Sometimes I wish you’d understand that this isn’t really easy for me. To be honest, I’ve liked you as more than a friend for close to 2 years. Everytime you break my heart, I still forgive you. You tell me that you care, but your actions tell me otherwise. And now I’m caught between loving you and staying here waiting, or moving on. I want soooo much to move on, but my heart and my feet just won’t allow it. I stand here rooted to the ground and watching you go and do what you want with your life, to go and explore and I’m trying/ struggling not to let my opportunities pass me by. It tears me up inside knowing that eventually you’ll continue with life and continue walking forward and I’ll be left here waiting. And my whole life, I’ve always been the one waiting for someone, the one wanting someone and its never been the other way round and it sucks really. But I’ve been blessed with the strength to do so. No other girl in their right mind would wait for someone for 2 years. When something goes wrong, you talk to me and I’m there listening. This year when I told you that I love you, when you told me that you love me, its something I waited sooo long to hear and it made me so happy but I know that you don’t really mean it. You don’t lie to me, but you don’t tell the truth either. I ask you something and you just don’t answer or you think it’s a joke, but its not. NO to me at least. All I want now is to close this chapter in our lives so that we can go back to just being friends and I can move on with my life. But I can’t! And I don’t know why.
So I've been alright. Tired mostly, but happy. Sure I've had my ups and downs these couple of days or maybe for a week since I last updated (can't really remember). Hmm. So I came across something that inspired me to write some stuff.
We've been through our ups and downs
Sharing laughter and the tears
Through it all you've always been there
Keeping me safe,
Keeping me warm.
You smile when I cry
Because you know that I'll smile too
We've weathered the storms in our lives together
One after the other
Together we've proved
That nothing can pull us apart
For together we are strong
Stronger than what others can ever imagine.
I'll love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
I'll love you forever
And a day.
Though the years pass
Though the seasons change
Nothing that happens
Can change my love for you.
I'll love you today
I'll love you tomorrow
I'll love you forever
And a day.
You make me happy babe. Even though things around me are always crazy. You always seem to calm me down and let me have time for myself even if my schedule doesn't permit me to do so. You make me smile even when all the world is crashing around me. For that I'll love you forever and a day. You are the one who gets me. You understand when it seems like no one else does. You watch me sleep and sometimes wait for me to wake up. You never cease to amaze me with each passing day you suprise me. For that I'll always love you forever and a day.
xoxo
You were always there
Catching the tears as the fell
Embracing me with love
But I've always been too blind to see
Though now my eyes are clear
You've moved on
To someone who doesn't care
Come back to me
And I'll show you the love that you deserve
Though things may not always work
I promise you my friendship forever
And I hope you promise me yours.
So I wrote that yesterday when I was at Starbucks in Woodlands with Jean and James. Its been quite a while since I've written something like that and once again I'm sure that the person its about doesn't know who he is because he thinks I'm in love with someone else.
I thought so too until it became clear to me that I can't bring myself to love someone so far away no matter how much I may care for that person. And I feel like a bitch for telling him that I'll love him forever even though it is true, but if it was always meant to be just me and him, I wouldn't feel this way. Would I? This life is just so complicated and most people would just tell me to deal with it because everyone goes through it. And I'm sure everyone does. And as a teen I'm sure its like my job to over dramatise this, but then again, how do you tell apart real love from infatuation?
We all want something we can't have. We want something no one else has. We want something to call our own. Its human nature. Even the people who devote their lives are after something they can't have, world peace or to end world hunger because in their lives they are not at peace and they're always craving for something more. There is a void in the lives that they need filled.
I pray that God will point me in the right direction. I pray that things will follow through and go according to God's will because I know that whatever may happen I may not be strong enough to handle on my own. I've been alone only with God by my side for so long, that now I feel like I'm missing something.