Sunday, May 11, 2008 @Sunday, May 11, 2008
So many goodbyes have been said. And all I hear is my heart breaking. I don't understand why. But I know I feel my heart breaking. I've held the tears and pain in for so long, that I no longer can contain it. It's starting to pour out of me like a waterfall that has a never ending source. That kinda describes the tears to. Everyone who just met me sees me as this happy go lucky girl who gets everything she wants. That the price doesn't matter. Sure, I get loads of material things from my parents. But I've lost so many, cried so much, and felt so much pain that even the most expensive gift cannot take away. The cross is mine to bear, I know. But never in a million years would I have thought that it would be so heavy. I never thought that I wouldn't have the strength to carry it on my own.
People see me and think that I've got an easy life. That I get anything and everything I want. And that I've gone through nothing to upset my life. They don't know the kinda things I've seen with my own two eyes. They don't understand that I am the person I am because of the trials I've gone through. Sure, to some adults, they're just very light and trivial things to be put through, but most adults fail to see that I went through the things I've gone through at a very early age. They see me and ask me why I'm so worried, so troubled. They say I shouldn't worry about such things at this young age. But they don't know that I have already seen what can happen if I don't do certain things in my life, if I don't plan for where I'll be in the future.
Currently, I don't know where I'm going to be. I don't know what career I want to have. I don't want to end up like someone who doesn't enjoy their life. I know that I can be happy and contented in whatever I choose to do, but I don't want to just lead a normal life. I guess I crave attention at times, but its not like I have nothing else to do in my life. I do loads with my life. It just happens that besides school and my family, music is all I've got. And I share that with my friends. I love singing. I get loads of attention singing, sometimes, unwanted attention. But its not like I lack the attention. I love people and some people love me or they hate me. And it doesn't really make that much of a difference to me. For every one person who hates me, someone else will love me.
So far this year hasn't really been my year. First Lucky had to be put down. And then Camille's granddad passed away so I started feeling sad because my wing felt sad. And now, Kells and Trist and Kaits are going away. They're moving to Manchester with Emma and my Godpa.
I pray that things work out for them there. Sure I'll miss them even though I don't really spend much time with them and I don't get to see them that often, its always a comfort knowing that their near. But now they'll be far away, I'll miss Kells and Trist and even Kaitlin. She's the youngest of the lot. But I'll still miss her even though she was like deathly afraid of me when she was younger. She's a cute little girl. I grew up with Kells and helped bring Trist up when he was a baby. And I'll miss my Godpa too. I never really got to see him that much as I started secondary school. I remember him bringing me out for my 12th birthday. I never got the chance to be truly truly close to him and thats just sad. But I'm sure that they'll have a great life there. I know Kells will complain at first, but she'll get used to it and in time be happy and contented. I'm sure Trist will have a blast and so will Kaits. I wish them all the best and all the happiness in the world. Never thought I'd miss them this much even before they leave.