I wish I could say that I am that friend who is always there for you.
But it seems like no matter how much I want to, you've shut that door.
Nothing but the passing hellos and goodbyes.
I look at you and think that life hasn't been fair.
Someone like you shouldn't have been dealt that horrible hand.
I needed you to need me as a friend,
Because for a long while, that was what defined me as me.
I was the girl who was friends with the people who never opened up to anyone.
I made people like that open up to me.
But now it seems that I can't be that person anymore.
Its like life's telling me that its not who I'm supposed to be.
Who then am I supposed to be?
You've always understood me more than I've understood myself
Can you help me?
I feel like all the time, I'm making things worse.
If I can't help, then why am I here?
I feel this pull that I can't get away from.
You hold me without touch
You keep me without chains
How do you do that?
Its not that I don't want to be here
Its that I don't know what I'm doing here anymore.
I used to have a purpose
I used to be driven
But now I just stare at an empty void of what used to be when I look at myself in the mirror
The kinda friends we were, you can't find that anywhere
No one reads my mind the way you do
I used to be able to see right through you
But now I don't even see you
And once again, that mask goes on.
For both me and you.
To the people who read my blog and actually know me, this is not about some random new guy or anything like that. My posts for the past year has been about the same person. All the time. Its not easy. But heck, lifes a bitch. I'm not in love, not romantically at least, just the love you share with friends. Apparently I've a huge issue with things like that. Haha.
I think that for now I'll just live my life and be happy, I keep saying it. I don't know if it'll be true, but I think that its for the best. I can feel that I already feel happier and more willing to live.
This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
No hope, no love, no glory
No happy ending
This is the way that we loved
Like its forever
We'll live the rest of our lives
Just not together
I really wonder how true that is. Being able to love someone and loving someone and yet not being able to be with that someone. I don't know. Just seems like the way the world has always been for me. I don't regret my actions in the past. Maybe I resent my thoughts now, but eventually it'll change I guess. I hope that I'll return to the girl who could put aside her needs and wants and concentrate on others so she can help them again. Maybe thats the only thing I actually regret in my whole entire life. Turning my friends away. The realization has just hit, I'm not the good friend, I'm the toxic one. Maybe I see myself too clearly. Or rather I think I see myself too clearly.
I thank the people who always keep me grounded. My family, Claudia, Jolin, Gabe, Emman. Things wouldn't be the same if I didn't have these people in my life.
Why does it always seem like I'm being stabbed in the heart?
Everything I read or listen to echoes the way I feel.
"Its mind over matter," some people would say.
But I think not.
How can something not for me feel like it is?
My conscious mind knows that the things I see, hear or read aren't meant for me
My subconscious mind takes everything into account and eventually I feel that stabbing pain.
Is this the life I was meant to lead?
Everyone seems to be moving on so easily
Living their lives
And I feel like I'm not letting myself move on
That I'm the one who's making myself stuck here
I wonder if its because I haven't learned what I was supposed to
I wonder if this is how my life is supposed to be
The plastic facade
I remember how I used to smile everyday because it was how I genuinely felt
But now I wake up in the morning dreading how the way will turn out
Wondering if I'll be able to keep my emotions in check
Wondering who will be my unfortunate victim for that day
Is it so wrong to want the things that I want?
I feel like I awake every morning with a heavy heart
I feel like I'm turning into that empty void again.
The one who existed rather than lived.
Why am I doing this to everyone again?
How do I tell people that I can't move on?
How do I explain the tears?
Sometimes I sit and think about the hand that life has dealt us.
There are days whereby I'm so thankful to have the things and people in my life.
And then there are days whereby I look back and only see the destruction that I left behind.
If there was one thing in the world that I could take back, would be me telling you that I liked you.
Because you'll always and forever be in my heart as a friend.
You're most probably the only friend I've ever lost.
And to you, it may seem like its not lost, but I don't know if we're even still friends.
I miss being there for you.
And I miss you being there for me.
Sometimes it seems like no one else understands nowadays especially.
I miss the times when you would genuinely look at me and say you understood.
Then you'd hug me and call me silly.
I miss your hugs.
They always made me feel like things were more bearable.
I keep trying to find someone who could replace you
But there's no one out there that knows me like you do.
I keep telling myself that its best to move on,
But I keep sitting here wondering what will happen to our friendship.
I put on that smile that you say looks fake everyday.
Honestly, I can't wait for the day when I see you smile my fave smile, the one that lights up your eyes.
As a friend, thats all I can hope for.
To see you truly happy and know that no matter what I'll always be a friend here for you.
Many sleepless nights have followed since that crazy day.
Nights whereby I'd think of everything that I've got in my life
Every person who's made and impact in my life
And then my thoughts settle on you
And I just fall apart
Because never once have I lost someone so dear to me
And I know that it was all my fault.
I confessed, I picked the fights, I ignored you first.
It seems that its all my fault.
And sometimes I don't know how to face the world.
And then I remember you saying something about plastering on that smile and just facing the world.
I wasn't lying when I told you that you're a friend I wouldn't forget even if I wanted to.
You're the only one I've said it to ever.
Thats not a lie.
I've never said that to anyone else ever.
And I really do miss you my dear friend.
You gave me the comfort no one else could give.
You made my burdens lighter.
You're a better friend that you give yourself credit for babe.
I promise you that.
I already miss my bestie and Jolin and Gabe. Thursday I'll see Gabe. I'll get to hang out with Bev too. Me wonders what I'm going to do tomorrow. Yes, for a marvel, Freda doesn't feel the need to vent because she's been venting the whole day. Though right now, she still feels a little emo.
I don't think that I've lost a friend, just that we've placed walls to block each other out. I'm willing to tear down the walls if you are my dear friend. I'm just waiting for your word. I miss you. I miss being able to tell you everything. I so want to tell you about this random guy that I like knowing that you'll either call me a bitch or crazy or something to that extent, you might call me something else as well, but I don't think I'll state it here in the blog. But yea, I miss the old times when I could tell you anything. Still thinking of you, even though I know the best thing to do would most probably be to continue living my life as if nothing happened because honestly, I don't think you really bother too much about not talking to me. You've always been a fairly heartless bastard, but then again I've always been the girl who made crazy people her friends.
I miss you, my dear "old" friend :), Emmanuel Noel...RAWR. Haha
Today I met up with my best friend in the whole wide world (Earth), Claudia Tay. Everything that I've been bursting to tell her, I finally got the chance. I got my best friend to myself for the entire afternoon. I thank her for all the things that she's said to me over the past, 14 years that I've known her. Good or bad, she's always there to tell me as it is. As my patience starts wearing thin, I'm thankful that God has placed Claudia in my life to keep me sane, Claudia and my family and Jolin have helped keep me sane, Gabriel as well. With everything thats going on and the whirlwind of emotions that keeps drowning me, I'm thankful that I've got all these people to keep me afloat.
Life keeps throwing me curve ball after curve ball and I keep trying to avoid it, but maybe the best solution is to face it head on. I keep trying to run away from things like, friends, and school and IG, but maybe the best thing to help all this is to just tell it as it is. No censorship especially to those who are directly involved. I keep sugar coating everything.
Claudia said that I've crappy taste in guys, that though I fall for musicians, I always fall for those who have problems or are problematic. Gabriel agrees, saying that I'm a sucker for such guys. And come to think of it, I agree. I've never like not fallen for someone who plays a musical instrument and has problems with family, friends or ex-es. I think I'm a magnet for such guys. But hopefully things get better for me.
I mean, although I feel that my life is not ready for me to date someone, I want to eventually have someone to love and have someone love me the same way I love them. And although I know that love isn't a 50-50 thing, I just hope that it will be somewhere close to that because honestly speaking, I don't think my heart can take much more pain. I know that I'm stronger that I think I am, and that I've withstood so many trials and tribulations, but there is always a limit to anything. I know that my life is not incomplete just because I don't have a significant other, but having a significant other would add another dimension to my already full life, which honestly, I don't mind at all. It just makes my life that much more balanced. And I think now that I'm more open with my family, I'm reaching the point in my life where maybe I will find the right person who is willing to work though the many difficulties that being with me will entail.
I know that there's no such thing as Mr. Perfect, but I know that at the end of the day when push comes to shove, it will always be God first, family next, then friends, then my significant other and finally everything else. Ministry work and prayer life will always be number one in my books, though sometimes I may lose sight of that. My family will always come after God but before everything else, because they're my family, they are the ones who will always be there to catch me when I fall and dust me off and set me on the right track again. And the handful of true friends that I have, I'm ever thankful, they're people whom I wouldn't compromise to make someone else happy. My significant other will come before my other work because I can always find something else to do because I know I'm good in what I do. I can always bend my time around other people, I always do that anyway, so adding another person will just mean more time management. I pray that when God sends me someone, He sends someone who is willing to work and compromise with me and my schedule and that I will gain the patience and understanding to do the same for him, whoever he may be :)
I guess, what made me think of all this is coming to the realisation that all my friends close ones and not so close ones all have found a fairly significant other. And even though I'm happy for them, I can't help but feel envious of them because they've got someone other than their family and friends who cares about them as much if not more than they care for the other. Hmmmm...but I believe when the time is right, I'll find the right one, or rather God will send me the right one :) I think God understands that my heart can't take much more pain. Especially with everything that's' happened this year. Me thinks that me heart still needs time to completely mend.
God bless to whoever is reading this :)
xoxo