Wednesday, September 07, 2011 @Wednesday, September 07, 2011
So yes, at this hour (midnight) I'm watching video's of Adele during the iTunes Festival... then she sings I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt... And I remember...
I remember how I used to tell myself that I can't make anyone love me or like me or anything of that sort if they really don't. Most people think I don't let people into my life because I'm scared, and they're right. I can't bear the thought of letting someone into my life so completely, then having them leave. That thought alone is enough to paralyze me. It happens, I know...But I know I won't be able to deal with it. Three years ago...I let one of my friend's in..after...5 years of friendship..I handed him my heart... and in 3 months he stomped all over it and walked out of my life. I'm blessed that him and I are friends again...But I will never forget how my life fell apart. From the time I was 13 till about 16 I was completely in love with someone who was INCAPABLE of loving me back. He tried but couldn't, because he didn't know how to....after that we remained friends...but soon after he was completely out of my life. And once again, it felt like my world had fallen apart. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from right under me.
You'd most probably think,"you were in your teens, you don't know what love is!"But I beg to differ. I have a firm grasp of what love really is than most people my age, and I'm 20 in a few weeks. Most people my age think they're in love, and sometimes it's true. My parents met each other when they were in their teens, look at them now, arguing constantly, but completely besotted with each other. I know what love is because I'm shown love. I know what love feels like. Being in love with someone, you feel secure but scared at the same time. Well for someone like me you'd feel scared.
About a year ago, I let someone into my life, as completely as you could do with someone you've never met but spoken to loads. In my mind it was, "Hey, someone new and interesting to speak to!" I never thought I'd grow to like him this much. And just when I thought, "Maybe, just maybe I might love him." He pulled the rug right out from under me. The worst part, he doesn't even know he's done it. You can tell me you've no time to come online and such, and I really would love to believe you. But having time to come onto netlog yet no time to drop me an e-mail... makes no sense, and you're a smart boy. You talk about our lives together most probably because you think it's what I want to hear. I wrote something on one of my other blogs ages ago, "The uncertain path I walk on paints a dark and deserted path of my future."Treading on unfamiliar grounds and uncertainty will lead me no where. I would love to say moving on is easy, but I know it's not, it seems like everyday I take two steps forward and three steps back, like I'm moving back rather than forward. But I know eventually if nothing changes and it gets worse for me, I'll walk away.
Tell me then, once that happens, what future will be left for us if you do not secure your present?