I never really noticed how much my parents have always supported me in whatever I chose to do. Of course their advice to me would always be to keep my music as a side project thing because it has always been a way for me to vent and I am good with my composing. I think in 2005 I wrote something about my parents not supporting me with my dreams. But its only now that I see that they do support my dreams, its just that they want me to have a safety net in which I can fall into. To have that safety net, it means that I've got a whole lot of studying to do in the future before I can settle into my music stuff.
Music has always been my sweet reprive. Its a place where I retreat to when the world hasn't been very nice to me. It happens a lot. I tend to just leave the world behind me and be completely enthralled in my own world of music. Where my thoughts are clear, my heart springs a melody my mind agrees with. It just makes it seem like everything is right with the world again. And I think music means that much more to be because I write my own and don't feel the need to copy from other artiste. Insparation is all around and I feel that life experiences is all the insparation that we need to write meaningful songs will great melodies. Every song has its emotion. A song is personified when musicians and singers alike feel that same emotion and are able to invoke it into the song and into the people listening. Having emotion in a song and singing and playing the piano with emotion is something that my Dad thought me. He was the first person to teach me how to sing.
I watched and listened to my father in awe as a child about 11 years ago when I first started singing. He had this amazing voice and he was a master manipulator of his voice. Its something I've always envied because I can't control my voice that much just yet. But what pushed me and spured me on to continue singing, was the fact that I was the only girl in my family who could sing. So with the piano training in aural tests and the listening skills to sing a melody, I started joining choirs and music ministries in church. It was there that my talent and ability grew as a musician and a singer. I met great musicians like the original band for YMM. It was there that I realised that I'm better that I thought I was. Words of encouragement from everyone made me want to improve even more. I felt obligated to do so. And I did. From the time I first started singing, until now, I've improved more than what I've acknowladged. At least thats what my friends say. I love music. Its in my blood. Its who I am. Its what made me the person I am today. Without music, I'd most probably die. And I'm not exagerating. I would have killed myself a long time ago if I didn't have an outlet to vent. Music is that outlet.
As for the safety net, my parents know that I've got my dreams in sight. But they also believe in my good judgement when it comes to work and business. I gave them my word that I'd do well and continue my studies. And I will. For the sake of my future, I will. Like Mummy always say, "Work hard. Earn your millions. Don't rely on a man for your money. Don't let them control your life. Keep God in your life and all things will turn out fine!" And I believe in my Mum. Like they always say, 'Mum knows best' and its true because my Mum always knows what to say to me to make me stronger and to make me want to be better. I've been blessed. And I'm ever thankful and greatful for everything that God has placed in my path. For all the trials and tribulations that have come my way to shape me as the person I am today. The growing is not done, it never is. But as life continues, we should be more humbled as we take up leadership roles and become seniors and such.
So I just realised that I never did say anything about my Graduation Night. Despite the fact that it was held in my school hall, it was quite fun because I got to perform. Thats the picture of me n the band. Alvin was the lead singer so I was the back up singer, Asyraf was the drummer, Sofian was the rhythm guitarist, Sas was the lead guitarist and Delson was the bassist. Yea. It was a slow day actually. The beginning was quite boring with the exception of the games. Those were hilarious. My voice was dead that day because the day before I had like a full day of singing. 
So those are the girls I spent most of my year with. From left to right, its me, Is, Aziah and Li Xian. It was a fun night, lots of pictures were taken. I think I'll miss these girls the most because I tend not to stay in touch with my former school mates. And as of that night, I've considered them former school mates. Its quite sad really, that I don't feel the need to stay in touch with my former schoolmates. Black, white,black, white. It was quite apt that we were standing in such a pattern. 
So thats me and my drummer, Asyraf. This guy has been a great scandal for the past two years. He's the one who makes fun of me like mad because of the way I react to his "moans" and he's ever the joker. He never fails to make me smile. But that doesn't mean that he has no substance. This dude can carry one heck of a conversation. We used to talk about what we wanted to get for O levels and such. Oh! And he's the one who's been helping me get through my Malay class since last year! He lets me copy his work. Okay, it may not be the kinda help people would expect, but I just can't stand doing Malay homework. I just don't speak the language. I think I speak more Mandrin than Malay thanks to my grandmother. A lot of people say I don't like Malays because the people I hang out most with are Chinese or Eurasian but my schoolmates or ex-schoolmates are living proof that I'm okay with Malays. Who am I to be racist afterall? Aren't I the complete mix? Indian, Chinese, Malay, Eurasian? Racial Harmony Day Poster Child! 
So this is Daryl! He's the guy who shouts nonsensical things across the canteen during recess or lunch or at random times. Don't let his innocent looking face fool you. He's no angel! He's the devil! He shout crude things at random moments of the day. I only got to know this guy like recently this year. He's such a nice person to know. He's able to laugh at life and the things it throws at him. And he's a great artist! His sketches can beat mine anytime, any day. He used to be a common face at Starbucks, Siglap. I think it was one night that we were all there till like closing with my sister. It was a hilarious night. All the nonsensical issues came up. 
So this is me and the girls with our principal, Mrs Julia Woo. This woman is completely inspiring. Goodness knows how she's delt with the crazy kids in the school for so long. I've never had a problem with this woman. Just always had a problem with the activities the school had. They just never appealed to me. Hence the great deal of skipping classes and school altogether. But she always believed in me and my abilities. Never once did she doubt me when it came to my work. She knew I'd deliver at the end of the day.
So leaving school is a bittersweet event. I never liked school. And I never liked that many people because to them I was a snob for not smiling, but school was where I did most of my growing. Having people backstab me and teachers look down on me made me that much stronger and smarter. For that I am ever thankful for Ping Yi Secondary School. An unknown to many, but a place where I felt wanted even though I wasn't there most of the time. It was fun while it lasted, I'll go back to help the Art students with their work every now and then since I know how they feel. My Art teacher, Miss Ng, no doubt she was someone I couldn't stand at first, told me that it was a shame I chose not to be part of the family and that I chose to stay away and not bond. But I feel that my fellow classmates and schoolmates know that my heart will always be with them because thats how I've always been. People come to me when they've got problems they feel the world will never understand. And I'm the one who can understand it all.
Another chapter in my life that I leave behind. Another ending, calls for another beginning. Work starts on Monday.
Looks like the post are getting more frequent. Maybe its the fact that I severly lack a life. But it doesn't matter, for I start work next week, and not in my parents office, but somewhere else. Hahaz. Okay, I think Freda has lost her marbles. Lets get serious. And I mean serious as in my long winded stories of sadness though I seem quiet high.
So here we go...
I see the pain in her eyes
A pain that seems so familiar
Its the pain I've seen in the eyes
That keep staring back at me
Its a pain I wished
Upon no one else
No one but myself
For I know, it is a burden
A burden no one should bear.
Okay, thats all the sadness and sorrow I have within me for the day. So I guess its not as long winded as I expected it to be. For people who are reading my blog for the very first time and do not know me personally, please excuse my blatant disregard for spelling and structured sentences. Its not my forte. I just can't spell to save my life and I don't think that blogging calls for structured sentences since half the blogs I read are not even in proper English. I just happen to love the English Language but hate having to spell. I guess thats my downfall.
I miss the times when I was younger than I am today, whereby I could run into my Mummy's arms crying and tell her all my problems and everything thats bothering me and she'll hug me and just tell me that everything's going to be alright.
I miss the times when everything seemed simple enough to do. And could be accomplised in a blink of an eye without any pressure.
I miss the days in which no one expected anything from me and I was free to be whoever I wanted to be. When the world didn't expect me to be a certain way and when I could choose who I wanted to be everyday.
I guess that sometimes in life, things will always change. Nothing will remain the same and no one's to blame. I apologised to a girl whom in my eyes, I didn't wrong, but I just felt bad for putting her through something she didn't have to go through. I received nothing in return. And thankfully, I expected nothing in return.
This life has taught me that when you give something, you shouldn't expect to get something back. That becomes what giving is supposed to be about. And expectations that we have, will not always be given unto us or accomplished therefore letting us down.
I've learned to live my life as simply as possible. Being thankful for the people I have in it and not expecting more because I am content with what I have and who I am. Sure it hurts to have people leave your life, but then it just calls for a new beginning. A new chapter in the story of our lives.
I spent most of my life, analysing people and the things they say and the way they say it. Sure I may be only 16, but I know what I know. And if people disregard the things I say because of my age, then they become the fool. Not me. I've encountered many people who feel that they don't have to answer my questions because I'm younger than them and because of age, they are superior to me. In 2005 or maybe 2006 I posted something on this blog. I said that maturity is defined as the number of experiences we've had and what we've learned from them and not the number of candles we've blown out, or something to that effect.
Recently, I met an interesting couple. The girl was a year older than me. The way she talked to me, it seemed like she thought that she was of a higher breed than me. Or of a certain superiority. I didn't like it, but I refrained from lashing out at her. I actually apologised for possibly offending her by the questions that I asked. Now, in the eyes of everyone who know about this, I am be bigger person and most probably the more mature one. But to give her credit, she delt with things rather well. Maybe I'm being smug about things. But its the way I truly feel.
The guy is 6 years older than me. I found that he had the mentality of a 5 year old. Sure he was business minded at times, but the way he reacted to things and the way he said things, it screamed childish! Most who know me personally know who I'm talking about in both instances. The guy had the odasity to compare experiences and such with me. He thought just because I was 16 and he way older than me, that he had experienced more. I would have begged to differ, but I let him have his 15seconds of glory and such. Everyone told me that this guy was never worth my time of even getting to know him because I was superior to him. I never needed his money because my family's quite well off. Even in terms of the command of the English language, I was superior and even I knew that.
You know, its not everyday that I rant and rave about other people, but these are people whom through their severe lack of maturity has changed the way I see things. And the way I view the importance of a romantic relationship in my life.
It was made clear to me, that guys who do not value my commitment and dedication to the relationship, is not worth the wait. That I did not have to wait for anyone because for every one guy I wait for, 3 others are waiting for me.
So the chapter in which I closed a few days ago was a chapter in which I learned a lot from and it changed my perception of things. It made me more confident of myself and of the power I have over people. It reminded me that I have the power to influence people wherever they are and that I can get people to believe me no matter what. It also reminded me that I should never take the words of others as gospel truth because that would be sheer stupidity.
And remember in the beginning of the post I was talking about the times I missed with my Mummy, this incident reminded me that although I do not run crying to my Mummy, she's still always there for me. And my Mum, ever the feminist that she is, will always teach me and my sister, that we Don't need a MAN by our side, to be complete or whole or strong because we are already all that.
I sat under the cloudy skies
I watched as the stars we hidden
It was then that it became clear to me
It was time to close this chapter in my life
So now I say goodbye to what used to be.No more tears no more sadness. I leave this behind me now. And with everything else, I will no longer look back. Its time for you to see what you lost. A girl the world loves and who loves the world unconditionally. So Daniel, this is where I say my goodbye to you forever.
I watch her sleep
I know what she's trying to do
She doesn't want to be awake
She doesn't want to feel the pain of living
The pain of loving.
It all looks so familiar
She knows it helps
She's seen me do it before
She's seen me sleep to avoid the pain
Will she end up like me?
God, I hope not
I hope no harm befalls her
I'd give my life and take her pain
Just so she feels no pain
Just so she doesn't feel the pain I've felt