Monday, January 28, 2008 @Monday, January 28, 2008
Looks like I'm not the sister I thought I was. Nor am I the friend I thought I was.Nor the daughter I thought I was. I am no longer the person I used to think I am. In fact, I don't know who I am. How is this possible?
I look at myself in the mirror and I see a girl who once knew what she wanted to be. A girl who once knew who she was. A girl who was not afriad to follow her dreams. All I see of the present me, is a girl who only knows how to hurt others. A girl who follows others instead of being herself. Her true self. Its like she just left herself behind and decided to be someone else. To be a follower rather than the leader she used to be. Its like she's listening to what others used to say about her. She listening to them tell her that she's just another follower. That she's not the leader she thinks she is. She's listening to them tell her that she'll never be able to achieve her dreams. That they're not worth working towards to since she'll never get there.
How did I become this mess of a person? I used to know what I wanted to do in life. I used to work because I wanted to, not because I had to. I used to be my own person. I used to never lay a hand on my sister. I used to be a lot of things. And now I'm just none of them.
I can't be the person that I am now. I can't. I'd rather die. I spent today wishing that someone would kill me. But whats so bad about my life? I have a life most would wish for. So whats wrong? I have a family anyone would want. I lead a life whereby I don't have to work for what I want.
Its just not the person I want to become. I want to be someone who works for what she has. Who can proudly say that.'This is the fruit of my labour.' I want to be proud of my achievements. I want someone to be proud of what I've achieved in life. To be proud of me. Someone to be happy with what I've done and not expect something more. But I know for that to be possible, I have to accept me for who I am. I have to be happy with what I've done and not expect something more. I've got to start living my life for me and not for anyone else.
I'm sorry Faith. I didn't mean to. Its not right. I spent most of my life trying not to hit you. I just lost it today. I know its no excuse. Its my fault. And even if you find some way to forgive me, I'll never forgive myself. Simply because I told myself I'd never do it. But I did.
I'm sorry.