Monday, February 25, 2008 @Monday, February 25, 2008
So, I think I haven't blogged in a long while. I can't really remember. Life's been life. I should stop wallowing in sadness and misery. There's so much more to life than having a boyfriend or something like that. There's much more to love than having a boyfriend.
I keep thinking that people don't understand whats going through my mind and the way I feel about things. And then someone like Claudia, Jolin, Camille, Gabriel and Andrew comes along. And they completely understand. Sometimes even my family understands. Such things leave me to question how much I really know. And I as insightful as I think I am? Or am I what people really say I am? Just another rich kid who is seeking the attention? Am I what my parents say I am? Only book smart and thats as far as it goes? So much doubt fills my mind. I love studying. I love learning new things. But around my family, no matter how much I achieve, I still feel inadequate. Its like I'm not as smart or not as bright or not as talented as they are.
My family is filled with such talent. Being the youngest on my mum's side is not a walk in the park. There's so much to live up to. There's always this chance that I'll disappoint. That I won't make the cut. It seems like everything I do compared to my siblings and cousins,is just mediocore. Its like I'm a jack of all trades and master of none. And I see my cousins and siblings, and they know what they want in life. They know how to continue from where they are. It seems like I'm left behind. Like I'm falling behind because I can't keep up. I don't know what I want. I know what I'm good at. But is it really what I want my future to be? I'm 16 years old and I don't know what I want to do. There's so much I'm passionate about. And people always say that its a good thing. But its made me indecisive.
My friends tell me to follow my heart when it comes to my future. But my heart is telling me one thing, my mind another and my family another thing completely.
But I guess its all just part and parcel of life in general. We all go through phases. Sometimes its a phase which makes us stronger and sometimes its just something that will make us happy and realises that there's more to life than meets the eye. Maybe this is a new journey for me. Maybe I'll see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.
For now, I'll leave you guys with a song about life basically.
Kate Voegele - Its Only Life
Tears are formin' in your eyes
A storm is warnin' in the sky
The end of the world, it seems
You bend down and fall on your knees
Well, get back on your feet, yeah
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
You were always playin' hard
You never could let down your guard, no
Oh, but you can't win if you never give in
In to that voice within, its sayin' pick up your chin
Baby let go of it, yeah
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Take your hesitance and your self-defense
Leave them behind, its only life
Don't be so afraid of facin' every day
Just take your time, its only life
I'll be your steppin' stone, don't be so alone
Just hold on tight, its only life
Oh yeah,yeah,yeah,yeah, oh
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't look away, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Don't lose your faith, don't run away
Baby, its only life
Its only life, oh yeah
Its only life
Don't look away
Sunday, February 10, 2008 @Sunday, February 10, 2008
So I haven't really been updating this blog. Its not that I don't have the time. Its just that my life is ridiculously boring. Excuse my spelling. Its never been a strong point of mine. Firstly, let me say, Happy Chinese New Year!
I went to Perth recently for like a break from the life I lead here in Singapore. But it ended up being no different. I was still as stressed as ever. It made no difference. I think because at times it was so dead there, I ended up thinking a lot. And I guess I've truly realised that I'm not the person I used to be. Like nowadays I couldn't care less about what happened to others, unlike the way it was before when everything would just affect me. But I guess for me its because I'm just so tired of caring.
My expericence with Danny last year really took everything out of me. Ever ounce of care and concern. It really drained me. So much so that even now I just feel so tired. Its been 4 months already and I'm just so tired. It even sucked out what little happiness I had within me. And things kept getting worse for me. The one guy I first loved even before I met all the other guys I dated, is the one guy that I am willing to wait for. And he's the one guy who treats me like a doormat. He walks in and out of my life as and when he feels like it. And yet I still love him. Don't get me wrong. I'm more than happy to be single. But because most of my friends are older than me, I tend to think about what will happen if I do decide to get married (for the time being I'm swearing off the idea of being married. I DON'T WANNA GET MARRIED! ) I keep wondering what might happen. I don't want to be married to any of the guys I currently know.
Recently someone new who heard about this whole thing about me and my first love told me that he might be the one I marry. But I don't want to be married to him. We're great for each other, but I don't want to lead a life with him as my husband. I don't think I'd be strong enough. I won't be able to handle him and all his vices. I want to help him, but I can't. He doesn't want to help himself. He doesn't have the will power to do so.
But for now, I'm happy having nothing too serious. I'm sorry if I haven't been much help to those around me with problems, I just no longer know how to help. Maybe one day I will learn how to again. But for now, my tongue has been cut out and no words come to mind for help.
Kindly Unspoken by Kate Voegele
As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name
And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today
But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever
Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
Did what Simon Says to do
But I won't let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I'm on my way somewhere new
And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever
Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard
So don't keep me up till the dawn
With words that'll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It's lucky I'm clever'Cause if I didn't know better
I'd believe only that which I'd heard