Looks like I'm not the sister I thought I was. Nor am I the friend I thought I was.Nor the daughter I thought I was. I am no longer the person I used to think I am. In fact, I don't know who I am. How is this possible?
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a girl who once knew what she wanted to be. A girl who once knew who she was. A girl who was not afriad to follow her dreams. All I see of the present me, is a girl who only knows how to hurt others. A girl who follows others instead of being herself. Her true self. Its like she just left herself behind and decided to be someone else. To be a follower rather than the leader she used to be. Its like she's listening to what others used to say about her. She listening to them tell her that she's just another follower. That she's not the leader she thinks she is. She's listening to them tell her that she'll never be able to achieve her dreams. That they're not worth working towards to since she'll never get there.
How did I become this mess of a person? I used to know what I wanted to do in life. I used to work because I wanted to, not because I had to. I used to be my own person. I used to never lay a hand on my sister. I used to be a lot of things. And now I'm just none of them.
I can't be the person that I am now. I can't. I'd rather die. I spent today wishing that someone would kill me. But whats so bad about my life? I have a life most would wish for. So whats wrong? I have a family anyone would want. I lead a life whereby I don't have to work for what I want.
Its just not the person I want to become. I want to be someone who works for what she has. Who can proudly say that.'This is the fruit of my labour.' I want to be proud of my achievements. I want someone to be proud of what I've achieved in life. To be proud of me. Someone to be happy with what I've done and not expect something more. But I know for that to be possible, I have to accept me for who I am. I have to be happy with what I've done and not expect something more. I've got to start living my life for me and not for anyone else.
I'm sorry Faith. I didn't mean to. Its not right. I spent most of my life trying not to hit you. I just lost it today. I know its no excuse. Its my fault. And even if you find some way to forgive me, I'll never forgive myself. Simply because I told myself I'd never do it. But I did.
I'm sorry.
I saw the look on her face
A look I knew so well
Why did she have to go through this
She's beautiful to me, my baby sister
I’ll protect her from harm
And save her the tears
I’ll give up all I have to go through life for her
I’ll pick her up and dust her knee when she falls
I know the feeling of hurt
So painful, unbearable
All she wants to do is disappear
She talked to me and ask me
What should she do
I told her to fight for what she wants
I’ll support you no matter what
You're beautiful, Intelligent
You’re my heroin
Since the time you were a baby
I knew you’d do great thing
A mind like yours
So focus on what you want
And let me tell you my baby
No matter how many guys come and go
I make this promise to you
I’ll never leave your side
You never have to walk alone
I’ll be holding your hands
Kissing your forehead
Hugging you tightly
And prepare you for another round
So don't ever worry.
A look I knew so well
Why did she have to go through this
She's beautiful to me, my baby sister
I’ll protect her from harm
And save her the tears
I’ll give up all I have to go through life for her
I’ll pick her up and dust her knee when she falls
I know the feeling of hurt
So painful, unbearable
All she wants to do is disappear
She talked to me and ask me
What should she do
I told her to fight for what she wants
I’ll support you no matter what
You're beautiful, Intelligent
You’re my heroin
Since the time you were a baby
I knew you’d do great thing
A mind like yours
So focus on what you want
And let me tell you my baby
No matter how many guys come and go
I make this promise to you
I’ll never leave your side
You never have to walk alone
I’ll be holding your hands
Kissing your forehead
Hugging you tightly
And prepare you for another round
So don't ever worry.
My older sister wrote that for me when I was going through hell last year. And I'm forever greatful to her for the little things she does. Sure we bicker a lot at times and we argue. But she's my sister and I love her to bits! No one love can feel like the love of a sister. None can phantom the kind of things my sister would do for me to protect me from everything that harms me. There is no life without my sister. When all I wanted to do was disapper, she held me close and told me that everything would be alright. And I believed her. I knew that she understood. I know that no matter what happens in life, she'll be right there beside me. She'll share in my joys and my sorrows. In reply to her poem written for me, I wrote something for her. I'm not too sure if she's read it before since its been kept in this laptop that we share for like the longest of times.
You’ve always been there
To catch me when I fall
You’ve always been there
To shower me with love and care
You’ve always been there
To tell me that things will be okay
No guy, no one
Can ever replace the love
Of a mother, father or sibling
You are my sister
My one and only
I am no different from who you are
I still am human
The flaws I see within me
The world has yet to see
But yet I know that no matter what,
You my sister will always accept me
The world may hate me for who I am
But you will always love me
You will stand by me
When the whole world is against me
Where else can I find such love
Except in the embrace of my sister
This gift from God
That only I have
This beautiful person who stands before me
This wonderful person who loves me unconditionally
You are my sister
There’s no denying it
And when troubles come my way
You are there to defend me
You try to shelter me from everything that can hurt me
But yet you know
That I too must learn to fall
And though it pains you
You are eager and waiting to pick me up
To get me started on the right track
I don’t say this very much
But you are my one and only
You are the only sister in my life
You are the one I’ll always love
Nothing can change that
Not even the cutest or smartest of guys
To catch me when I fall
You’ve always been there
To shower me with love and care
You’ve always been there
To tell me that things will be okay
No guy, no one
Can ever replace the love
Of a mother, father or sibling
You are my sister
My one and only
I am no different from who you are
I still am human
The flaws I see within me
The world has yet to see
But yet I know that no matter what,
You my sister will always accept me
The world may hate me for who I am
But you will always love me
You will stand by me
When the whole world is against me
Where else can I find such love
Except in the embrace of my sister
This gift from God
That only I have
This beautiful person who stands before me
This wonderful person who loves me unconditionally
You are my sister
There’s no denying it
And when troubles come my way
You are there to defend me
You try to shelter me from everything that can hurt me
But yet you know
That I too must learn to fall
And though it pains you
You are eager and waiting to pick me up
To get me started on the right track
I don’t say this very much
But you are my one and only
You are the only sister in my life
You are the one I’ll always love
Nothing can change that
Not even the cutest or smartest of guys
I love my sister. I understand how you feel babe. We've all been there. But part of life, is learning from an experience and moving on. It doesn't make that part of our life any less real. In fact, it makes it more real. It makes the experience mean so much more than just a mistake or something that went wrong. It becomes part of our lives. The pain and anguish will pass. The memory will not fade. But you will see, that its not as bad as it seems. In time, things will be alright. I'll always be here to catch you when you fall. I'll always be here to wipe away your tears.
I love you Faith!
Today I realised, that I look good! Okay, I'm just being a little retarded here. And thats a first alright?! I usually don't act retarded online especially when everyone can read this. But today shall be an exception, for today, I realised that I look good despite having a relapse of the FLU! Thanks to the practice for the wedding, I lost my voice the following day(a.k.a Wednesday) and couldn't sing. Today or rather yesterday (Thursday) the flu decided to launch its second attack on my immune system. My immune system seems to be loosing the battle for now since I've got a runny nose. *sniff sniff*. But I wanted to get out of the house. Therefore, I clung to my sister like a baby afraid to leave their mum. (Come to think of it, as a baby I cried a huge deal when someone else besides my Mummy carried me!) So we went out and I just got worse because I didn't really drink much water.
I took pictures and I didn't look like I was dying even though I felt like I would collapse at any moment in time! So in the evening I went for Cantor practice as usual. And I COULD SING! Praise the Lord! So I sang and sang and now my throat hurts! I hope and pray and have FAITH in God that I will be able to sing for the wedding THIS SATURDAY! I've got a mini SOLO! (See, doesn't this post seem a lil retarded and so not me?) So now, my nose is running like a tap that doesn't seem to be able to stop! But! As I looked into the mirror as I brushed my teeth, I realised, that I look GREAT for someone who's sick!
I'll post pictures soon! But I've got to go, I've got an early morning ahead of me. About 5 hours to sleep before my busy day begins again! Hahaz
I don't know what to do. I feel so lost. I know I should let go. I should move on from you. You've found a girl you truely love. A girl you're willing to wait for.
Its been said that your true love is often right under your nose. I know that there are different kinds of love. And that love is unconditional.
I loved you when you were with someone else.
I loved you when you got your heart broken.
I loved you when you thought no one could.
I loved you when you were in trouble with the law.
I loved you when I felt something for someone else.
I loved you when my heart was torn into pieces.
I loved you when you helped me mend my broken heart.
I loved you whe you watched me cry out of confusion.
I loved you when you saw me sleep in front of my laptop.
I loved you when you tried to cheer my sister up.
I loved you when you told me you were seeing someone else.
I loved you when I told you what I was happy for you.
even though deep down inside, I could hear my heart shatter,
even though I felt the first teardrop fall.
I still love you now as you wait for the girl you love to go all the way with you.
I still love you now as you tell me how happy you are with her,
and as I bid you good luck.
I still love you now as I wish upon both of you happiness and that things go well.
Its been said that your true love is often right under your nose. I know that there are different kinds of love. And that love is unconditional.
I loved you when you were with someone else.
I loved you when you got your heart broken.
I loved you when you thought no one could.
I loved you when you were in trouble with the law.
I loved you when I felt something for someone else.
I loved you when my heart was torn into pieces.
I loved you when you helped me mend my broken heart.
I loved you whe you watched me cry out of confusion.
I loved you when you saw me sleep in front of my laptop.
I loved you when you tried to cheer my sister up.
I loved you when you told me you were seeing someone else.
I loved you when I told you what I was happy for you.
even though deep down inside, I could hear my heart shatter,
even though I felt the first teardrop fall.
I still love you now as you wait for the girl you love to go all the way with you.
I still love you now as you tell me how happy you are with her,
and as I bid you good luck.
I still love you now as I wish upon both of you happiness and that things go well.
I love you with all my heart, my love for you has not changed in the past year. But yet I love you too much to hold you back. I love you with every fibre of my being. Those three words no longer does justice to what I feel for you. I feel so much more than love for you. I fell in love with you without even wanting to. I am but a doormat in your life. I'm always there. I let you step all over me. And yet I stay. I do not move. I am your welcoming mat.
The see the smile fade away.
They know I'm not the girl they used to know.
They see the sadness in my eyes.
They see the tears that streaked my face.
I look at the image of my past self.
I see a girl once so full of ambition.
I stare at a person that seems so familiar.
Eyes so dull with defeat.
No hope left within.
I stare so hard until I finally see,
A girl once filled with dreams of her own,
Left so defeated by the trials that made their way through her.
I see her cry,
I watch her break down.
They know that life has dealt her an unfair hand.
I stare at her until I see,
The reflection of a girl I knew,
Of a girl I know.
The reflection of me.
So to those who read my blog, here's a long overdue Happy New Year! I find it rather weird that a New Year should be happy. This year hasn't started out that great for me. Honestly, my party on the 30th wasn't all I hoped it would be. Quite disappointing really. And I think me being sick and tired just made it that much worse. I kinda need to meet people who are brutally honest. I need people around me who will not backstab me. I need true friends. Friends I can count on no matter what. And I do know that true friends are hard to find. Maybe thats why I've got a problem trusting people. But I can't always blame people. Maybe the problem lies within me. I don't wanna be a hypocryte. But I can't believe that I actually am. I really don't know. I don't think I want to know. I'm not in the best of moods or in the best or right state of mind. I'm kinda out of it most of the time. Take care.