Saturday, December 20, 2008 @Saturday, December 20, 2008
Why am I doing this to myself? Falling for someone whom I shouldn't be falling for. Risking everything that there is now. Why am I puting myself through all this for someone who doesn't give a damn to notice whats in front of him? Why?
I feel useless, and hopeless and lifeless. Everyone will just tell me to snap out of it. I know what each of you will tell me so don't bother. I know what you will ask. I know you all so well. So don't bother. Don't waste your time with me. And just stop caring for me. Its not gonna get you anywhere in life. And if one day I ever ask why you just stopped caring, tell me that its because I told you not to. Because its what I'm asking of you all now. I want to be numb to this aching feeling I have within. You joke about it, but you don't know the severity. You don't see me trying to blink back the tears when I'm with you. So don't tell me you understand and don't tell me you're in the same boat. I may sound like an emo kid, but I can do much worse than they can. I've forged lifetime friendships with some people. I can hurt so many more if I decide to just end my life right here and now. And because of the pain I know I can cause, I won't end my life. Not on my own accord. So I'll just lie here in my bed tonight, motionless as I look into the emptiness before me which I call my life.
Being single is still the best you say. You don't know how lonely it gets. You don't know how painful it becomes afterawhile. Try it for 4 years. You won't be the same person ever again. You always ask why I care so much, its because of fear. Fear that I forget how to love, fear that I forget what its like to feel. You ask why I put myself through so much shit everyday of my life? Its because it helps me know that I'm still alive, that I've still got more years to dread.