Saturday, February 21, 2009 @Saturday, February 21, 2009
What do you do when you can't stop blaming yourself?
What if everything thats ever gone wrong is all your fault?
How do you start to forgive yourself?
I can't. I don't want to stay away. I feel the beginnings of a wall. A wall that I don't want to build, but one that I'm building already. I want to smile and genuinely smile. The kind of smile that you can't say, "You don't have to pretend" to me. But how do I smile when I am losing one of my friends?
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
I'd do anything for you. And I think you know that. I'm most probably the most crazy, psycho friend you ever had. But I want to be that crazy,psycho friend. I want to be that friend who goes against what everyone else thinks of you. I want to be that friend who will tell you and believe it when she says, " Don't listen to them. You're more important than anyone else. You're not the kind of friend I'd be able to just forget. I won't forget you."
I don't want to be the friend who keeps hurting you. Who leaves you alone until she has problems and then turn to you. I'm not that kind of friend and you know it. I don't know how to be a good friend but I know that now's not the right time to talk to you. Or maybe it is but I'm just too afraid to try. I don't want you to build that wall again. And I hate it because I keep thinking that if I didn't ask you those silly questions that irritated you, you wouldn't be doing this right now. How do I not blame myself when everything thats happening now most probably wouldn't happen if I never said anything about how I felt about you THEN?!
When I told you how I felt, I also told you that you're the friend that I don't want to loose. I can't stand the thought of not having you in my life as my friend. Don't you see that? I need you in my life as a friend because you understand everything. I've never said this publically, but you most probably know me better than I know myself.
Who am I kidding? You're never going to read this. And even if you do, you won't say anything to me. If anything it'll make you more mad at me. I don't know what else to do but sit down and be hopeless.