Monday, January 26, 2009 @Monday, January 26, 2009
Acceptance. Something that's so difficult to give or to muster.
I've got to accept that things won't be the same.
I've got to accept that there is someone else for me.
I've got to accept that I shouldn't make that person wait.
I've got to accept that that person will not always be there.
I've got to accept that that person will never be you.
I've got to accept that I'm not the one for you.
I've got to accept that we're meant for greater.
I've got to accept that I have to
move on. Acceptance...Something I just can't muster.
I've got to accept that there's someone better for you.
I've got to accept that she's already in your life.
I've got to accept that she's a nice person no matter what.
I've got to accept that she's better for you that I'll ever be.
I've got to accept that she'll soon take my place.
I've got to accept that you might not be the friend you said you'd be.
I've got to accept that people don't always keep their words.
I've got to accept that you might be one of those people.
I've got to accept that I've been guilty of that too.
Acceptance.....It's just so elusive.
Can you accept all that?
If you can, can you help me try?
Am I asking for too much?
You get angry everytime I ask, so should I just suffer in silence?
I guess I was always right.
And people in my life were wrong about you.
I hope life treats you well my dear scandal.
Or maybe ex-scandal. I don't know anymore.
Please, enlighten me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009 @Sunday, January 25, 2009
I tucked the memories away
Far away in the back of a secret drawer
I locked it away
So no one can touch them
So I don't have to look at them
So I don't feel the pain
I thought that all these measures taken would help
I thought that the pain would subside
But then one day I felt it all crash down upon me
I felt the air in my lungs being pushed out
I felt my soul leave my body
They say that no one has ever died of a broken heart
But what if they had a broken spirit too
I'm falling apart
Nothing's holding me together.
I miss you so
I miss your words
I miss your face
I want you here
I need you here
You hold me together when things go wrong
You keep me safe and warm through this cold cold path that I'm on
I need you here by my side
I need to know that you still care
I miss the sound of your voice
I miss the sweet words you'd whisper into my ear.
Friday, January 23, 2009 @Friday, January 23, 2009
Run by Leona Lewis/Snow Patrol
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But ever single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you,dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for your lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say
To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear
Louder, louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak, I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say.
This song, though simple, says a lot. Its a sad hopeful song. I don't know to believe it or not, but for now, I will. It seems to give me comfort in this time whereby the one person I want, is the one person I know I must leave. For the sake of both of us. I can keep lying to myself and the people who don't know me really well, but I can't hide the fact that I really can't forget you even if I really want to right this instant. You told me once to just forget about you, and I really hope that I can eventually even though I gave you a huge long list of reasons why I can't. And right now, those reasons prove true because you keep running around in my mind! I want it to stop. I know you'll tell me that its all my choice. But in situations like this, you know for yourself, that its not a choice. It just happens. I never wanted something like this to happen....But it did. I told myself I wouldn't let it happen, but it did.
Thursday, January 22, 2009 @Thursday, January 22, 2009
What do you do when you just can't look away?
You follow and watch someone elses life and in the process forget to live your own.
You watch and follow to ensure that they don't make mistakes.
But in truth you're making the biggest mistake by not living.
We live like we've got eternity, but we die like we never lived.
Its a sad but true tale for this phase of my life.
I need to try to look away.
I need to try to live my life to the fullest.
I need to try to live like it were my last days.
To have plans for the future but never to forgo the things that make us live!
You're like an addiction.
An addiction that I just need to quit.
Help me do that.
Be my poision so I'll stay away.
Monday, January 19, 2009 @Monday, January 19, 2009
Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one I still got the seed
You said move on
Where do I go?
I guess second best
Is all I will know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes
You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center
How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's tonnes of fish in the water
So the waters I will test
He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I was looking into your
You're the best
And yes
I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go
And now
Now the lessons learnt
I touched it I was burned
Oh I think you should know
Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do
If you were the one who was
Spending the night
Oh I wish that I was looking into your
Your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your
Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door and take me away
No more mistakes
Cause in your eyes
I'd like to stay
Sunday, January 18, 2009 @Sunday, January 18, 2009
No one really reads this blog, so it doesn't matter much about what I type here. Though I don't really know why I bother still typing.
Anyways, I discovered something very random today......
I MISS DRAWING! I MISS HAVING INSPIRATION! I MISS SONGWRITING! I MISS COMPOSING!!I MISS WRITING STORIES! I MISS MY LOVE FOR THE PIANO! !!Oddly enough, I don't miss having someone to love in my life. The other day I was watching this video presentation that my dad made me watch, its called the interview with God.
There was something in there that said that We cannot make someone love us the way we want them to, all we can do is let somebody love us. And I completely agree with that! Its like we(or most people) spend so much time trying to make themselves someone whom people can love or make someone love them the way they wished that someone would love them, that they seem to forget that there are people in their lives already who do love them, just that they don't know how to show it.
I'm glad that God has shown me such things these past few weeks, and that He's really paved the way for me to become the leader I was born to be. For these few gifts, I'm ever greatful. I've always known that the path that lies before me will never be one that is smooth, but its a path filled with many pot holes and cracks, but at least I know that I'm not walking this path alone, though sometimes it may feel like I am, I know that God is always going to be beside me, sometimes He may take the form of a friend, sometimes it may seem like He's not there at all, but He is the wind that carries you forward.
I think that for today, I'm content with what I have. Anything more would be a blessing, and anything less would be something which I should learn from.
My moment of Clarity and Enlightment.
Friday, January 16, 2009 @Friday, January 16, 2009
My dearest friends,
This year will be one of great dificulty and challenges for each one of us. Be it in our personal life or our school or work life. We'll all be very busy and will find it hard to make time for ourselves, let alone our best friends. But fear not because as best friends, we'll understand the plight each one of us has and understand the difficulties in scheduling something as a group to just meet and catch up. Something that this year we won't be able to do very often.
I assure you that no matter what, I'll always be here. Call my name and I'll find you wherever you may be so that I may help. I have faith that all of us will do well in whatever we choose to persue this year. We'll be supporting each other from a distance. The support is all we need.
I thank all of you for always being there for me especially when I didn't seem to be able to make time for you guys. Thanks for always being there to hear my cries :)
Take care
God bless
I love you guys!
Thursday, January 15, 2009 @Thursday, January 15, 2009
I'll give you the time and space you need
You'll never be alone my dear,
Just remember that you've always got a friend in me
I'll be watching from afar
If you fall and choose to fall alone
Know that if you call I'll be there to help.
Till then my dear, take care.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009 @Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I was on the road to recovery when all this happened
When you walked back into my life
And all I could do was fall for you
Though I was just a listening ear
You made me feel like someone cared
I didn't want this to happen
I can't blame you for what has happened
But nor am I to be blamed
We were just two people who needed someone
You were that someone for me
And I was just a silly friend who'd listen to you
I thought that the friendship could stand this test
But looking at you now, I see it crumble
Maybe the foundation wasn't strong enough
Maybe life is pulling us in different directions
I don't know how to keep you as a friend
But I know deep within that I shouldn't try
Not because I don't care
But because its the best thing for both me and you
I remind myself to just stay away
But yet I keep checking to see if you've changed your mind
Not about us, but about the friendship
But it seems like your mind is made up
You're pulling away the way you did with the others
What hurts the most
Is that I always knew everything about you
But now is the time in which you choose to pull away
Never once before, but somehow this is different for you
I can't sit here and blame you for all thats happen
Even if my entire being screams for me to
I can't
You're the friend that I always needed
You were that friend
But now its my turn to pile the blame on myself
My thoughtless actions caused this rift between us
I don't want to lose you but I know its inevitable
You don't want to try to keep the friendship
And I just don't have the strength that I used to
I don't know if I've the strength to continue
But I know that I must use whatever I've left to try
To try and move on with my life
I keep telling myself to do so,
But my feet won't move
Here I stand rooted to this spot where my world crashed around me
I see myself building that wall that you helped pull down once before
Will you be there again to stop me?
I don't think so
You need that time to yourself
Maybe when you decide its time
I will be surrounded by that wall
And you won't have to worry or feel guilty
Cause then you won't see anything but the smile plastered on
Are we happy plastic people?
Thursday, January 08, 2009 @Thursday, January 08, 2009
I could apologise a thousand times and more, but still I know you'll find it hard to forgive me. I don't know how many times I'm going to place our friendship at risk, but all I can pray is that you'll forgive me and that you'll try and understand. I certainly don't. Its clear that I don't understand loads of things that are happening to me now. Its difficult not always having my friends there. Jolin, you've been an angel, always giving me a listening ear when I have one of my crazy moods like yesterday and the day before when i talked till I almost lost my voice.
I'm sorry Emman, I really can't help the things that I think most of the time. You confront me about some of the most silly things sometimes and I put up with it and try and convince you usually cause you do it in the day and I'm sorry that things like that only happen to me at night when you're most probably not in the best of moods to deal with my crazy problems and there's nothing more that I can say other than that I'm sorry. Its all I can say cause I can't think of anyhting else to say. It killed me inside to ask you that and I'm sorry.
All I do is keep hurting you and if thats all I'm ever going to do then I'll just walk out now. I keep doing things to make you angry to make you sad and to make you think of the silliest things and I'm sorry that I keep doing that to you. I'm more destructive to my friends that drugs. Things would most probably be better for you if I just left.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009 @Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Not every love story in life is a tragic one, but then very few have a happy ending too. Love is something thats always filled with ups and downs, but true love is unconditional. I don't know why I'm saying all this now, nor do I know what I'm saying it for and for whom, but I just feel the need to say all this.
I may not love now, the way people or someone wants me to, but still I love. It doesn't mean that the love is any weaker than it was before, or weaker compared to any other kind of love, just that its not the way you want it to be. You may not fall for me, but I'm thankful that you don't/didn't. For that one moment in time, I lost myself and you help make sure that I didn't make a huge mistake and I thank you for that. Never once would I have gotten angry at you for what happened because I let myself be vulnerable. Like I said before, this is the time for me to just walk away and find myself I guess, or learn more about what I already know.
You're not my here and now, I highly doubt you'd be my future either, which is why I know I've got to walk away. I'm not leaving you, I'm leaving what could've been. At least now I don't have to wonder because I tried. I leave this behind with no regrets. Both of us know that it won't work. What me and you need is time away from each other. And if in that time someone else takes my place, I can't be mad at you because you didn't know better. But I pray this friendship survives the test its about to be put through, or is going through.
My life is not ready for someone to love me. I don't feel the pain that I thought that I would, not because I don't feel strongly for you, I do, just that I decided to grow up and accept what I couldn't have and just leave it at that. Yes, I am saying all this for my benefit, and to help me move on, but there is a certain amount of truth to what I say.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009 @Tuesday, January 06, 2009
You by Ten2FiveYou did it againYou did hurt my heartI don't know how many timesYou I don't know what to sayYou made me so desperately in loveAnd now you let me downYou said you'd never lie againYou said this time would be so rightBut then I found you were lying there by her sideYou, you turn my whole life so blueDrowning me so deepI just can't reach myself againOh...You, successfully tore my heartNow its only piecesOh...Nothing left but pieces fo youYou frustrate me with this loveI've been trying to understandYou know I'm trying, I'm tryingYou said you'd never life againYou said this time would be so rightBut then I found you were lying there by her sideYou, you turn my whole life so blueDrowning me so deepI just can't reach myself againOh...You successfully tore my heartNow its only piecesOh, nothing left but pieces of you
@Tuesday, January 06, 2009
It took me awhile to realise that I should do my best to move on. Things that are not meant to be, I can't change, I've only the time to learn and pick myself up and go on with life. As I sit here and learn and regain the strenght that I've lost along the way, I know that life is passing by right this very moment, but I need this time to myself to learn who I am once again. The journey is not going to be an easy one, I know the road is paved with sadness, but yet I must walk that path to be who I am supposed to be. If through this time it seems like I'm not there, let it be known that if you call my name I'll turn and see you and I'll walk towards you to be your friend. There's nothing more that I can ask, but for your understanding that this time I need to do this for myself. But yet I know this point is for me and you to grow, be it apart or closer, its a time for both of us to grow up by ourselves. And if the world sees it fit, we'll be friends for much longer, but for now, we have to go our seperate ways to fulfil what we're here to do. Clinging on to things of familiarity gives us the comfort we need, but we shouldn't let that hamper our growth. I pray that you understand that I'm not leaving you, but I'm leaving this chapter of us behind so that both may grow. I'll stay away from your life as much as possible, you won't see me, but at least know that I'm there if you need me. This is not goodbye, its kinda like a see you later, only that its going to have to be much later. And if our friendship is as strong as we think it is, this will be no problem and we'll fall back into sync when the time is right. But like I said, our time is not now, this time we walk alone.
Monday, January 05, 2009 @Monday, January 05, 2009
I wish I could just turn back time and not regret anything that has happened or rather make wiser choices. Never once in my life have I created a problem for myself until recently. I wish that things were easy and that going back to the times when my heart was still whole and the burdens I bore were light would be as easy as snapping my fingers. Somethings in life just don't make sense.
I'll move on eventually. I'm sorry but I've got to step out of your life to move on with mine for now. Its what both me and you need right now. Time apart. Our friendship has stood the test of many trials, I pray that it'll survive this time.
Friday, January 02, 2009 @Friday, January 02, 2009
Have you ever placed yourself so far out there and just take a step out on faith, only to just tumble down with insecurities? I've never been someone filled with insecurities because I never had a reason to be insecure, but times like this, I really question where I stand and who I am to the people in my life. Its like an identity crisis because what makes you who you are, are the people in your life and how they've affected you and all those little things that have happened and the experiences gained forms this being that you call YOU, but yet sometimes you can't help but question who You are. I don't know, I haven't felt this way in a long time. I no longer know why I make the decisions I make. And that's something that really terrifies me. I don't want to make thoughtless decisions. I don't want to make decisions that I initially thought would give me a piece of mind only to find out that it drives me even more insane.
I've kept myself hidden from everything in my life just so I wouldn't have to feel this pain. Making how I feel known is a great step for me, and its a huge step that I've taken. And now I wonder why I made that decision to take that step. Why did I decide to take a leap of faith when I knew that I shouldn't, when I knew that the outcome would not be one that I desired, when I knew that my suffering would be worsened? Why did I listen to what other people said? This one time, and I feel like things are going so wrong. I've just changed something that I felt was so important, that I know is important, all for something that will not happen. I've never been this stupid in my whole entire life. Why now? What is it about you that made me think that this was okay? People told me not to lead you on, but...I wasn't, I didn't. You didn't fall for me, I fell for you. Why this? Why now?
All I can ask myself, is why I chose to do it? When I couldn't say it out loud, it must've been a sign. I know that I shouldn't do this to you, I know that you deserve better because I will end up hurting you and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did. Don't call me selfless because my decision to tell you was a selfish one. Don't call me selfless because half the things I do, is for my own benefit. I do the things I do, not because I don't want to see people hurt, but because I don't want to be hurt. I can't sit and watch as things go wrong, I can't sit and watch as I see people's pained espressions.
In 2009, I pray that you receive the happiness that you're due, even if it means that I have to leave.
Thursday, January 01, 2009 @Thursday, January 01, 2009
I've been trying to just ignore everything that's been happening, everything that I'm feeling. And its just not working. I try to ignore the things you say that usually stirs up a reaction and I'm just so tired of it all. I just think that you should know. I'll tell you. I want to tell you so badly, but the words just won't come out of my mouth. I spent the whole time I was with you alone trying to tell you, but they just wouldn't come. It hurts because I know I shouldn't. And you mean more to me as a friend than anything more than that.
I've changed the course of things, I can feel the change. You may try telling me that it doesn't change anything, but my confession changed a huge deal of things. I feel more miserable because all the time I feel like I should be kicking myself for telling you. I contemplated telling you for months. I need to ask you if all that happened meant anything to you. If it didn't, I'll graciously walk out of your life now. It'll kill me inside, but its better that way for you. Don't tell me that you want me in your life, if you treat me that way and then tell me it means nothing. I can't live that way and you shouldn't live that way.