Saturday, May 24, 2008 @Saturday, May 24, 2008
I think being anti-social is like the best thing in the whole entire world. People don't get that currently, I am serious about my work. I don't like getting B's and C's. I like doing well. And if they'ev ever been where I've been in life, they'd understand why that is so. I choose to be alone. And if at the end of the day no one likes me in school, so be it. I've still got my family, and my best friends. I am different, I know. Maybe not in a good way to some of the people in school, I may appear arrogant, too full of myself, snobbish, obnoxious and well, the list just continues. But honestly, I don't really care. Everything I do in school, is just a mask I wear. They haven't seen what I've been through. And I'm not talking about love life and such. Sure, you guys have had tough family situations from time to time, I have to. It doesn't mean that because I live in East Coast and live in a Condo that I have no problems. If anything, I believe that although we don't worry much about the material stuff, its still a struggle in other ways.
I don't consider people my friends very easily because I know that we are all capable of backstabbing, and to some people, it just comes way too easily. I can care for so many people, but at the end of the day, who are the ones who will really be there for me? I know that in Poly, I won't make that many life time friends. In fact, I haven't made any lifetime friends who are in the same school as me. Friends like Claudia, Jolin, Camille and Gabriel are the ones who I know will always be there for me. Sure they won't drop everything that they're doing and come for me when times get rough, but I know that they will help. I know that they are the one's who will be there with my family when times get rough. I don't need that many friends because I've got such a close family. Thats why I love being with them, I love being with my friends and being able to talk to them and my family about anything and everything. Thats what makes my life such a joy, what makes my life so fun and exciting and enjoyable. My life, is not an open book, I'm not an open book. To the people who know me well, they'll be able to tell when I'm sad, angry or anything, even when I've got my most convincing smile on and everyone else believes that my life is just a bed of roses.
I know I sound like a spoilt brat. I know I like having things my way. But I am still learning. Learning to compromise with the people in my life. The people who don't know that I'd rather suffer than to make them sad or upset. I'd rather I suffer than to have so many others suffer. Loads of people don't understand that. I am the way I am because of the experiences I've gained thoughout my short 16 + years of living on this earth. Nothing has come easy. I know so much because I've gained that much. I'm not smart, I don't act smart, I talk about the things I know. About the things I want to know. But I'll never take it as absolute truth that I know everything, because I know that there are things that I still don't know. Things that in time, I will know.
To the people in school who may be talking about me behind my back, just come right out and say it. I don't really care. Its too tiring to care about people who don't have the guts to just come right out and say what they want to say. I'm way too tired to play this silly little game. And I think that we should all just be brutally honest with each other. I don't really care 'cause I've been stepped on so much in my life, that I know I'll be able to pick myself up again and just move on. It'll make no difference in my life.
@Saturday, May 24, 2008
So I think that my life is boring as hell. Considering that I've completed almost 7 books this month alone. Doesn't that just show you how sad my life is? Yea. Fave books so far out of the 7 would be Dear John by Nicholas Sparks, The Abortionist Daughter by...someone, Maximum Ride: The Angel Experiment by James Patterson. Hahaz.
School's been getting boring, same thing, same faces everyday. I think I'm someone who is very difficult to please. There's always something I'm complaining about. But thank GOD for people like Claudia Tay! My best friend for 13 years and counting. (Gosh, I feel old) She doesn't mind my complaining. I think the best thing that a best friend can hear from their best friend, is the complaining. Though it gets irritating, at the end of the day, you'll be glad that you were the one that they told. You'll be happy that they view you as someone who can help them. And I love that feeling.
Babe, don't give up hope alright?! You know what I'm talking about. At least I hope you do! Hahaz :P
I realised, that somehow, the phrases that really strike me when I'm reading a book, is often about life. But sadly, now I can't remember anything. Think my brain is spacing on me. Hahaz. But, love is not the feeling you get when you're with someone you are in love with, ts the feeling of being able to let them go so that they can be happy. Its about making other people happy even though you have to suffer. Its about being selfless. That is true love. True love, is unconditional. Its just like when I loved, and the one I loved was in love with someone else, but I loved him enough to let him go and be happy with her even though it killed me deep down inside. but, that was a very very long time ago.
People always say, "You're too young to know what Love is," or," Young people nowadays don't know the true meaning of love. All they know its the laughter." But I would beg to differ. I know what love is. To me at least. I've loved, maybe I've never been loved by people other than my family, but I've loved. I've loved someone so much that it didn't matter what happened, as long as they were happy. I'd go to the ends of the earth to bring them anything and everything that would satisfy their hearts desire. I'd give them anything that they love, even if it wasn't me. I know that love is filled with pain. Its like the two are one. But yet, the sometimes belong on the opposite end of the spectrum. It may kill you to see the one you love, happy loving someone else. But thats what you do. You endure the pain because you love.
I don't know if I'm making any sense right now. I've just been so affected. Goodness knows why. Actually, I think loads of my close friends would know why.
ANYWAYS! Thanks Claudia! Its been a long long while since we hung out and just talked like we did at Starbucks. Jolin should have been there!! JOLIN OH!! Please reply our msg-es! If there are any problems, please call us! Same thing goes for you too Claud! We'll see how far we can take this friendship alright? Though I think it'll last till the end of time!! See....so quickly, 13 years have flown past our eyes!
Sunday, May 11, 2008 @Sunday, May 11, 2008
Homesick by MercyMe
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
I don't know where my heart is so I don't know where's home. But I pray that God gives me strength to live and go through each passing day and that my life is following the path in which He has already placed before me. Lord, I need you now more than ever. Be my comfort, my rock and my strength.
@Sunday, May 11, 2008
So many goodbyes have been said. And all I hear is my heart breaking. I don't understand why. But I know I feel my heart breaking. I've held the tears and pain in for so long, that I no longer can contain it. It's starting to pour out of me like a waterfall that has a never ending source. That kinda describes the tears to. Everyone who just met me sees me as this happy go lucky girl who gets everything she wants. That the price doesn't matter. Sure, I get loads of material things from my parents. But I've lost so many, cried so much, and felt so much pain that even the most expensive gift cannot take away. The cross is mine to bear, I know. But never in a million years would I have thought that it would be so heavy. I never thought that I wouldn't have the strength to carry it on my own.
People see me and think that I've got an easy life. That I get anything and everything I want. And that I've gone through nothing to upset my life. They don't know the kinda things I've seen with my own two eyes. They don't understand that I am the person I am because of the trials I've gone through. Sure, to some adults, they're just very light and trivial things to be put through, but most adults fail to see that I went through the things I've gone through at a very early age. They see me and ask me why I'm so worried, so troubled. They say I shouldn't worry about such things at this young age. But they don't know that I have already seen what can happen if I don't do certain things in my life, if I don't plan for where I'll be in the future.
Currently, I don't know where I'm going to be. I don't know what career I want to have. I don't want to end up like someone who doesn't enjoy their life. I know that I can be happy and contented in whatever I choose to do, but I don't want to just lead a normal life. I guess I crave attention at times, but its not like I have nothing else to do in my life. I do loads with my life. It just happens that besides school and my family, music is all I've got. And I share that with my friends. I love singing. I get loads of attention singing, sometimes, unwanted attention. But its not like I lack the attention. I love people and some people love me or they hate me. And it doesn't really make that much of a difference to me. For every one person who hates me, someone else will love me.
So far this year hasn't really been my year. First Lucky had to be put down. And then Camille's granddad passed away so I started feeling sad because my wing felt sad. And now, Kells and Trist and Kaits are going away. They're moving to Manchester with Emma and my Godpa.
I pray that things work out for them there. Sure I'll miss them even though I don't really spend much time with them and I don't get to see them that often, its always a comfort knowing that their near. But now they'll be far away, I'll miss Kells and Trist and even Kaitlin. She's the youngest of the lot. But I'll still miss her even though she was like deathly afraid of me when she was younger. She's a cute little girl. I grew up with Kells and helped bring Trist up when he was a baby. And I'll miss my Godpa too. I never really got to see him that much as I started secondary school. I remember him bringing me out for my 12th birthday. I never got the chance to be truly truly close to him and thats just sad. But I'm sure that they'll have a great life there. I know Kells will complain at first, but she'll get used to it and in time be happy and contented. I'm sure Trist will have a blast and so will Kaits. I wish them all the best and all the happiness in the world. Never thought I'd miss them this much even before they leave.
Friday, May 09, 2008 @Friday, May 09, 2008
I tucked the memories away
Far away in the back of a secret drawer
I locked it away
So no one can touch them
So I don't have to look at them
So I don't feel the pain
I thought that all these measures taken would help
I thought that the pain would subside
But then one day I felt it all crash down upon me
I felt the air in my lungs being pushed out
I felt my soul leave my body
They say that no one has ever died of a broken heart
But what if they had a broken spirit too
I'm falling apart
Nothing's holding me together.
I miss you so
I miss your words
I miss your face
I want you here
I need you here
You hold me together when things go wrong
You keep me safe and warm through this cold cold path that I'm on
I need you here by my side
I need to know that you still care
I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the sweet words you'd whisper into my ear.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008 @Wednesday, May 07, 2008
So I shall blog about the random mundane things that normal people usually blog about.
My school life's been kinda alright. Better than what I had expected it to be. Met a great bunch of people. They make the school day interesting and help me deal with the stress of the task at hand in school. At first I thought that I'd just die because school was so far away and I'd be too grouchy everyday to even bother with merry making, but suprise suprise, I haven't been that grouchy in school. Sure I get tired and irritable, but not to the extent that I used to. I'll upload pictures some other time.
To be terribly honest, I haven't been feeling that good. Life's been one mishap after the next. Lucky is gone. My dog is gone. And I still feel the pain. Its been a few weeks since he died. And I miss him so much. I told myself that I had to pull myself together, that school isn't the place for me to cry and deal with it all. But I feel myself falling apart.I know I've got a great bunch of friends in school. I know that they care. But I don't know if they can deal with this side of me. The person I appear to be with them, and the person I truly am, they're two completely different people. I feel myself taking so many steps back to who I used to be. I can feel that smile plastered on my face, that same smile that I stuck there when my world was in a mess. I've been holding in the tears for so long, I'm falling apart. Who will help put me back together this time? I need to leave behind someone so dear to me, someone who's always been there to put me back together again. I can't hold on to this dream in my mind that I know may never come true. If it really never happens, I don't know what will happen to my heart if I stay here and wait for it. I don't want to have to mend my heart once again. I've done it so many times.
Lucky, I miss you. I love you. Rest In Peace. I'm sorry.