Friday, January 02, 2009 @Friday, January 02, 2009
Have you ever placed yourself so far out there and just take a step out on faith, only to just tumble down with insecurities? I've never been someone filled with insecurities because I never had a reason to be insecure, but times like this, I really question where I stand and who I am to the people in my life. Its like an identity crisis because what makes you who you are, are the people in your life and how they've affected you and all those little things that have happened and the experiences gained forms this being that you call YOU, but yet sometimes you can't help but question who You are. I don't know, I haven't felt this way in a long time. I no longer know why I make the decisions I make. And that's something that really terrifies me. I don't want to make thoughtless decisions. I don't want to make decisions that I initially thought would give me a piece of mind only to find out that it drives me even more insane.
I've kept myself hidden from everything in my life just so I wouldn't have to feel this pain. Making how I feel known is a great step for me, and its a huge step that I've taken. And now I wonder why I made that decision to take that step. Why did I decide to take a leap of faith when I knew that I shouldn't, when I knew that the outcome would not be one that I desired, when I knew that my suffering would be worsened? Why did I listen to what other people said? This one time, and I feel like things are going so wrong. I've just changed something that I felt was so important, that I know is important, all for something that will not happen. I've never been this stupid in my whole entire life. Why now? What is it about you that made me think that this was okay? People told me not to lead you on, but...I wasn't, I didn't. You didn't fall for me, I fell for you. Why this? Why now?
All I can ask myself, is why I chose to do it? When I couldn't say it out loud, it must've been a sign. I know that I shouldn't do this to you, I know that you deserve better because I will end up hurting you and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did. Don't call me selfless because my decision to tell you was a selfish one. Don't call me selfless because half the things I do, is for my own benefit. I do the things I do, not because I don't want to see people hurt, but because I don't want to be hurt. I can't sit and watch as things go wrong, I can't sit and watch as I see people's pained espressions.
In 2009, I pray that you receive the happiness that you're due, even if it means that I have to leave.