Sunday, January 07, 2007 @Sunday, January 07, 2007
So for the past 7 days or so, I've been crying. What a way for this year to begin. I just feel so lost right now. I thought I knew where I was meant to be headed to. What I was supposed to be doing. Its just no longer the same. It seems so much harder now. I know I can't give up. But I don't think I have the strength to stay. I know that life wasn't meant to be a bed of roses. It wasn't designed to go out way.
To have something you really care about taken away from you, it just hurts a lot. And I just feel so much pain and betrayal and a lot of confusion. I never said the things I said with the intention to influence. I know what I say affects a lot of people. But never once did I force them at gun point to agree with whatever I said. I always said that that was what I thought. They never had to follow what I do or say or think. Yes, I said somethings that I shouldn't have. But understand that I too was greatly affected by whatever happened. It hurt me a lot. It still hurts. Its not easy for me to forgive adults. Coz I know that they are capable of repeating that same thing over and over again. I've seen it happen. To be my age and have so many people depend on you for something. And never knowing if they're just using you to get what they want. And letting them cut you out of the whole picture coz they know that you're a threat, it hurts a lot.
I'm only 15 going on 16 later in the year. I said the things that I said, because I knew that it was what everyone else was thinking. They didn't dare say anything. You all scared them way too much for them to even open up their mouths to say what they really wanted. I may be young. But I do understand where a lot of people are coming from. Never think that I don't know what you all go through. I do. I've been in that position before. Take a look at my life and tell me that I don't understand where you're coming from. And just because I'm a teenager, doesn't mean that I'll just keep quite and do nothing about it. I can do so much about whatever has happened. I know that I can influence a lot of people. I'm not stupid. I know how much I can do. And its not that I want to play God. But I honestly feel that we are being treated unjustly. Filtering out people who are possible threats, is not the right thing to do. You don't know how much you hurt them. You say you do, but you don't. You don't know how much this means to me. You don't know how much I want this to grow. That was the only thing I had left to hold on to. And its only been 2 days.
You don't know how much this affects me. You don't know that you're taking me away from my family. You don't know that you're tearing this family apart. You don't know what you're doing. You think you know whats best. But you don't.