your sweet embrace....I miss the warmth of your love...But most of all, I miss your healing touch. You rarely see the hurt that breaks my very essence...But when you do, your touch seems to heal all the brokenness that tears me up inside. But now that you are gone, who is there left to mend my brokenness?? Who else is there?? Who else has the same healing touch that you do?? Your smile, your laughter, your heart and your touch.....How I wish that you were here to give me all that....But its not the end of the world....I still feel your presence....And the memories that linger in the air that surrounds me gives me the strength to live each and everyday. Your love still lives with me....Its still in me...And I hope that you can feel my love too....The love that I've been trying to show you.

Youth mass today was fun....Jessica sounded great(naturally) hahaz.....she did better than all the solos that i've ever done in the youth ministry....and cantor ministry and CD choir. So congrats congrats!!! Hahaz....Ok....Youth mass is always a joyous occasion....But when its over and you're left thinking, you actaully think more than usual. So now comes the story....Hahaz...

So yet another day has passed....I see your face, I see you standing there...I notice you but you barely notice me. Though it doesn't hurt that much, the pain from other times come back to haunt me. I've thought so many thoughts that nothing seems real anymore....You don't seem real. Its like you've been taken out of a fairy tale and put in this place and time where nothing is ever perfect...But then I see you....And to me, you are perfect because I've accepted your flaws, I've tried working through our differences....Nothing seems to work....We come from two completly different worlds...You've come from a fairy tale world....And I come from this imperfect world....A world where everyone has flaws...Even you....Maybe in your world you were perfect, with absolutely no flaws at all....But in this world, everyone is not spared from having flaws. I sit there and try to slavage whats left of our relationship....But nothing works...I sit there trying to think of what i've done wrong....What have I done to make you feel this way towards me??? I am sorry....I find a way to appologise.....But words fail me....I try to tell you that I love you....But my mouth refuses to move...I try to show you that I care.....And finally....My body lets me....The simple action that says a thousand things....A hug.....That was all I needed from you....And you cared enough to show me that you cared....It is now that I see that you've tried to care....And maybe it was my fault for making things so difficult for you....Or maybe I was being too dense....Maybe all this while you've been trying to show me that you really cared about me....Maybe you didn't know how to show it...But you finally did....Another day came....I was alone....Sitting and thinking about how things could have been....And how I should be thankful that it still might happen because it is better than what could never be at all....I thought about how the more I learned about you, the more I cared for you and the deeper I fell in love with you....And suddenly, I felt a light tap on my shoulder....Slowly I turned.....Only to look into the eyes of an angel....You....You have always been the angel which has always broken my fall even when I felt that you weren't there...The warmth of your love was like the heat from the sun to me...The softness of your touch....It was all becuase you really cared....It is now that I am sent soaring high above the skies....Singing and shouting for joy....For the new found relationship....

So right now its actually Saturday....Youth Mass day....But its like Friday to me coz i'm still not asleep....So some of my friends thought that my previous entry was very good and they could sense the emotion....Unfortunately i can't always write like that....I'm not that good a writer. Today had sports day....Stupid event. Pracice was good....Jessica is doing Gabrina's solo....Didn't see ...... in church today....Didn't really care...Nicholas and Tony treated us to supper today at Cartel.

I can't think of anything creative to say.....Life is never how it seems to be...Though at times we may say that its easy, its never what meets the eye. Love may not always be good...It maybe as painful as death. Nothing is ever as it seems. No one is ever who they appear to be. We are all hidden behind our masks....We're in a never ending masqureade.No one wants to take of their masks to show who they really are deep inside. The words " I Love You" can be used in so many different situations....Love is complicated...Great tolearance is needed.Something that I lack. But I also see that love has different ways of expressing itself. No one knows what form it'll take next. I thought that love was you. But I was terribly wrong. All that happened was that I got hurt. I fell so quickly for you that I forgot that no one would be there to catch me when I fall. A love that blossomed so quickly, fades just as quickly....Maybe even quicker. Where do I go from here? Your guiding presence is no longer here by my side. I'm lost in this darkness....Until I see a hand reaching out to me....Once again it is you...I was hurt so many times by you but still I come running back to you....What is it about you that makes my heart skip a beat everytime i think of you?? Is it really love that I feel??Or is it just a way for you to get what you want from me?? Why don't you answer my questions? Don't you see how lost I am? Don't you feel how disconnected I am from everything that surrounds me??? Why are you so ignorant?? So self absorbed and you only care for yourself and no one else....And yet you still can tell me that you care for me....Do you really mean it?? I've heard you say is one too many times....And I've gotten my heart broken each time. I don't wanna bear the pain and suffering all the days of my life. And I don't wanna live a life built on lies....I'm sick and tired of all the lies....I don't wanna hear them anymore. I just wanna be away from all of it....Away from your presence...But yet I can't tear myself away from you....Why is that so??? Why do I always run back to the one who has hurt me the most?? Is it really that difficult to part with someone who has hurt me time and time again?? I try running again....But yet again, darkness surrounds me....But this time, I see a saving light. The light that has always been guiding me...But I was too blind to see....My clouded vison has now been cleared since the light appeared....No longer will I run to you...But I shall run towards my dreams.

Do I Love You Or Do I Hate You?? A question that has been running through my mind ever since the day I met you. My endless search for love came to a close when our eyes met. But does that mean that I love you?? When you hurt,I hurt....But you never seem to care about how I feel.....Does that mean that you don't care??I am angry with you everytime you don'y speak to me...But does that mean that I hate you?? You know that I care for you. I've told you many a times. I told you that it didn't matter if you spoke to me or not....Because everythin I do is just to show you how much I care for you.You told me that I was great. I took that as a compliment. It sent me rocketing up to the skys ....leaving me floating up in the clouds. But then you stopped caring. I felt the closeness and the caring die away. And I come plumbiting back to earth. With my heart sinking faster than anything else in this world. I reached out to you....To let you know that I was falling....But when I came back to earth....I fell into the arms of no one. No one there to catch me. No one to save me from my fall.I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces as I saw the blood rush to my eyes...Blindinig me....No one was there...No one cared...You were the one person I called out to...I called for your help....You didn't come....I thought that you actually cared....But now I see that I was wrong....And just like that my love for you died....And I mourned its death as I died. I no longer knew if you had a heart to care. The ver first time our eyes met, I knew that you could care.....But as the days went by, the care that I saw in your eyes was replaced by something different....Something that made you seem inhuman. You no longer care for anyone else but yourself. O, how you have decieved me with you charm and your smile...No longer will I see you smile of hear your laugh. My heart aches as I think of this...But I no longer want to torment my weak and fraile heart.

But how do I go on from here?? There is no one by my side to help me through the way....But then a hand reaches out to me....And guides me towards my destination....And soon, I am no longer blinded by blood....I am now surrounded by love....By the love of the people whose death I have mourned...The overwhelming love that surrounded me....Now I know that I never really needed your love....The only kinda love I needed was God's love.It is now that I see that I have never been alone....I have always been surrounded by love....But I was too blind to see....And now my vision has been cleared....

After so long, I finally get a call!!!! From none other than my sotong mother( Joyce from choir) Hahaz....I miss her so very very very much.....Didn't see much of her when she was in sunny Singapore....Didn't know that she was sick when she left Singapore either.....Once again, I apologise for not attending the farewell lunch at ur house ok???? Was busy....Plus it was very last minuite for me coz I was only told on the day itself....So it was difficult for me to cancel my other plans......

Anyways....My sotong mother tells me to study hard....Hahaz....And that sh'ell write letters to me and she'll try calling me at least once a week....It was so good to hear from her....I was wishing for her to come online so we can talk crap and other senseless stuff.....And she called me!!! So fun....

I miss her joking ways and the way she always manages to crack jokes when she's down...Or even when she's crying and all of us cry along with her....She never ceases to amaze me....

I aspire to be a sotong!!! Hahaz.....I miss having mindless conversations with her....Hahaz....Anyways, I've got to go.....Hahaz....Grandmother's nagging on my head for me to eat...Hahaz.....Ciao

My life is becoming more insane as the seconds tick by. Things never cease to get crazy. My love life is worse....If I even have a love life....Or if it still exists....I think its decaying...Hahaz....Finally....Humor in my blog....After a long while....But its not to last for a long time.....There really isn't much for me to laugh about nowadays....Especially with such nonsense that goes through my mind every minuite of every hour of every day....Unrequited love.....How funny it seems when it is happening to someone else....But how painful it is when it happens to u....Hahaz.....Well....I shall suck it up and get over it....Move on,woman! I think thats what Shane would say....Hahaz.....The idiot who has no brain....Hahaz.....And who can't cook....And who keeps me up until goodness knows what time in the morning.....And who i might one day kill....Hahaz....

Everytime I chat online....Another idiot refuses to reply.....So I shall learn to be tolerant of such fools.....Hopefully i don't turn into a fool like him....I like being knowladgeable....Even though i can't spell for nuts.....I don't like being fooled....Nor do I like being toyed with coz i'll most probably tell u to go screw urself...As what i say to a lot of ppl who talk crap....Maybe with the exception of my best friend....At least i'm able to tolerate her crappy ways....

I shall try to stop being so rash and I shall learn to consider how my actions will affect others.....Especially the ppl I see every Friday night....Lets all hope and pray that I'll learn to be tolerant and stay with you guys and gals....Its not always as easy as it seems....I know that....Nothing is ever as easy as it seems....Kinda learned that a looooooonnnnnnnngggggggg time ago....

I've got to go....Byez.....Take care....Adios....Ciao....

You walk around
With your head held high
You walk around
In winters cold

You search for an answer
The answer to a question
Thats burning right through your mind
And right through your heart

You're searching
Through the darkness that surrounds you
You're searching
Through the pain thats all around

Every hour of the day
You see nothing but the darkness
Everything's out of reach
You don't feel the same

You're drowning in this darkness
With each passing minuite
You're choking in the pain and suffering
That clings to your heart.....


To be continued.....

Everyone welcomes the holidays...I on the other hand dread them.It all just means that I have a lot of time on my hands to think and ponder on a whole lot of things that can and will hurt me.

Its so weird...We know when something can possibly hurt us and would most probably hurt us....But yet, we still go after it. But when there's something that may not hurt us and deep down we know that it won't hurt us at all, we run towards the one thing that hurts us the most. Its like an addiction that we really just can't kick the habbit.

We just don't want to move on though all that is being done to us by this something or someone whom we care for is being hurt. Its irritatingly true about me especially.

I rarely see past someones good qualities into who they really are becuase I choose not to accept that part of them because I know that they can always be better. Its all up to them. If they want to be better. Caring for someone doesn't mean that you just care about them only when you see them. A lot of ppl find me irritating with my constant messages of how was ur day and how r u...But its my way of showing concern and care to the people who I really care for. But some of them don't see it that way....And thats how most of my friendship ends coz it shows me how much the person really can care....And....I will try for some time....And keep getting hurt constantly but I still won't give up...Until finally oneday, something within me snaps and I just stop caring...

When someone turns down an act of care or concern, it just feels like as if i've been slapped so hard....That i just refuse to wake up....And somehow, I always end up blamming myself that deep down I know isn't my fault.

I guess its just the way I am...But i know that at times it may be irritating....Just tell me if its irritating and i'll just stop....You don't ever have to talk to me ever again....But always know that I do care....No matter what...

I Never....

I never knew that life could get so complicated
Nor did I know that my heart could ever love someone so much.
I never knew my heart could break
Even before a relationship starts.
I never thought that I could love a guy so much
That it'd hurt so bad just to keep it inside.
I never thought that my heart would be broken again,
Until I met you.
But now I know that anything is possible,
Because I'm talking about you.

See The Signs,Read The Signs

You know that I love you
But how can I be sure
That you love me too

Can't you see the signs
They're right in front of you
Can't you read the signs
Saying that I love you

Things got so complicated
When I thought I was wrong
About the way you felt for me
Cause I don't wanna change
Just because you want me to

But can't you see the signs boy
They're right in front of you
Can't you read the signs
Saying that I love you

What if I am right
What if you feel the same
Who's to know
If you love me so
Can you tell me if you do

But can't you see the signs boy
They're right in front of you
Can't you read the signs
Saying that I love you

Please tell me that you see the signs
Please tell me that you can read the signs
Cause I can't make it clearer
That I love you

How much can someone hurt you.....Before you retaliate? You try to think that everything is ok....You always act like as if nothing is wrong...But you never see that what you do to me is killing me inside. The tiniest of things can be taken the wrong way and can be misinterpreted....And when that happens, you hurt me without knowing it. The words that leave your mouth when you talk to me at times hurts me more than you will ever be able to imagine.

The lies that you spout can hurt anyone and everyone. But you just don't realise. Everytime I see you my heart just sinks coz I know that i'll never be with you. I know that deep down your heart belongs to someone else. I feel my heart breaking everytime I see your smile, everytime I hear you voice and everytime I feel you near. Everytime you enter my mind...Its like as if I'm being stabbed repeatedly.

How can you hurt me so much and not know it. How blind can you possibly be?? How can I be hurt by you so much...But yet not bring myself to wipe you out of my life??Why do I put myself though all this pain and misery just to be around you and to hurt myslef constantly.

Maybe one day you'll see that I really love you...No matter how much you've put me though. Or maybe i'll just die trying...

The Love I Had For You

I've loved you for so long
Were you too blind to see
Even when we siad our goodbyes
I still loved you even then

But you left me all alone
You though the lonve i had for you
Was gone

I've always been here
Standing right infront of you
Waiting for you to see
The love I had for you

But you turned your back on me
You chose to leave our love behind you
But I'm not giving up right now
Not after how much I've given up for you

I know that one day you'll see
The love I have for you
That just keeps growing stronger each day
Just for you.

Its amazing how one person who's going through some tough times can affect you....How do you help someone so close to you when they feel lost....When you yourself don't know the way? Its like the blind leading the blind.....And i don't want to get someone who is already lost to have to go deeper into something so confusing that they may not come out sane.

Where do I go from here....The is only so much that i can do....The rest is up to him.....If he trust me enough for him to allow himself to use me as a pillar of strenght and comfort....Or to just have me as a shoulder to cry on....I'm always here....Willing to help no matter what happenes....I always care even if i may not know you well....Its in my being to care and to help someone who is in dire need of comfort or strenght or just a listening ear.

I will never turn away someone who needs help....Its apparent in the people whom i've helped....I'll stay up all night to talk if you ever need me....You can ask anyone....If I miss your call because I was doing something, i will still call back even though you just wanted to ask something that may be insignificant to you....But everything which concerns your well being is significant to me....I will reply every message even if it is silly....Its in my blood to help those around me.

No matter what happens to you or me, there is always someone to help....It may not be someone we know....But i may be someone whom GOD has sent to us....You never know unless you open up and let someone into your heart.

Its amazing how one person who's going through some tough times can affect you....How do you help someone so close to you when they feel lost....When you yourself don't know the way? Its like the blind leading the blind.....And i don't want to get someone who is already lost to have to go deeper into something so confusing that they may not come out sane.

Where do I go from here....The is only so much that i can do....The rest is up to him.....If he trust me enough for him to allow himself to use me as a pillar of strenght and comfort....Or to just have me as a shoulder to cry on....I'm always here....Willing to help no matter what happenes....I always care even if i may not know you well....Its in my being to care and to help someone who is in dire need of comfort or strenght or just a listening ear.

I will never turn away someone who needs help....Its apparent in the people whom i've helped....I'll stay up all night to talk if you ever need me....You can ask anyone....If I miss your call because I was doing something, i will still call back even though you just wanted to ask something that may be insignificant to you....But everything which concerns your well being is significant to me....I will reply every message even if it is silly....Its in my blood to help those around me.

No matter what happens to you or me, there is always someone to help....It may not be someone we know....But i may be someone whom GOD has sent to us....You never know unless you open up and let someone into your heart.

U know, there are just times when someone whom you really care about....Is going through some tough times. And the person really knows that you care for him but they still refuse to open up...Maybe its because they're not that familliar with you...But you know that you can help them...But you just don't know how to because they don't tell you whats troubling them.

And its so painful to just watch them suffer...And it really affects you deeply. Especially when you have to look them in the eye so often and see the pain and confusion there. It just hurts me a lot to see the people around me whom I care about so much suffer. And maybe they don't feel right to complain to me about their problem or something like that, but i know that its what i can do to help them. And I really love helping people who just need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. I could listen to someone everyday and not be angry because i know that they need me or at least someone to be there to listen to them. But they refuse to open up.

They don't know that it hurts me...They think that they're doing me a favor...But they don't see that they're affecting me. Especially the person whom I might really love. Who knows.

But they don't notice that little things like not replying a message for 3-4 days can hurt someone.

But whatever.... Its they're lost....I get hurt....But when they finally realise what they've lost...They'll be more hurt than i ever will be

Freda Kay
Republic Polytechnic Biomedical Sciences
2nd Oct


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