I realised I've been on the same emotional plane this whole entire year, maybe with the exception of when I was in Texas, I think that was the only time I was reallly happy because I had nothing to do and no expectations to live up to and no one really knew anything about me and what I've done and accomplished.

I think that its about time for me to just put behind what happened and just really look forward. It really is a heavy burden to carry around, thinking about what happened and what I did and what I didn't do and what I could've done, its really too many questions that will most probably be enough to drive anyone insane.

I think that I should give myself the chance to be happy, I should find the person I once was, the one who would stand up for what she believed in and wasn't afraid to voice her opinions. I think that I should really just speak my mind instead of letting things fester inside.

Kate Voegele - Unfair

So silently

Wish I could say the same for me

But I've got this dead ended street

To keep searching

For a tunnel underneath the bitter truth

Or a bridge invisible I won't fall through

And I don't know how much I can keep

Letting you unravel me

Cause the more you learn the more we share

We were worlds apart and you see

It was so much easier to be

Cause now I know what we can't have and its' so unfair

I never meant

Most of those pretty words I said

But I wanted you to think I did

'Cause telling you all this makes no difference

It's useless

'Cause those who get to know our hearts the most

They always seem to be the ones we'll never hold

And I don't know how much I can keep

Letting you unravel me

'Cause the more you learn the more we share

We were worlds apart and you see

It was so much easier to be

'Cause now I know what we can't have

And it's so unfair

Can't you see it's destroying me?

I can't stand the closeness

But don't you dare go avoiding me

It kills me and yet it keeps me going

And I don't know how much can keep

Letting you unravel me

'Cause the more you learn the more we share

We were worlds apart and you see

It was so much easier to be

'Cause now I know what we can't have and it's so unfair

So yea...

I'm done asking the why's and how's and even who. Its all leading no where.

I start moving forward

And then it all changes

Past, present and future swirls

Who am I

A shift in what used to be

No thoughts of you that cloud my mind

I feel the comfort that I should

All an illusion

For now at least

There's nothing here but winters cold

Comfort from the dark abyss?

I believe I'm at a point in my life where I'm starting to solidify who I am as a person. Maybe I'm having troubles accepting some of the things about myself that I can't change and I'm trying to change the things that I can. It is tough and the journey really is daunting. But maybe its necessary.

I never put much thought into it when it came to me not dating anyone for the past 2 years. And it occured to me that maybe its because I'm always shifting and changing as a person, and that people notice. It's difficult to like someone when you don't know who they really are. Not everyone likes a good puzzle. I enjoy solving people whom no one else can figure out, and I'm good at it. But if the potential for me to fall for the person I'm unravelling is so great then isn't that just as much a risk to me as it is to them?

Me and Gabe were saying that we switched personalities. I became comfortably aloof while he became unable to block out thoughts and theories. And we were both equally uncomfortable with that fact. In the past few months I've made sure I paid no attention to what was going on and stuff like that simply because I didn't want to care, and it's a lighter load for me to bear, but it is unsettling for me because its not who I know I am.

I'm like contradicting myself all over the place... But seriously though, I think I'm going through an identity crisis. Hahahaha....

Just passing by

And yet all I do

Is hold on to you

I watch them all move on

I watch you walk forward

But here I am

Clinging to what used to be

Tell me where to go from here

Should I hold on or just let go

Give me the strength to leave

Help me know who I am

Okay people, so please please please don't ask me who this is about because I just typed that out in like 2 minutes last week on my iPhone when I was in the library.Don't ask me if I'm okay right now, because seriously, I really don't know. I'm just existing. Hahahahaha I don't really know what that means exactly so yea.

I think I'm in need of like loads of alcohol. I think that would make being sick less.....sucky. Haha. Alcohol's like the best pick me up in the whole entire world I think. That plus loads of drunk dancing. And the best joke in the whole entire world would be my sister thinking a guy looks cute when in fact he's fugly because she is visually impaired when under the influence of alcohol. It really is hilarious when you see it live. Hahaha :D

Pain so unbearable that the best cure is solitude

Away from the ones I love

I waste away

At least this time no one notices

All just too caught up in the lives led

Sit here alone and watch

Watch the past present and future all mesh together

I watch my life turn into the wreck I feel like I am

A tearless sob

Just another heart breaking

And apparently they just tell me I brought this upon yourself

And now I'm starting to agree

I am sure my friends who read this blog will text me and go...What happened? Or maybe they just won't care...wonder if that would be a blessing in disguise. Haha....Wheeeeeee.Damn all the tests. haha. I can't believe that I bother to blog..Isn't that just like wonderfully amazing? Yes...I'm bored and crazy.

DAMN.